Late night phone calls

Last night I received a text message from a friend. "Havin an amazin but hard god moment. pray 4 me." So I responded, and she called. And we talked for over two hours.

I was on the phone with my friend from Cali. It's really interesting to witness what God is doing in her life. I loathe the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words any longer out of self-pity and a desire to have their ears tickled. But I love the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words but I hear their hearts crying out for the Lord...to heal their hurts, to deliver them from temptation, to give them the strength that is needed to follow Him.

As she was weeping, all I could tell her is that she is right where God wants her. In a small world. In a tough situation. In the crucible. In the middle of the fire.

I wanted to catch a flight to Cali. I actually had a dream that I caught the plane. I wanted to tell her to walk away from the pain, to do something to numb the pain.

But, that would have been a soulish, worldly response. The godly response is to lead her to the foot of the cross, to allow the stripes He endured to heal those deep wounds.

Maybe I am called to do this thing for which God signed me up. It seems to be so.

A day in my life...

I should be sleeping, like a normal person who has to get up in the morning. But...I'm not normal, and I'm only a little sleepy.

I have to much to say tonight, so many thoughts going through my head that my writing ability is clogged.

I ran into people that I've not seen for quite some time...one made me happy and one made me sad.

I made a new contact who I suspect can turn into, at the very least, a partnership of sorts. A really neat lady with a really neat vision with a really neat store...the cornerstone of the Eagle Plaza in Voorhees. Speaking with her reminded me of what God has called me to do, and that I am on the right path.

I watched a movie that made my life appear much more...simple? isolated? spoiled? I don't really know how I feel about my life, but I do know that I want to make a difference in the third world, not just in the US. Acts 1:8 challenges us to go into all of the world and make disciples. For now, I'm here in NJ. Once God opens the door for short term trips, I'm on the next plane.

That's today in a nutshell. A whole bunch of pieces that seem not to fit together that equal a day in my life.

And I can't wait until tomorrow.

Christmas presents

I remember my first mission trip to Arizona. It was emotionally and physically the most difficult trip to date, of all of my trips. Somehow my zeal for missions was exponentially increased. Definitely a "God thing."

One day, during a devotional time, God gave me a scripture that I immediately internalized. "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37-38. I recall where I was sitting, the smell of the air, the color of the sky, tinged with the rays of the setting sun. In my heart, at that moment, I vowed to take up my cross and follow my Savior at any cost. For me, it is and always has been a no-brainer.

Other scriptures elude me, regardless of how I try to embody them. I've always related to Martha more than Mary. Generally--at home, at work, at church, I'm the one running around, cleaning up dishes, cooking dinner, setting things up, tearing things down, making sure everything is running smoothly for the feast. I've read, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. I've tried to put Jesus' yoke on. I've recited this scripture countless times. I've begged God for His yoke. I've cried bitter tears, wondering why God would forsake me and not allow me rest.

This Christmas, God gave me a gift--actually many gifts--for which I have been asking. Looking at the past few months, I've actually had the gifts and have been walking in them. I spent much of Christmas day with the Jacksons. I had the opportunity to talk trash on my pastor as my team beat his at "Deal or No Deal." I was heckled by him as my Cowboys were crushed by his Eagles. I really enjoyed my Christmas--no stress, no weirdness, no aggravation. As I was driving home down Rt. 70, I heard Matthew 11:28-30. And I realized that I now have Jesus yoke. My soul is truly at rest.

When you are where God has called you to be, doing what He has created you to do, your soul can rest. It is the natural effect of walking in His will. For the first time in my life, I am not looking for the next opportunity to jet off to another place in the world. I am satisfied in NJ because I know that this is where God wants me. He hand-picked The Sanctuary, Pastor John, Voorhees Township to be in my life for such a time as this. Yes, my family life is chaotic at best. Yes, I need a less temporary job. But, even in those tings I find favor in my Savior's sight. Because I am where God has called me to be, doing what He's called me to do.

Christmas Eve

What a day. I am so overwhelmed by everything. Our Christmas Eve service was so us. The music was really lovely. The scripture reading was eventful. The poetry was awesome. I was taken aback by the way that our service celebrated who Jesus is. Not only what He did, but who He is. I cannot overemphasize that. Wow.

I lost my voice. That is a problem. Because I didn't realize how much I like to talk until I couldn't. It's coming back, though. Thank God.

I got some cool gifts. I got a journal to help me write the book I've begun. I have sketched out the skeleton of the book--the general direction of the book and chapter names. Don't worry. I'll share. I also got a cool necklace that Natalie made for me. It has magnetic beads...hopefully I'll be coordinated enough to wear it gracefully. It's really, really cool.

Colleen and I went to lunch and had our standard conversation. "Wow. Can you believe that this is where we go to church?" "Wow. How awesome was that service?" "Wow." To put this in perspective, it's been over six months since I've been attending The Sanctuary. And for six months, after church, I stand amazed that God has placed me in this place. A place where my pastors invited me over to their house for Christmas. A place where I see people thriving in who God has called them to be, no matter who that person may be. Wow.

Tonight I went to Hammonton United Methodist Church for their Christmas Eve service. If you live in the area, you should check out that church. The pastor is a friend of mine, and she is a woman who is after God's heart. Again, I left the service saying, "Wow!"

God is awesome. Nothing more can be added to that statement.

Day two...

Well, I survived day two. Not without tears. But I survived.

We had a surprise visitor today. Pastor John came to visit. What a great surprise.

I'm not really cut out for salon life. I cannot and will not make any more off-the-cuff references about business school. In a former life, I was really good at the minute details of a business. In a former life, I enjoyed the minutia. But now...not so much.

The highlight of my day, aside from talking with my pastor and the Methodist pastor in Hammonton, was talking to a man who was drinking a beer "covertly" out of a brown paper bag. And talking to random people this morning at the train station who just needed to talk. That is the stuff I was made to do.

Ironically, that is what, at one time, was my nightmare. I hated having to talk to people.

The lesson that I'm learning is that I cannot define myself by the "I am's" that I have used for so long. I have a grasp on who I was. Learning who I am, who I am becoming, well that is a daily adventure. I'm really enjoying it.

Challenges and lions

I'm being challenged. Again. To write. Again. Not just copious blogging, but actually getting out a pen and paper (so old-fashioned, I know) and write. I don't know what I will be writing. I don't know what it is that I have to offer aside from an offbeat sense of humor and my observations on life. So, I will begin that journey. I actually have a cool journal that will probably take the brunt of my writing. We will either be best friends or bitter enemies.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a while. I bounced between crying and being frustrated and asking the wrong questions. Right now I'm in the gap between my past and my future. I'm paying for past mistakes, and yesterday I allowed my present circumstances to dictate my perception of my future. Which is just silly. All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I fit into that category.) God will never leave me nor forsake me. God is restoring what the locusts have stolen--even if I left the door open for those things to be eaten.

Today's challenge is to remind myself of the Truth when the lies rear their ugly head. You know, I'd like to see Aslan take on the devil. I have a sneaking suspicion which lion would win :-)

Job interview

Today I learned a valuable lesson. God loves me more than I give Him credit for.

I had a job interview today, and as much as I hate to admit it, I had an attitude...and not a good one. I was having a pity party of one. But, I put on my big girl clothes and went on the interview. As it turns out, the position was filled. I was really happy. Teaching science to middle school kids is a tricky thing. You have to be passionate about science, patient, and have a real sense of humor about the whole thing. As much as I love science, I would have been in way over my head. I don't like to do things that I know I am utterly unqualified to do.

Even as I wrote that, I started laughing. I am utterly unqualified to do most of what I am doing right now. Somehow, God keeps blessing the work of my hands, and the endeavors are successful.

Back to the work front. In September this school is opening up a computer lab, and they will need a teacher to run the lab: create curriculum for the kids, teach it, pick out the programs to teach the kids. Here's the kicker. The principal is interested in talking to me about the job. I think that is something that I could do.

God's given me a gift to start things, get them up and running and pass the baton onto the next person. Even better, I would be able to participate in the state of NJ's alternative route to teaching wherein I would be mentored for two years by the school, continue my education to get my MA in Education, and become fully qualified to teach anywhere.

Is this something that will be of interest in a few months? I don't know. But...it is nice to see that there are doors that can potentially open if the correct situation arises. In short, it is really morale boosting to see that there is someone who looks at me and my resume and sees potential, not drifter.

007

There are very few prophetic words that I hold near and dear to my heart. I generally test a prophetic word given to me from someone else in this way: if I remember it by the time I journal about the experience, it's good. If not, then it's not. I'm sure that there is a more Biblical way to approach prophesy, but that is the way that I handle it.

A few years ago, my mother dragged me to a production that her church was having. When I say dragged, I mean it nearly literally. A woman from South Africa was doing some sort of dance and she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. If you know me, you know that this isn't exactly my cup of tea...especially after that incident in England that involved a flag and my head. My head is not, I repeat NOT a baseball.

So, I went begrudgingly. The dance was very...expressive. It was designed to encourage us to be more expressive, and to attempt to hear God in pictures or something like that. I kind of rolled my eyes and sighed.

But then God gave me a vision. I was on a globe, and I was jumping from continent to continent with my passport in my hand. The woman encouraged anyone who had a vision to come to the front because she believed that God wanted to interpret the visions for us.

Again, I rolled my eyes, but I went to the front. I told her what I had seen and what she said, what God spoke through her has stuck with me as a touchstone ever since. She told me that God was going to move me around, that I was going to travel all over the world. But, I was not obviously a Christian, so God was going to use me as a covert operative. I would be able to get into places that noone else would be able to enter because it would never be suspected that I am a follower of Christ. She said that I would be like 007.

Like I said, this has stuck with me. Rarely will you find me without my passport. I believe this...I believe that God spoke this because it was seared so deeply into my spirit. I don't think that He'll randomly lead me to the airport and place me on a plane without at least a few days notice. But my passport reminds me of who God has said that I am, and it reminds me of the promises that He's made to me.

A month or two ago, I sat down and spoke with Pastor John and Beth. It was my intention to talk about school, but we wound up talking about outreach, which is certainly something about which I am passionate. I was given the title of "ministry liaison." What that means, nobody really knows. But through this position, I've seen that prophesy that was seared into my heart so long ago begin to come to pass. I deliver doughnuts to township officials and noone bats an eye. I take food to the police department and the deputy chief is *almost* brought to tears. Being an English major in remission, I looked up the word "liaison." It was taken from dictionary.com for all of those who are just waiting for me to plagiarize so they can turn me into the feds. :-)

Liaison
1. the contact or connection maintained by communications between units of the armed forces or of any other organization in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.
2. a person who initiates and maintains such a contact or connection.

It's funny. That is what I do. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but there it is. In black and white.

I love what I do. I love what God has called me to do. I love what Pastor John and Beth have given me the freedom to do.

I am sensing that God has something else that He is asking me to do. Step up to the plate and see what happens.

But...I'm still scared. That seems to be the theme of my week.

Headed to Beantown for a few

Well, after nearly six months of trying, I am finally headed back to Boston for a few days. When I return, I'll have my clothes, my shoes, my Tom Brady calendar, my favorite Bible. I can't wait.

I leave on Thursday afternoon and will return on Saturday afternoon. I'm fairly certain that 72 hours will be my maximum allowable exposure to Aunt Michelle and mom. I cannot wait to walk the streets that I love so dearly, smell the smells and take in the sights.

I wonder what it will be like to return to the streets with which I was so intimate for such a brief, intense period of my life. I'm sure that returning and leaving after so abbreviated an encounter will be bittersweet.

On a completely different note.

God is working out something in me that I have been...umm...I don't know whether the appropriate word is avoiding or ignoring. But alas, it has been brought to the forefront of my mind, and I'm going to be writing some things out.

Be afraid. Very afraid.

Thanksgiving doughnuts

Just wanted to thank everyone who participated in our gift card collection. You have made a great impression on the township of Voorhees, and you have provided families with food for Thanksgiving who wouldn't have had enough for a good dinner. I can't say it enough. I love my church!

I took the gift cards and doughnuts to the township. The people in the township are amazed by our genorosity. We've developed a bad reputation. We're known as the church that does, not the church that talks. We're getting some free advertisement as well. We're going to be listed in the township calendar as a house of worship. It's amazing how many opportunities open with a few doughnuts and a lot of God's favor.

So, good work my friends and family. I can't wait to see what God will do for Christmas!

You're like Dr. Phil or something

This weekend I hosted a parade of marathon phone calls and conversations. It all began with an innocent phone call about 5PM on Friday and didn't end until about 11PM last night. The calls ranged from the hilarious to the arduous. They all had one common thread. A friend or relative had a need to get from one place to the next, geographically or emotionally, and I was elected tour guide.

You see, I found myself utterly and completely unqualified in every circumstance to be speaking, even when telling a friend whether to go straight, right or left on a road I've travelled countless times. Sometimes, in the dark, over the phone, the world is muddy. Let's be honest. In the light of the noon sun, at times, the world is incomprehensible.

On Friday night, I bended my knee to what God has been encouraging since I was a young child. I have only spoken the two words to two people. It fits, but it scares me. In my mind, I've always had one career path, one idea of where God was leading me. But, when I wrote down the words "pastoral counseling" it seems that a dam in my life broke wide open.

Three hours logged into a call with my cousin whose father is cheating on her mother, trying to help her make sense of the situation, what role she can play for her little sister, how she can support her mother, who is choosing to stay in the situation with the man who has been my nemesis since he helped to move my aunt out of our house when I was six.

Between face time and phone time, I lost track of how many hours I spent convincing someone to talk to her sister. One is agressive; one is passive-agressive. Engage the two in a conversation that includes more than a how-d0-you-do, one leaves enraged, the other a massive bleeding wound. One leaves feeling victorious but unfulfilled, the other hidden tightly away in a shell that she has developed for these situations. How is it that I find myself having to call out a bully? Can a bully be reformed when she has created the caustic exterior to protect her from parents who are deceased who never protected her in the first place?

Another friend is in a transitional phase with work. She was really hurt by a church, though she will only admit fear. Today she leaves for an interview in Green Bay. She's already found a church and a mall, so she's pretty excited. Frankly, I'm excited for her because she needs to get away from this area, figure out what she wants her life to look like and go for it. I detest being the person to encourage my friends to go so far, but I want them to be healthy and successful so desperately that I'll back any of God's plans for their lives, even to my own detriment.

Last night, after listening to bits and pieces of this marathon, my sister said to me, "You're like Dr. Phil or something. When my friends come to me with their problems, I say to them, 'Dude, that sucks.' Do you really care? Do you really want to help?" That left me thinking for a long time.

I do care. I truly want to leave people better. Yet, I am in a precarious situation. I know that I have no qualifications. I have a long resume of life experience. The only thing that I have to offer is what I know of the heart of the Father and a limited knowledge of the scriptures. All I can do is lead them to what Jesus says, back to the basics of Christianity. I lead them to the foot of the cross.

So, yeah. I'm like Dr. Phil. Only difference is that I attempt to lead people to a dialogue with Jesus Christ, and not to the Dr. Phil House of Horrors or to the local bookstore to purchase a self-help book that costs half a day's salary and that will ultimately lead them back to my feet.

I want my friends and family to face the lion in the eye and KILL IT.

A reminder of why I want to do what I want to do

God never ceases to astound me. Everytime I think I may understand what He is doing, He reminds me of how high His ways are above mine, and how high His thoughts are above mine. Seriously. He reminds me that my field of vision, compared to His, is like seeing a pin head and thinking I can see the entire planet and everything that is occuring on Earth.

I'm addicted to a few things in life. Two of them are blogging (duh) and myspace. I've been posting some really serious, honest blogs on myspace. I have to admit...many of them were baited and intended for people I know (read former churchmates) are hurting and distressed. My blogs were intended to show them that there is hope in God, and to chronicle a bit of the healing process.

This morning I woke up and check my email. I received the following message:

"i've just stumbled upon you...from andrea's page...& it was an amazing thing to do...the words of wisdom in your blogs were just what the doctor ordered! hope you're well...thank you...i needed a little reminder of what life is really all about! was feeling a little sad about the loss of a good friend, not something i could have controlled, nor is it something i should question, i know...that doesn't take the hurt away- but you made me think...& offer up a little prayer to thank God for all that really matters & to remember that i should be grateful that my husband & children and good friends are still here. so, thank you- my good friend...sending you big hugs & kisses...i really needed this tonite!"

This message is from a girl with whom I went to high school. We were not friends. I can't say that we were enemies, but we certainly didn't share a locker or a limo for prom. She was a cheerleader, and I was in the band. She was popular, and I was a tutor. You're getting the picture.

God has reminded me that as long as we do what we are doing for Him, that we will bear fruit. He has reminded me that His word will not return void.

Lord, thank you for reminding me of how great Thou art.

Paradigm shift

Sitting at the computer today, trying to write an essay for my application to seminary, I felt like a fraud. How do I know? Am I insane? What am I doing? Can I do this? Will it work this time? Blah, blah, blah. So, I plug in the mp3 player and go back to basics...songs that remind me of who God says I am rather than who I say I am or who others say I am. Then I pick up my Bible and look for a specific passage. Instead, I find Isaiah (pronounced in a British accent, of course) 55:5, 8-13.

5 Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

Suddenly, I'm not a fraud. I'm simply who God has called me to be, and I'm walking forward to accomplish the word that the Lord has spoken over my life. Who am I to question what He has asked me to do? Yes, it may seem crazy. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. But, looking back, what have I done, what have I walked through for God, with God, that actually makes sense? Nothing that I can see with my eyes.

So, yeah. Here I sit, on the precipice of something magnificent, something of which I've dreamed sporadically, constantly for over a decade, perhaps three decades. I'm walking forward, jumping with no parachute. I'm depending on God to accomplish the word. After all, He is the One who said that His word will not return empty.

And I really do need some more stamps on my passport. My England stamps are kind of lonely.

What is it that you do, anyway?

Yesterday, a woman at church asked me, "So, what is it that you do?" She wanted to know how I had made my contacts at Voorhees Twp. Funny thing is I have no idea how the contacts were made. Sure, phone calls were made, cards exchanged, but I made no concerted effort to get to know these people. I fear that sounds arrogant. Allow me to clarify.

I'm not trying to make friends. I'm not trying to move ahead in ministry or in any area of my life. Right now, I'm giving God the freedsom to do as He pleases in my life. I wake up in the morning ready to do whatever it is that He has planned for my day. If that involves talking to the zoning official in Voorhees, great. If that involves talking to a faceless, nameless, homeless person in Philadelphia, even better. I'm simply trying to be His hands, His smile, His voice.

Heck, I'm even learning to say no. Or even better, not to say yes. That may seem elementary to some. In the past, whenever I've seen a need, I've jumped to fill it. I've always wanted to please people around me, people in leadership. I've always identified myself with the verbs rather than with who I am. I learned from those mistakes and now I'm comfortable being who I am...that means only saying yes to those things that I know God wants me to do, and not all of the other stuff. What I've learned is that God has someone to do everything...all of the tasks at hand. That person may not be in the room at the moment, but that person is available. My knee-jerk reaction is to fill the need. God's desire is that we all fill the needs.

I was tempted to delete my previous blog. I've avoided that temptation. This blog, for me, at the moment, is about chronicling a journey, not about me shouting from the mountaintops how amazing my life is. It's about being real, and watching what God does, how God takes me from the mountaintop to the pit of despair and up out of the miry pit. The feelings that I am experiencing are very real. However, I am not called to live by feeling but by faith. Being picked up out of the pit is faith...because sometimes it feels good to wallow. But walking with Jesus involves shaking the dust off your boots and walking forth.

October

I am suffering from acute ADD today, this week. I don't know whether it is the allergies/cold, or the weather, or just life in general. Something about this week is not allowing me to concentrate. OK, I'll stop blameshifting the responsibility. However, I do think that a little backstory wouldn't hurt here.

Back in the mid-nineties, my friends and I had this obsession with ouija boards and tarot cards and psychics. I knew that it was not something in which I should have been dabbling, but I tried anyway. I had a psychic give me completely a wrong reading. When I called her on it, she was not a little unhappy with me. Another time, my friends and I were playing with a ouija board and the board told my friends that it would not talk to me because God was too close to me. No lie. I got mad because, at the time, I just wanted to hear something and I even got denied by a stupid ouija board.

It was in October that I decided to stop playing around with my life and give it up for God. The second time. Not the time for good. Anyway. We have a friend who was stayed with us for a night because he had no place to sleep. He stayed with us on Mischief Night 1996 if I recall properly. He is a really cool guy--a real free spirit, a gift of worship, all over a neat fellow. I let him have my room and I spent the night on the couch. He woke up to take his kids to school because someone had slashed the tires of the woman who was caring for his kids for the night. I was in a miserable mood when he left, so as soon as our front door closed, I was asleep in my bed. A little while later, I awoke to the smell of bacon and waffles, and the sound of the guitar playing in my living room. I was starving, so I got up. I was barely in the living room when the conviction of the Lord came upon me and I knew that it was time to stop playing around with the occult and walk forward into what God had for me. I walked full on for God, looking to please pastors and friends and man in general for two years. I attended two churches in that time, and saw God do some really amazing things--heal cancer, straighten backs, even uneven legs. One day I got my feelings hurt and made up some lame excuse as to why I couldn't go to church anymore.

I walked away from everything about God for six months, beginning in October of 1998. It was probably the darkest period of my life, because I knew that God had something amazing for me, that He'd called me into ministry, to do amazing things for Him. I wrestled with wanting the things of the world more: men, money, acclaim, respect. I went on a six month drinking binge. I still cannot believe that I was so irresponsible, but I thank God for that time because I've seen Him use it over and over again. My binge ended on February 6, 1999 when I nearly crashed into a median on Rt. 295 going way too fast on a rainy, puddly day. I returned to church on February 7, 1999 and the rest, as they say, is history.

October is traditionally a difficult month spiritually, physically, emotionally for me. I find myself, like Paul, wanting to do the things that I don't want to do and not doing the things that I want to do. I find myself questioning God, the things of God. I find myself wondering what the heck I am doing.

This year God is redeeming October. I've seen God move in amazing ways. I've seen more favor of God this October than ever. I've fallen in love with my church, with my friends, with my God. Though I admit to joking incessantly about going to business school rather than to seminary, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. It is my mission, my desire, to allow God to redeem a lot more than October. I want to see God redeem 6 billion people.

Chasing lions

Tonight I did something uncharacteristic. I watched the news. I really detest watching the news because it breaks my heart. As I was sitting, nursing my cold and feeling cold and hot at the same time, I watched my heart melt and break at the same time.

Tonight's feature story was about a yet-unnamed kid who attended Deptford High School (merely a few miles from my house) who led police on a high speed chase, stopped on the Walt Whitman Bridge and jumped. I read a blog written by a girl that I know who sounds so sad, so desparate, so dejected that I began to cry. This is a talented girl. What attracted me to her the first time that we met is that she seemed so sure of her quirky, out of the box self. She was full of life, happy and bringing all kinds of people to the clubhouse for youth. Now she lives in a world where she is continually told what she is not, what she cannot do and she cannot see the forest for the trees. Then I saw a story about a group in Alexandria, VA who are helping disadvantaged kids by teaching them how to build boats and in the process, they are paying the kids, helping them to get their GED's and helping them to get their carpenter licenses. They are giving them fish AND teaching them to fish.

This leads to an ongoing frustration that I have. There is a generation of kids who are falling through the cracks, walking through the cracks, being pushed through the cracks. These kids have mentors--parents, coaches, teachers, pastors, family, friends who are watching them walk away from so many things and not saying a word. Or, worse off, they have a group of mentors who are pushing them into lives that are not their God-given lives to live. I admit, that I have a bit of survivor's guilt in this situation. I was in a situation where I could have stayed. If God had not pushed me out, I would have stayed forever. I could have stayed and helped to walk people through this. I could have stayed and remained silent, trying so hard to be something that I am not. I could have stayed and spoken up for those in the church who do not have voices. But I made the choice to walk. Walking was the best thing that I have done in my life thus far. Walking away led me to a wonderful place that I would not trade for all of the tea in China. I would have given my right arm to be here five years ago. But...it was not time. Now that I am here, I have a place to invite the hurting people in my life. There is a place in which I actually trust the hearts of my friend and family.

I know that it seems that I am continually walking around the same issue. I fear that I will continue to walk around this issue as long as I live. It's not something that I ever want to be too far removed from. I always want to remember from where I've come. I'm glad that I've not been healed without scars, because I always want to know that at one time I hurt, and that there are people hurting all over the world.

Here is my frustration. I am not going to list problems. I will list the solutions as well. The church, specifically in America, needs to rise up and be what God has created it to be. God has created the church to be a place where healing occurs; where dreams are conceived and birthed; where people enter one way and exit another way; where people are encouraged to be who God has created them to be; where people can discover the love the Jesus has for them. Church is not about numbers. Church is about people. Church is about ushering people into a saving relationship with Jesus Christ the Messiah. Why then is the church so busy building carbon copies of itself? I love my pastor to death, but I don't want to be him. I don't want his life. His life is the life that God has designed for him, not for me. He and his wife love each other very much; they have three amazing kids. But...I don't want that life. I want the life that God designed for me...the one He speaks of in Jeremiah 29:11. The awesome thing about my pastor is that he doesn't want me to have his life. He wants me to live out my life the way that God has designed it to be. I know that I've said this before, and you'll hear me say it again and again. The Sanctuary is the way that I always thought church could be but never knew it would be. I have a pastor who has a pastor's heart. Shocking, I know. But he really just wants all of us to grow so that we can all do this thing called life together. I don't have to fit in a mould. I don't know if a mould exists.

So, what am I doing to be a part of the solution of the crisis that is the church in America? For starters, Wednesday I'm participating in a Halloween parade to help a friend launch her salon. On Saturday, I'm packing a bunch of cookies into bags. On Sunday, I'm giving cookies to a bunch of people who want for nothing but need Something, Someone desparately. I'm going to go to seminary to align my opinions with the Word of God. I'm going to surround myself with people, via my church, sermons, teaching tapes who have big ideas, who are chasing lions and not hiding from them, so that I can become the mighty woman of God that I have been called to be. And most of all, I'm going to love people, even those who persecute me, especially those who persecute me.

Anyone care to join in the fight?

Did that really happen?

Yesterday I spent the day completely nervous, wondering if, once again, my heart would be crushed into a thousand little piece and my vision scoffed. I walked out of my pastors' house wanting to pinch myself to make sure that I hadn't been dreaming. I can't imagine life not where I am at the moment. I can't imagine having a pastor who...

My mom and I were debriefing about my meeting. She asked me how my meeting went. I began by telling her how afraid I was...so much so that I cleaned the house from top to bottom and didn't eat. Two miracles...haha...mental note to self...must stop self depricating humor. We discussed my track record with pastors...one could not remember my name to save his life; one told me that if I wanted to go into ministry that I should become a nurse. One told me that I should be a teacher, a lawyer. I understand now why he wanted me to become a lawyer, but that is a whole other story. *snickers* So, a few weeks ago I completely bombarded my pastor with the news that I wanted to go to seminary, that I wanted to go to Gordon Conwell, that I was leaving in a few months. I was expecting rejection, so I dropped the bomb, told him to have a good week and literally RAN out of church. Joshua would have been proud.

Back to last night. I went to John and Beth's house, and had coffee with them. We (the THREE of us, 'cause she's allowed to be a part of this stuff) talked about vision, passions, likes, dislikes. We talked about the past, the present, the future. Long-term and short-term ideas. How to reach out to our community. Not how to draw people to a church location, but how to reach the community with absolutely no strings attached. We discussed some of the greatest church planters of our time. We talked about church explosion and the vision of the church. I told them that I am dying to get my hands dirty...I seriously cannot stand sitting on the sidelines any longer. So, after our discussion, I got offered something. I am going to oversee our outreach to our community. They asked me what title I wanted. I laughed and told them that I really don't need a title. Pastor John kind of laughed and said of course you need a title. So, I am now a ministry liasion. How 007! I'm getting cards and everything.

There is an element of irony here. When I was at my last church, I wanted, asked, almost begged them to see me, to give me an identity, a marker to let me know what I was, what my role was. I nearly got on my knees and grovelled for validation. Over the past year, any desire for title has been more than killed. It has been cremated. Beth looked at me and said, "You know, there is no room for ego in ministry. But I don't think that we have to worry about that with you." I smiled and nodded. How can I have too much ego? I live at home with my parents; I graduated from college but cannot find a job; I'm 31 and I drive my mom's minivan; I've had my name dragged through the mud among friend and foe alike. I've been a little humbled over the past year or two. I don't wear my process like a badge, but it is something that has been seared into the fabric of my being.

Be on the lookout, Voorhees. Deneen, Ministry Liasion is coming to a business near you to get to know you, to love you, to bring you cool stuff, like pens. You don't have to do anything in return. A smile would be nice, but I won't even ask that of you.

Oh yeah...I also think that I've perhaps found a piece of my voice in the greater conversation that is occuring.