Uncharted territory

I am blessed, humbled, excited beyond comprehension right now. I've never been in this place before...this is uncharted territory for me, which is alright with me.

Tonight we had our monthly leadership meeting...we call them leadership roundtables. We caught the path that God wants our church to walk. I know I've said this before, and I know that I'll say it again and again, but The Sanctuary is what I always dreamed church could be but never thought it would be.

As Colleen and I were driving home, I realized something. When I am with the men and women of my church, I am more of who I am than when I'm not with them. Please hear my heart on this one. It's not a co-dependent kind of thing. It is an iron sharpening iron deal. Whenever I am around these wonderful people, I feel God challenging me to be more of who I am, and everything within me responds. I don't try for the reaction. It just happens. It just is.

I cannot wait for the Ladies retreat this weekend. I really love the women of my church. I love them because they've taught me how to be more of a woman and how not to fear women.

For the record, that's the third fear conquered in a week: hospitals, women and cancer. (I'm still not going to unlearn my fear of roller coasters. I like that one!)

Oh when the Saints, go marching in

Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in....oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I'm concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He's my new hero...seriously.

At least, after tomorrow, I won't have to hear about the Eagles for a couple of months...HALLELUJAH.

So, today I went to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia...and it's pretty bad. She loves God with her whole heart and her whole being, but she is one of those people that confound me. I fully, 100% believe that God is a God who heals. But I also believe that He's given man wisdom. So, when I have bronchitis, or anything else for that matter, I believe that He will heal me...whether it is miraculous or via medicine.

Back to my friend. She's in the hospital because she's allowed herself to get so run down that one of her lungs was completely overtaken with pneumonia. Now she can hold a conversation for only a few minutes without shortness of breath. She has a few other issues going on as well. She's been believing that God would heal her. It landed her in the hospital. Yes, we have to have faith. But shall we exercise faith without the wisdom that God has given us? Is that not foolishness?

The bad news is that she's going to be in the hospital for at least the next few days...and will likely end up back in the hospital if she doesn't take care of herself. The good news is that I've lost my fear of hospitals this week. Two visits to the hospital, a potential third tomorrow, and I'm not breaking out in a cold sweat.

The best news: NO MORE EAGLES IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO MORE E-A-G-L-E-S CHANTS.

Penny for your thoughts

You know that you are an avid blogger when people call to make sure that you are ok after a day of silence :-)

I've been trying to process things that are being thrown at me right now. I'm scared to prayer right now. I'd been taught that prophesy should be confirmation, not information. Over the years, I've had several people speak things prophetically into my life that I dismissed because they were things that I had not yet discovered about myself. Lately, however, those words have brought back to the forefront of my memory. And God has been expanding on them.

I've always had a dream of traveling the world, preaching the gospel on every continent. What I never thought of, until recently, was what would fill the time between trips. Obviously, it won't be a typical 9-5 job. I am invested in what is going on in NJ. I love where I am and what I'm doing. I'm learning the practical, day to day stuff that they don't teach you in seminary, or in any classroom.

The amazing thing for me is that with every church I've attended, I've learned different facets of ministry. At one church, I learned the ministering part--how to pray for people, how to teach. At another church, I was taught the administrative stuff...how to run the office, how to be the front person, the armor bearer, how to play the political game of church life, how to prepare for and execute mission trips. Now I'm learning the establishment part of church--how to get out in the community and make a difference.

It has been my desire for a long time to go to different places and plant churches. There have been people who I allowed to speak into my life who tried to kill that desire, for whatever reason. But now, that desire is coming forth again.

I looked at the list of people whose blogs I read regularly. With few exceptions, I am drawn to the church planters, to innovators. Even in my professional life, the jobs in which I have excelled have been those in which I was constantly mobile, creating something out of nothing. So, I suppose that I must move from the place of denial to a place of freedom to be me.

There aren't exactly a multitude of examples for me to follow, being a woman. One of my friends is a Methodist pastor. She's told me that many of the male pastors in town don't speak to her. I understand the thoughts behind a woman as a lead pastor. Being a woman, I don't know that I would attend a church that has a woman as the lead pastor. As a matter of fact, I won't work for a woman because of my experiences with many different female bosses.

So, I find myself in a precarious position right now. And the reason I was silent yesterday is because this is a subject through which I have been wrestling and will continue to wrestle.

A penny for your thoughts...

Adios 2006

Well, I'm kicking off the new year in style. This afternoon I had real Asian food for lunch. Yummy! I wish I had the guts to say thank you in Mandarin. Not so much. Maybe next time.

I watched The Holy Grail, but I have to be honest. That's not really the kind of movie that one can watch by oneself. Now that I think about it, I'm still waiting for my movie night. Hmmm...mental note to self. Put that on the resolutions for '07.

I've been trying to formulate a proper 2006 post. I don't know if I can do it. So much happened that I find it very difficult to constrain that amazingness, the magnitude of what God has done in the past six months, let alone the past year. So, I'll try to highlight a few things, but know for everything I mention, I am leaving out so much.

God stuff
In 2006, I have learned who I am in Christ. I have learned who God is in a new way. I have fallen deeper in love with my Lord each day. God has restored what the locusts have stolen in many areas of my life. He has brought me places that I never thought I would go spiritually. I am learning what intimacy with the Lord really is. I've learned how to lean on Him in the good times and in the bad. And, I'm learning not to ask why.

The Sanctuary
I'm not a church groupie. I've been there, done that and have the scars on my heart to prove it. But, what I am is a part of something that is so much bigger than myself. God has healed so many areas of my life through this church. I'm not afraid of church, of pastors, of leadership any longer. I admit that I am a little less apt to jump in without much consideration, but all in all, God is amazing. I love my church. I love the people with whom I have the opportunity to worship God on a weekly basis.

The Family
My sister and Tim, after 15 years of "not rushing into anything" and having three kids, finally got married in May. They had a beautiful wedding in Tim's mom's back yard. Fun was had by all. My memories of the wedding? Waiting for an hour for the flower woman to arrive at the church to drop off flowers; yelling at Tim to get into the house because he was about to be married; being completely and utterly embarassed when the best man caught the garter and I caught the bouquet and yeah. I'm really proud of my sister and Tim for doing the right thing and getting married.

The Friends
This year reintroduced friends into my life that I thought were out of my life, and it has seen friends leave my life who I thought were in this thing for the long haul. I'm developing new friendships with some amazing people, including my pastor and his wife. God continues to blow my mind in this realm of my life. One area in which I will be growing in 2007 is how to be a friend.

Coming in 2007
My plan, my goal, my desire for 2007 is to grow in intimacy with the Lord, to surrender everything unto Him. I will begin seminary. Other than that, I am jumping into the car, buckling up my seatbelt, getting my hands and feet into the car and enjoying the ride.

Happy New Year my friends!

Christmas presents

I remember my first mission trip to Arizona. It was emotionally and physically the most difficult trip to date, of all of my trips. Somehow my zeal for missions was exponentially increased. Definitely a "God thing."

One day, during a devotional time, God gave me a scripture that I immediately internalized. "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37-38. I recall where I was sitting, the smell of the air, the color of the sky, tinged with the rays of the setting sun. In my heart, at that moment, I vowed to take up my cross and follow my Savior at any cost. For me, it is and always has been a no-brainer.

Other scriptures elude me, regardless of how I try to embody them. I've always related to Martha more than Mary. Generally--at home, at work, at church, I'm the one running around, cleaning up dishes, cooking dinner, setting things up, tearing things down, making sure everything is running smoothly for the feast. I've read, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. I've tried to put Jesus' yoke on. I've recited this scripture countless times. I've begged God for His yoke. I've cried bitter tears, wondering why God would forsake me and not allow me rest.

This Christmas, God gave me a gift--actually many gifts--for which I have been asking. Looking at the past few months, I've actually had the gifts and have been walking in them. I spent much of Christmas day with the Jacksons. I had the opportunity to talk trash on my pastor as my team beat his at "Deal or No Deal." I was heckled by him as my Cowboys were crushed by his Eagles. I really enjoyed my Christmas--no stress, no weirdness, no aggravation. As I was driving home down Rt. 70, I heard Matthew 11:28-30. And I realized that I now have Jesus yoke. My soul is truly at rest.

When you are where God has called you to be, doing what He has created you to do, your soul can rest. It is the natural effect of walking in His will. For the first time in my life, I am not looking for the next opportunity to jet off to another place in the world. I am satisfied in NJ because I know that this is where God wants me. He hand-picked The Sanctuary, Pastor John, Voorhees Township to be in my life for such a time as this. Yes, my family life is chaotic at best. Yes, I need a less temporary job. But, even in those tings I find favor in my Savior's sight. Because I am where God has called me to be, doing what He's called me to do.

You're like Dr. Phil or something

This weekend I hosted a parade of marathon phone calls and conversations. It all began with an innocent phone call about 5PM on Friday and didn't end until about 11PM last night. The calls ranged from the hilarious to the arduous. They all had one common thread. A friend or relative had a need to get from one place to the next, geographically or emotionally, and I was elected tour guide.

You see, I found myself utterly and completely unqualified in every circumstance to be speaking, even when telling a friend whether to go straight, right or left on a road I've travelled countless times. Sometimes, in the dark, over the phone, the world is muddy. Let's be honest. In the light of the noon sun, at times, the world is incomprehensible.

On Friday night, I bended my knee to what God has been encouraging since I was a young child. I have only spoken the two words to two people. It fits, but it scares me. In my mind, I've always had one career path, one idea of where God was leading me. But, when I wrote down the words "pastoral counseling" it seems that a dam in my life broke wide open.

Three hours logged into a call with my cousin whose father is cheating on her mother, trying to help her make sense of the situation, what role she can play for her little sister, how she can support her mother, who is choosing to stay in the situation with the man who has been my nemesis since he helped to move my aunt out of our house when I was six.

Between face time and phone time, I lost track of how many hours I spent convincing someone to talk to her sister. One is agressive; one is passive-agressive. Engage the two in a conversation that includes more than a how-d0-you-do, one leaves enraged, the other a massive bleeding wound. One leaves feeling victorious but unfulfilled, the other hidden tightly away in a shell that she has developed for these situations. How is it that I find myself having to call out a bully? Can a bully be reformed when she has created the caustic exterior to protect her from parents who are deceased who never protected her in the first place?

Another friend is in a transitional phase with work. She was really hurt by a church, though she will only admit fear. Today she leaves for an interview in Green Bay. She's already found a church and a mall, so she's pretty excited. Frankly, I'm excited for her because she needs to get away from this area, figure out what she wants her life to look like and go for it. I detest being the person to encourage my friends to go so far, but I want them to be healthy and successful so desperately that I'll back any of God's plans for their lives, even to my own detriment.

Last night, after listening to bits and pieces of this marathon, my sister said to me, "You're like Dr. Phil or something. When my friends come to me with their problems, I say to them, 'Dude, that sucks.' Do you really care? Do you really want to help?" That left me thinking for a long time.

I do care. I truly want to leave people better. Yet, I am in a precarious situation. I know that I have no qualifications. I have a long resume of life experience. The only thing that I have to offer is what I know of the heart of the Father and a limited knowledge of the scriptures. All I can do is lead them to what Jesus says, back to the basics of Christianity. I lead them to the foot of the cross.

So, yeah. I'm like Dr. Phil. Only difference is that I attempt to lead people to a dialogue with Jesus Christ, and not to the Dr. Phil House of Horrors or to the local bookstore to purchase a self-help book that costs half a day's salary and that will ultimately lead them back to my feet.

I want my friends and family to face the lion in the eye and KILL IT.

A reminder of why I want to do what I want to do

God never ceases to astound me. Everytime I think I may understand what He is doing, He reminds me of how high His ways are above mine, and how high His thoughts are above mine. Seriously. He reminds me that my field of vision, compared to His, is like seeing a pin head and thinking I can see the entire planet and everything that is occuring on Earth.

I'm addicted to a few things in life. Two of them are blogging (duh) and myspace. I've been posting some really serious, honest blogs on myspace. I have to admit...many of them were baited and intended for people I know (read former churchmates) are hurting and distressed. My blogs were intended to show them that there is hope in God, and to chronicle a bit of the healing process.

This morning I woke up and check my email. I received the following message:

"i've just stumbled upon you...from andrea's page...& it was an amazing thing to do...the words of wisdom in your blogs were just what the doctor ordered! hope you're well...thank you...i needed a little reminder of what life is really all about! was feeling a little sad about the loss of a good friend, not something i could have controlled, nor is it something i should question, i know...that doesn't take the hurt away- but you made me think...& offer up a little prayer to thank God for all that really matters & to remember that i should be grateful that my husband & children and good friends are still here. so, thank you- my good friend...sending you big hugs & kisses...i really needed this tonite!"

This message is from a girl with whom I went to high school. We were not friends. I can't say that we were enemies, but we certainly didn't share a locker or a limo for prom. She was a cheerleader, and I was in the band. She was popular, and I was a tutor. You're getting the picture.

God has reminded me that as long as we do what we are doing for Him, that we will bear fruit. He has reminded me that His word will not return void.

Lord, thank you for reminding me of how great Thou art.

Paradigm shift

Sitting at the computer today, trying to write an essay for my application to seminary, I felt like a fraud. How do I know? Am I insane? What am I doing? Can I do this? Will it work this time? Blah, blah, blah. So, I plug in the mp3 player and go back to basics...songs that remind me of who God says I am rather than who I say I am or who others say I am. Then I pick up my Bible and look for a specific passage. Instead, I find Isaiah (pronounced in a British accent, of course) 55:5, 8-13.

5 Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

Suddenly, I'm not a fraud. I'm simply who God has called me to be, and I'm walking forward to accomplish the word that the Lord has spoken over my life. Who am I to question what He has asked me to do? Yes, it may seem crazy. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. But, looking back, what have I done, what have I walked through for God, with God, that actually makes sense? Nothing that I can see with my eyes.

So, yeah. Here I sit, on the precipice of something magnificent, something of which I've dreamed sporadically, constantly for over a decade, perhaps three decades. I'm walking forward, jumping with no parachute. I'm depending on God to accomplish the word. After all, He is the One who said that His word will not return empty.

And I really do need some more stamps on my passport. My England stamps are kind of lonely.

Fun? Ministry? What?!

The other night I was talking about my schedule for the following day. I had a coffee date, phone calls to make about an outreach we're doing on Friday and a few other things to do as well. My friend said, "Oh, so you're doing ministry stuff tomorrow." I said, "Oh no. It's not ministry stuff. It's going to be fun."

I did not realize how deeply the culture of my previous church experience had scarred me and skewed my view of ministry. You see, anytime I thought something was fun, I was told that it was a mountaintop experience and I'd get over it. Everytime I thought something was a drudgery and horrificly boring, I was told it was ministry, what God expected of me, what would be used to humble me to get me prepared for what He had actually called me to do.

I'm not saying that 100% of what God has called us to do is definable as fun. Sometimes you have to do things that are not smile-inspiring to prepare for the fun stuff. However, the end result, the meeting kids in a park who are adorable in their costumes is a blast; having coffee with a new friend is exhilarating; having a township official call us nuts makes me want to up what we are considering to prove her correct. In short, I believe that when you are doing something that God has created you to do, it's fun.

Wow

Yesterday was one of those days that I hope that I don't forget for a long time, if ever. Last week I was given something to oversee, something near and dear to my heart. It took a few days before I had the guts to actually make the phone calls that were required. From where did the fear rise up in my belly? I believe that the more accurate question is from whom did the fear rise. It's certainly not from God. It's not his desire that I shrink back in fear from the phone or from someone, a mere mortal, on the other end. I made the call to the Township of Voorhees my church's name touches the ear of the mayor, the township administrator, the deputy chief of police, and the director of economic development/director of park services, all within 24 hours. What is amazing about the whole thing is that they don't know us as a media-whore church. They see us as a church that simply wants to give cookies to kids. They see us as a church that wants to feed the police department to simply say thank you. What they see in us is simply Jesus. Profoundly Jesus. Perhaps they cannot put a name on it. Perhaps they cannot put a label on it. One day they shall.

The gospel is profoundly simple. It is we who complicate things by trying to look smart, to look dapper, to do the right thing. Jesus didn't walk around speaking 3 point sermons to the people who looked like they needed a good pat on the back. Jesus didn't seek out only the poor and destitute that could get his face on the news. Jesus didn't court people to help get his word out. Jesus went around being Jesus, touching those in his path that the Father wanted to touch, and somehow the word got out. Even when He told them to be quiet and tell noone. Proufound. Simple. Mind-blowing. Would I have the integrity to tell someone who was miraculously healed to be quiet, go and tell noone? I hope so. Can I guarantee it? No. I cannot not tell people how awesome God was to me yesterday. I want God's name to be famous throughout this land and the rest of the world. I want everyone who has been touched by God to stand up and shout it from the mountaintops. I want to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven.

For now, I'll be handing out cookies, next to the cider and hot chocolate guys, serving up sandwiched to the police department. I'll let God handle the rest.

Realization

There is something that happens when you step onto the people mover that leads to your destiny. I understand that destiny is not a destination but the journey. But...there is something profound that occurs in every cell once you realize something that you have been called to do. When I use the word realize, I don't mean that "aha" moment. I mean the aha moment married to an actualy step.

All day I've been walking around with a dopey grin on my face. It's not that I am happy because something has been noticed. I am ecstatic because the deepest desire of my heart is to partner with God. For now, that means walking around a shopping center in one of the financial centers of South Jersey, just saying hello to people. The gospel is really profound in how simple it is. Looking at Jesus' life, His mission was so simple. Smile at the people who are sick and tick off the people who are full of themselves. Wow...for all of my life I thought that I was just a jerk. Here is turns out that I am like Jesus. Haha...ok, maybe it's not so black and white.

For now, I am the goofy looking redhead wearing the grin that literally hurts my face with seltzer for blood. Life could not be better.