Weekend recap

For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed the women's retreat. Our speaker blew my mind. What she said, though it touched me, didn't rock my world. Instead, it confirmed in me so many things that God has spoken into my life recently. And that is a cool thing.

God did a work knitting my heart to some of the women in the church this weekend. I've wanted, for so long, to find some women with whom I can relate and bond. I want those women who are older than I who can impart something into my life...and with whom I can have relationship. And I believe that I have found them.

I didn't sleep all that much...ok, pretty much not at all. When I finally fell asleep, police cars...three of them to be exact...went roaring down the boardwalk, hotels blaring, right outside our balcony. Our hotel was at the end of the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ, where the boardwalk is not that wide. It probably doesn't help that the doors to our balcony were open, but still. It scared the snot out of me.

I can't describe at length what God did in me. I believe that I will learn what He did as I live out the life that He has shown me will be. I am going to enjoy the fire moments, the dark room moments, the moments of laughter that makes my head hurt and my side cramp. In short, I am really learning to enjoy the daily living out of life.

Yes, I had my moments. I am fighting the whole Martha thing...and it is something that I will fight for a long time. There is a time to serve and a time to receive. I generally err on the side of doing too much, and when I do, I get snippy. I lose the blessing involved, and other people get snipped.

But, you know what? I'm learning. I'm learning to be vulnerable. I'm learning to be more teachable. And more than anything, I'm enjoying getting to know my Saviour through the amazing women (and men) that He has brought into my life.

But for now: it's sleepy time.

Completely random thoughts strung together...

I wonder if next week at this time I will see fit to be awake and on the frigid beach praying. With an attitude like that, I'm going to make sure that I'm snuggled in my down coat, even if it's snowing on the beach. Especially if it's snowing on the beach.

Last night I learned of another friend that found a lump. I immediately invited her to church on Sunday because Colleen is preaching...and I know that words of healing will flow. In God conquering her encounter with what could have been cancer, my fear of cancer was eradicated. Now, when I hear what was once a four letter word in my mind, I see victory. Technically lump is a four letter word, but I was referring to cancer.

I cannot shut my mind down. I'm really excited about tomorrow. It is amazing how far God has brought my friend. Two years ago, she was in the lowest place possible. God scooped her up and reminded her of who He says she is. Two weeks ago, she had a scare. We all had a scare. And now tomorrow, she has the opportunity to proclaim the goodness of God. At dinner last night, all I could do was smile. She referred to me as the Chesire Cat, or the cat that ate the canary. Now, this morning, I am completely and utterly humbled. How great is our God?!

Of course, I'm also excited at the prospect of an entire weekend of football. And I think that I'm going to be a pastor one day. Can you imagine? Services throughout football season ensuring that all congregants can get to a tv in time to see the game of their choice? I'd be an awesome pastor! :-)

And on that note, I shall end. Before my pastor doesn't send out my recommendation.

I crack myself up. Or maybe it's exhaustion.

Anxiety vs. Truth

This morning I woke up anxious. Anxious because I'm not in Hammonton, working at my friend's salon. Anxious because I'm still not feeling 100%, heck even 75% better from this cold. Anxious because I need to find a job. Anxious because I've taken the first step toward seminary and now the "reality" of it is setting in.

So, I open up my gmail box, and this is what I find.

So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. Hebrews 10:23. (Amplified Bible)

Apparently God was not surprised because I woke up anxious. He has things under control. My problem right now is that I don't. But, like I said, that is my problem. Not God's. Mine.

My responsibility? That is another thing. My responsibility is found in Matthew 6:33-34.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble. (Amplified Bible)

So, God has everything under control. My job is to recognize this, walk in this, and live this out. Interesting concept for a control freak. But, I have to also remember what Jesus said in John 15:16:

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], He may give it to you. (Amplified Bible)

You see, I didn't choose this life. Yes, I'm choosing to walk out the dreams that God has for my life. I'm choosing to walk this thing out in faith. But it is Jesus who has called me. And where He gives the vision, He gives the provision.

I do believe that, for the first time in a while, I'm scared senseless. And I couldn't be more full of joy.

Nevermind my churning stomach. :-)

Challenges and lions

I'm being challenged. Again. To write. Again. Not just copious blogging, but actually getting out a pen and paper (so old-fashioned, I know) and write. I don't know what I will be writing. I don't know what it is that I have to offer aside from an offbeat sense of humor and my observations on life. So, I will begin that journey. I actually have a cool journal that will probably take the brunt of my writing. We will either be best friends or bitter enemies.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a while. I bounced between crying and being frustrated and asking the wrong questions. Right now I'm in the gap between my past and my future. I'm paying for past mistakes, and yesterday I allowed my present circumstances to dictate my perception of my future. Which is just silly. All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I fit into that category.) God will never leave me nor forsake me. God is restoring what the locusts have stolen--even if I left the door open for those things to be eaten.

Today's challenge is to remind myself of the Truth when the lies rear their ugly head. You know, I'd like to see Aslan take on the devil. I have a sneaking suspicion which lion would win :-)

Purity

Throughout high school, people had a certain perception of me.

I didn't date until my senior year.

One of the fellows I dated was my friend, but a friend of ours convinced him that we should date. He tried to kiss me after homecoming and I...well...ducked my head and ran into the house, leaving him standing on my front step, speechless. That was, by far, my shining moment. Poor, poor guy.

Because I didn't date as much as my peers, people conceived the idea that I was...well...very pure. I was. That perception has followed me to this day.

That is a very difficult badge to wear.

You see, the fact of the matter is that there are mornings when I wake up alone and wonder, "Why? Why me Lord? Why is it taking so long?" My friends joke about why I'm single. We have a theory. The man who is man enough to marry me must be out wrestling lions and single-handedly fighting off tribes of cannibals. Poor guy. That will seem like nothing once he's married to me! :-)

It is not easy being sexually pure in this society. In case you live under a rock, sex is used as a marketing tool to sell anything and everything under the sun...cars, diapers, feminine products.

I decided when I was a young child that I wanted to wait until marriage to sleep with a man. I remember sitting on my wool, green carpet dedicating myself, body, mind and spirit to God. I remember promising God that I would wait to be married before I gave my body to anyone.

I remember crying the first time I broke that promise. I remember feeling my spirit die bit by bit everytime I broke that promise.

But, I also remember the moment that I decided enough is enough. I remember giving myself, body, mind and spirit to God once more. I remember Him washing me white as snow of the sins that I had commited. I remember how free I felt when I finally confessed to the One I love, and I choose not to abandon that freedom for a few minutes of gratification.

Chewing on this subject now, I realize that people see me as God sees me. I've taken offense to this so often. From this point forward, I will smile and look toward heaven whenever someone makes a comment.

As a brief addendum...please note that being alone does not equate to loneliness. I may not be married at the moment, but I am not lonely. I am enjoying this season on aloneness. I am learning that the holes in my life cannot be filled by people. They must be filled by the One who has called me into the season of aloneness.

And let me tell you...He is more than enough.