Call to action

This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many...the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

This weekend was also a call to action. Today Pastor Jay preached. He taught on growth...how it is important to mature as individuals, but also as a body. One of his illustrations hit me. Babies are really cute. But, if they don't develop, mature, grow, at a certain point, this indicates that there is a problem...there is a need for medical attention.

There is no medical insurance for stunted spiritual growth. But there is a hospital in which this can be cured. It is called the church, being involved in a community of believers who are growing through their own brokenness, who are experiencing healing spiritually, emotionally, physically. Spiritual growth is not reactive. It is proactive. The Bible exhorts believers to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.

For me, this weekend was a growth weekend. I actually let my guard down in the group of women. I laughed (so much so that the people in the room next door banged on the wall to shut us up.) I cried so hard that my head felt like it was hit with a bat. I got angry. I was real.

I've been hiding behind something...the identity that I've carried with me from my previous church. I didn't realize was the weight of the identity that I was portraying. I was wearing chain mail. This weekend, the chain mail was removed and melted down without me even realizing what was occuring.

This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I found myself much less self-conscious of what I wore. In church, I found myself surrounded by women. And I wasn't freaking out. I was in my element.

Back to the call to action. I have something to say, to add, to contribute. To women, to men, to the church, to the unchurched. I've known this since I was seven years old, preaching to my stuffed animals. Perhaps I've been surpressing this knowledge; perhaps hiding from the message that I have in my spirit. Now that the chain mail has been removed, I need to get the word out.

When the Potter decides that it is time, the word will go forth.

A day in Philadelphia!

Fear is a cancer to the soul. It causes families to separate, rejecting one another before they can be rejected. Fear causes people to live in terrible situations and to remain in abusive work situations.

There is good fear and bad fear. Good fear saves people from being eaten by lions and from being run over by a oncoming bus. Bad fear makes you tremble in front of man. Good fear is reverence of God; bad fear makes a person postpone an interview for fear of rejection.

The past few days have been a micrcosm of hell for me. Our car broke down; I got sick; my father has put pressure on me to find a job and did not speak to me last night because I did not go to my interview because I was sick.

But today...today was a completely different ball game. I had one of the best interviews I've ever had. My interview was supposed to last for 30 minutes. I was in the room for an hour. I was supposed to meet with one man. I met with three. Before I entered the interview, I prayed that God would let me know as soon as I walked in the building whether or not this job was for me. I prayed that He would open the door that was supposed to be open and close the door that should be closed.

For the record, God changed the law of electromagnetic energy during my interview as well. I wore the necklace that Beth gave me for Christmas as well as my long earrings. Even now my earrings are sticking to my necklace. Not once during the interview did the metal attract to the magnets. Cool, eh?

I also made a friend from Poland today. I was sitting in Starbucks writing. I had my Bible out, and this blonde woman asked me to take a picture of her in Starbucks. I smiled and acquiesced her request. She explained to me that she is from Poland, visiting friends in Philadelphia. It turns out that she is studying at Georgetown in Washington, DC. She is doing post-doctoral work, a study of the martyrs. She is Catholic. We talked about everything from the Masons to the state of America to different perceptions of homosexuality in our countries. We exchanged email addresses. If (or when) I visit Poland, I have a place to stay :-) In any case, I have made a new contact in Poland.

Long story short. Chill Pastor was correct. If you do not enjoy every moment of where you are, you will miss out on opportunities to bless other people...and to be blessed.

Oh when the Saints, go marching in

Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in....oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I'm concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He's my new hero...seriously.

At least, after tomorrow, I won't have to hear about the Eagles for a couple of months...HALLELUJAH.

So, today I went to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia...and it's pretty bad. She loves God with her whole heart and her whole being, but she is one of those people that confound me. I fully, 100% believe that God is a God who heals. But I also believe that He's given man wisdom. So, when I have bronchitis, or anything else for that matter, I believe that He will heal me...whether it is miraculous or via medicine.

Back to my friend. She's in the hospital because she's allowed herself to get so run down that one of her lungs was completely overtaken with pneumonia. Now she can hold a conversation for only a few minutes without shortness of breath. She has a few other issues going on as well. She's been believing that God would heal her. It landed her in the hospital. Yes, we have to have faith. But shall we exercise faith without the wisdom that God has given us? Is that not foolishness?

The bad news is that she's going to be in the hospital for at least the next few days...and will likely end up back in the hospital if she doesn't take care of herself. The good news is that I've lost my fear of hospitals this week. Two visits to the hospital, a potential third tomorrow, and I'm not breaking out in a cold sweat.

The best news: NO MORE EAGLES IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO MORE E-A-G-L-E-S CHANTS.

Penny for your thoughts

You know that you are an avid blogger when people call to make sure that you are ok after a day of silence :-)

I've been trying to process things that are being thrown at me right now. I'm scared to prayer right now. I'd been taught that prophesy should be confirmation, not information. Over the years, I've had several people speak things prophetically into my life that I dismissed because they were things that I had not yet discovered about myself. Lately, however, those words have brought back to the forefront of my memory. And God has been expanding on them.

I've always had a dream of traveling the world, preaching the gospel on every continent. What I never thought of, until recently, was what would fill the time between trips. Obviously, it won't be a typical 9-5 job. I am invested in what is going on in NJ. I love where I am and what I'm doing. I'm learning the practical, day to day stuff that they don't teach you in seminary, or in any classroom.

The amazing thing for me is that with every church I've attended, I've learned different facets of ministry. At one church, I learned the ministering part--how to pray for people, how to teach. At another church, I was taught the administrative stuff...how to run the office, how to be the front person, the armor bearer, how to play the political game of church life, how to prepare for and execute mission trips. Now I'm learning the establishment part of church--how to get out in the community and make a difference.

It has been my desire for a long time to go to different places and plant churches. There have been people who I allowed to speak into my life who tried to kill that desire, for whatever reason. But now, that desire is coming forth again.

I looked at the list of people whose blogs I read regularly. With few exceptions, I am drawn to the church planters, to innovators. Even in my professional life, the jobs in which I have excelled have been those in which I was constantly mobile, creating something out of nothing. So, I suppose that I must move from the place of denial to a place of freedom to be me.

There aren't exactly a multitude of examples for me to follow, being a woman. One of my friends is a Methodist pastor. She's told me that many of the male pastors in town don't speak to her. I understand the thoughts behind a woman as a lead pastor. Being a woman, I don't know that I would attend a church that has a woman as the lead pastor. As a matter of fact, I won't work for a woman because of my experiences with many different female bosses.

So, I find myself in a precarious position right now. And the reason I was silent yesterday is because this is a subject through which I have been wrestling and will continue to wrestle.

A penny for your thoughts...

Adios 2006

Well, I'm kicking off the new year in style. This afternoon I had real Asian food for lunch. Yummy! I wish I had the guts to say thank you in Mandarin. Not so much. Maybe next time.

I watched The Holy Grail, but I have to be honest. That's not really the kind of movie that one can watch by oneself. Now that I think about it, I'm still waiting for my movie night. Hmmm...mental note to self. Put that on the resolutions for '07.

I've been trying to formulate a proper 2006 post. I don't know if I can do it. So much happened that I find it very difficult to constrain that amazingness, the magnitude of what God has done in the past six months, let alone the past year. So, I'll try to highlight a few things, but know for everything I mention, I am leaving out so much.

God stuff
In 2006, I have learned who I am in Christ. I have learned who God is in a new way. I have fallen deeper in love with my Lord each day. God has restored what the locusts have stolen in many areas of my life. He has brought me places that I never thought I would go spiritually. I am learning what intimacy with the Lord really is. I've learned how to lean on Him in the good times and in the bad. And, I'm learning not to ask why.

The Sanctuary
I'm not a church groupie. I've been there, done that and have the scars on my heart to prove it. But, what I am is a part of something that is so much bigger than myself. God has healed so many areas of my life through this church. I'm not afraid of church, of pastors, of leadership any longer. I admit that I am a little less apt to jump in without much consideration, but all in all, God is amazing. I love my church. I love the people with whom I have the opportunity to worship God on a weekly basis.

The Family
My sister and Tim, after 15 years of "not rushing into anything" and having three kids, finally got married in May. They had a beautiful wedding in Tim's mom's back yard. Fun was had by all. My memories of the wedding? Waiting for an hour for the flower woman to arrive at the church to drop off flowers; yelling at Tim to get into the house because he was about to be married; being completely and utterly embarassed when the best man caught the garter and I caught the bouquet and yeah. I'm really proud of my sister and Tim for doing the right thing and getting married.

The Friends
This year reintroduced friends into my life that I thought were out of my life, and it has seen friends leave my life who I thought were in this thing for the long haul. I'm developing new friendships with some amazing people, including my pastor and his wife. God continues to blow my mind in this realm of my life. One area in which I will be growing in 2007 is how to be a friend.

Coming in 2007
My plan, my goal, my desire for 2007 is to grow in intimacy with the Lord, to surrender everything unto Him. I will begin seminary. Other than that, I am jumping into the car, buckling up my seatbelt, getting my hands and feet into the car and enjoying the ride.

Happy New Year my friends!

Anxiety vs. Truth

This morning I woke up anxious. Anxious because I'm not in Hammonton, working at my friend's salon. Anxious because I'm still not feeling 100%, heck even 75% better from this cold. Anxious because I need to find a job. Anxious because I've taken the first step toward seminary and now the "reality" of it is setting in.

So, I open up my gmail box, and this is what I find.

So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. Hebrews 10:23. (Amplified Bible)

Apparently God was not surprised because I woke up anxious. He has things under control. My problem right now is that I don't. But, like I said, that is my problem. Not God's. Mine.

My responsibility? That is another thing. My responsibility is found in Matthew 6:33-34.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble. (Amplified Bible)

So, God has everything under control. My job is to recognize this, walk in this, and live this out. Interesting concept for a control freak. But, I have to also remember what Jesus said in John 15:16:

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], He may give it to you. (Amplified Bible)

You see, I didn't choose this life. Yes, I'm choosing to walk out the dreams that God has for my life. I'm choosing to walk this thing out in faith. But it is Jesus who has called me. And where He gives the vision, He gives the provision.

I do believe that, for the first time in a while, I'm scared senseless. And I couldn't be more full of joy.

Nevermind my churning stomach. :-)

New plan of attack

I've come up with a plan for survival today. I'm going to look at the women with whom I work as if they were on the Island of Misfit Toys ala Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I work with a bunch of Charlie in the Boxes. They all have character and personality, but they are broken people. Just like me.

I have to remember that different personalities compensate in different ways for their brokenness. I also have to remember that, in the creative world, there is a lot of ego and pride.

And I have to remember that it is ok for me not to be good at everything. I can't do everything. There are some things I can't do. And it's ok. This mini-therapy session brought to you, for free, by the struggle for perfection that occurs constantly in my head.

Blessed, broken and given. That is my life in a nutshell. Thanks for the reminder :-)

Busy, busy day

The four scariest words strung together are the following: I read your blog.

Since I am so shy and introverted, and I don't write all that much, I always have to wonder: what is it that I said?!?!?!?!

Today was awesome, amazing, fabulous, fantastic...I could go on and on. Beth, Ehrin and I delivered the presents to Voorhees Township. After we spoke with Grace, we ran into the Director of Economic Development. He and Grace were talking about us, and one of them said, "They are a great addition to our community, aren't they?" Wow. We're not only the church that gives, but now we're also "a great addition to the community." It just gets better and better.

Then we went over to the trailer to see our friend Val. She and the ladies loved the cookies. They wanted to know about the church. We had a good time kibbitzing with them. I look forward to seeing what God develops over the next few months.

After I left Beth and Ehrin, I delivered some cookies to the VTPD. The dispatcher who accepted the cookies appeared perplexed. But I think that they'll wind up enjoying the cookies as well. I also went to the new Christian bookstore in the Eagle Plaza. I had a nice chat with the woman who works there...her husband is a pastor in Camden. That store has a little bit of everything.

I actually accomplished everything on my mental to-do list. So, it's free sailing from here on out. Rumor has it that I start working at the salon tomorrow. That should be interesting.

Ouch

Yesterday, after church, we were talking with Pastor John and Beth.

All of a sudden, we found ourselves talking about blogs. I mentioned that I had written that I want to be anywhere but NJ. Some more comments were made, and then Pastor John looked away and said, "You see. Deneen lives here, but she lives elsewhere." If that is not the exact quote, it's what I heard.

Ouch.

More conversation was had. A day was lived. But that comment stuck with me. Not in a bad way. But more in a this is something on which I have to work kind of way.

I've spent 31 years wishing I was somewhere else. To quote George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, "The three best sounds in the world are a plane engine, a train whistle and the sound of an anchor pulling up." I love to travel, even if it means getting on a PATCO train to go into Philadelphia.

However, I have to learn to abide where I am. I've never known so clearly that God has placed me here for such a time as this. The things that I see Him doing in my life right now, His constant presence, His words of encouragement, correction. He's placed me in a church where I am held accountable. Not the kind of accountability that makes me hide who I am. The kind of accountability that allows me to be who I am. He's given me something for which I have been asking for a long time.

One day we were singing "To the Ends of the Earth" by Hillsong United. The worship leader asked the congregation, "Would you go to the ends of the earth for God? What if the ends of the earth, for you, is NJ." I remember crying bitterly. However, those words have stuck deep within my heart. I've been crying out for years, "Here I am, lord. Send me." It seems that He's saying, "Deneen, I already have."'

Ouch.

So, my lesson for this week, month, 2007 seems to be learning to abide right here, where I am, in NJ.

Christmas

There are some days when I am utterly and totally amazed at what God does. And then there are days like today. Days when there are literally no words.

The Sanctuary is, by far, the most generous church that I've attended. We adopted two families this Christmas. God's not only supplied every request made, I'm fairly certain that their expectations have been exceeded!!! Tomorrow I have the opportunity to take the items, along with two beautiful women from my church, to the township. I am completely astonished by the generosity of this group of people. I can only imagine how overwhelmed the township will be. The families...I can't even fathom.

Today at lunch, a "chance" encounter occured. Colleen and I ran into old friends from our old church...my former pastor's sister and her family. It was awesome because there was no weirdness, no awkward pause. It just was. Movie tickets were offered...they will be coming to see The Nativity Story along with Jim and Dawn, her parents. I cannot wait. God has done so much healing in the past two months. I actually want them to come to the movie. Just because I want to see them, love them, hug them...it's amazing how sometimes I don't realize that I miss people until I see them. Weird, eh?

On prayer

Last night, I learned a valuable lesson...again.

As long as I can remember, I've enjoyed prayer. I love to win; I love going to battle. I relish having the opportunity to link arms with the Creator of the Universe to do His work here on earth.

But then bad teaching happened. And prayer turned into a club. A club into which you had to be invited; a club that required a class involving a book that, to this day, makes me feel all queasy (in a bad way, NOT a good way.)

Since the bad teaching, I've had some trouble in the prayer department. I've gone from storming the gates of Heaven for an answer to blandly asking God to do whatever. "You know, God, whatever Your will is will be fine for me," she said in a apathetic tone, afraid that her prayers were falling on deaf ears.

But then last night happened. I've been asking God for something, and last night He wanted specifics. It's not unheard of that God would want to know more details. There were so many instances in the Bible where people would come up to Jesus, and He would ask, "Well, what do you want? What can I do for you?" Jesus asked the lame man at the gate, "What do you want?" The man said he wanted to walk. So Jesus told him to walk. How about the woman with the issue of blood? She reached for the hem of Jesus' garment. He felt her touch the hem of His garment, and He told her that her faith had made her well. I could go on and on. The point is, Jesus wants us to be specific. Perhaps so that we can see the answer to our prayer, we can recognize it.

However, if I pray specifically without recognizing the sovereignty of God, without acknowledging that His timing and His will are perfect, I am praying a misguided prayer. I have the potential to become angry and jaded.

Prayer is conversation with God. God created us for relationship with Himself. Since He's not physically walking around my house with me, I have to pray to be in contact with Him.

So, I'm relearning what prayer is and what prayer is not. I have to learn the time for specifics and the time for praying for God to do as He wants in a situation. And that, my friends, is why I love prayer. It is not cut and dry. But it is.

Hasta luego

Why is it that we pray for God to grow people, to move them forward, but when it comes to pass, it is so difficult to bear?

Tonight I am sending a friend off to Green Bay. She was one of the first kids that I actually bonded with (on the same side of the fence) when I did youth ministry. I'll never forget the first time I saw her. I thought...wow. She's loud. She's intense. She's unique. I watched her attempt to put her contacts in for the minute she wanted to go without glasses. That didn't work out so well for her.

I've been a part of some of her darkest moments over the past seven years...and part of her greatest triumphs. I will never forget the pride that I felt when she was one of the student speakers at her graduation from FDU. I will also never forget how she tried to hide that she was dating that boy on that day as well.

I've stormed that gates of hell with her and for her. I've told her the truth more honestly than I've probably told anyone. I've seen her heart break and I've watched her accomplish things that most people many years her senior will never accomplish.

More than anything else, I've seen God's hand on this kid from the first moment that I met her. And now I've got to trust God, that He'll guide her, protect her heart, protect her from herself if necessary.

I know that this is part of what I'll experience when I'm a pastor. I know tha this is part of God's plan for her, because I prayed for God's will over her interview and over job offers. But why does it have to hurt so much?

Well...that is part of being human.

Christmas presents

Either I'm verbose, or the rest of you are just quiet.

That being said....

Today was very interesting. I was preparing my presentation (as on a table, not to the congregation) for our gift giving to the township. All of a sudden it hit me that there are people who will not have the money for Christmas. And we have the privelege of allowing families to have Christmas. God is so awesome.

In the past, I was part of Christmas in Camden. We got all dressed up in our Christmas sweaters and Santa hats and walked throughout the blocks in North Camden that we'd adopted, and we gave away presents to the kids and food to the adults. I absolutely loved every minute of those frigid days. I enjoyed wrapping the presents beforehand. I love to give, so that part of me was fulfilled.

What we are doing now is a bit more meaningful for me...for where I am now and for where I'm going. We are giving anonymously, and we are giving the families the autonomy to buy what they would like their children to have. We are giving them the power to choose whatever Christmas dinner means to them.

I've heard the saying over and over: give someone a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach someone to fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life. I know that technically we're giving away fish. But, we're allowing these families to have dignity as well. Besides...is that whole fish thing in the Bible anyway? I can't seem to recall seeing it. If I'm wrong, I'm sure someone will let me know.

I'm not insulting what other people are doing. I just know that I would be mortified if someone showed up on my doorstep with a box of food and some gifts for my kids, no matter how desperately I needed the food.

Isn't it interesting how God works in different ways in different places, yet somehow meets the same needs? If you feed the poor...If you give clothing to the naked...If you give water to the thirsty...

Thanksgiving doughnuts

Just wanted to thank everyone who participated in our gift card collection. You have made a great impression on the township of Voorhees, and you have provided families with food for Thanksgiving who wouldn't have had enough for a good dinner. I can't say it enough. I love my church!

I took the gift cards and doughnuts to the township. The people in the township are amazed by our genorosity. We've developed a bad reputation. We're known as the church that does, not the church that talks. We're getting some free advertisement as well. We're going to be listed in the township calendar as a house of worship. It's amazing how many opportunities open with a few doughnuts and a lot of God's favor.

So, good work my friends and family. I can't wait to see what God will do for Christmas!

God is a bit of a punk at the moment

I've said it many times. God works in mysterious ways. Right now, I don't think He's all that mysterious. I think He's a bit of a punk. Perhaps I'm a bit irreverant. Right now I'm sitting here, shaking my head, wondering. Just wondering. Perhaps you want to know what I'm talking about.

Last night, my mom and I had a rather long discussion about my cousin. Long story short about my cousin. She apparently attempted suicide last October (2005) and she wound up living in our house. Havoc was created for the next 7 months. She was sent back to live with her parents in May of this year.

Fast forward to last night. Mom and I were discussing her and the havoc that she caused in our house. This havoc was caused because boundaries were not set for her and because she was not in counselling while living in the house. My mom sees everyone through rose-colored glasses. I'm not so trusting. I don't give my trust easily, and once you lose my trust, I'm very, VERY slow to give it back, if I ever do. My mom told me that I'm mean and that I'm too hard on her. You see, when she's acting bad, I tell her to straighten up her act. I tell her what she needs to hear but doesn't want to hear.

Fast forward to today. My cousin got a new phone. She called me. Not my mom. Me. We talked for over three hours. And she's going to church tomorrow. In Pennsylvania near where she lives. I sincerely hope that she actually goes. Here's hoping.

So...here's why God is a punk. I've asked Him to walk through the chambers of my heart, find what needs to be cleaned and do what needs to be done. Last night I was discussing my frustrations concerning my cousin with my mother. Today my cousin called. God has dealt with my heart issue. Please understand. I'm not going to trust her just yet. But I'm willing to walk with her through the stuff she's dealing with, and I will lead her to the only place she can find true healing. AT the foot of the cross.

Did I mention that when she lived here, before I moved to MA, mom and I led her in the prayer of salvation? You see...God's Word NEVER RETURNS VOID!!!!!!

Autobiographical statement, take 10,000

Remember all of the hard work from yesterday? I won't say that it's been completely scrapped, but it has certainly been overhauled. It's good to have some honest people who will tell you when you are presenting yourself in...well...ahem...not the best light. I appreciate honesty, when it is with a correct heart that it is presented.

So...my hair is completely grey, and I'm balding from pulling out lumps of hair...but I think that the new product is much better. We'll see though :-)

And yeah...this is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do. But what can you do with God and for God that is easy?

We're all terminal

I don't know what God is trying to teach me, but I probably should learn it soon or I'll be completely alone on earth with only roaches as my companions.

OK--a little dramatic, a little over-the-top.

I receieved a call from my Aunt Michelle today. Her husband's Aunt Helen died this morning. She wasn't sick. The other night she decided to take a bath instead of a shower. She couldn't get out of the tub, so she stayed in all night. When she finally got out of the tub, she ended up in her kitchen, unable to get up. Long story short, they got her to the hospital. It was looking good until this morning when she went into renal failure. She died at 7:30 in the morning.

There were some funny moments in the story, though. The hospital thought she had a stroke because they were talking to her and she was not responding. See, she was deaf in her right ear. Once they talked to her on her left side, she responded. (I didn't know she was deaf for a while and would talk to her. She'd smile and nod. I couldn't remember who was deaf and who was blind on that street.) Last night, when my uncle went to see her, she yelled at him, telling him that he should be at home with his wife and mother instead of in a hospital with an old woman. She also told him to turn down her thermostat since she wasn't home. (He's the caretaker of all of the elderly on his street. My aunt jokingly calls the street his harem.) These anecdotes are probably more humorous to me since I knew her and the situations.

Maybe I'm learning to deal with death. Maybe I'm learning to maintain joy when I want to sob. Maybe I'm just learning that in life there are births and deaths, both of which are the natural ebb and flow of being a human being. Maybe I'm learning that, as Craig Fassler said on Sunday, "We're all terminal." It's time to make the most of every moment at hand, because we're not guaranteed tomorrow.

Lunch at the VTPD

As I was driving to deliver food today, I began to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't really know where it has come from or what has triggered this feeling. I just kind of feel a bit claustrophobic. I almost feel like there is not enough oxygen, not enough room for my wings to spread. I go through these phases more often than not.

Now is the time that God has to move in...or rather I have to allow God to move in and be God.

On a lighter note--the lunch at the police station was awesome. The Deputy Chief got a little choked up. Today was absolutely God's timing...last week there was a hit list at Eastern HS in Voorhees. They are all finally getting rested up after working a string of 14-16 hours days, investigating kids. We actually got to meet the lead detective on the case...I felt very honored.

God is amazing. Absolutely, positively amazing.

Fun? Ministry? What?!

The other night I was talking about my schedule for the following day. I had a coffee date, phone calls to make about an outreach we're doing on Friday and a few other things to do as well. My friend said, "Oh, so you're doing ministry stuff tomorrow." I said, "Oh no. It's not ministry stuff. It's going to be fun."

I did not realize how deeply the culture of my previous church experience had scarred me and skewed my view of ministry. You see, anytime I thought something was fun, I was told that it was a mountaintop experience and I'd get over it. Everytime I thought something was a drudgery and horrificly boring, I was told it was ministry, what God expected of me, what would be used to humble me to get me prepared for what He had actually called me to do.

I'm not saying that 100% of what God has called us to do is definable as fun. Sometimes you have to do things that are not smile-inspiring to prepare for the fun stuff. However, the end result, the meeting kids in a park who are adorable in their costumes is a blast; having coffee with a new friend is exhilarating; having a township official call us nuts makes me want to up what we are considering to prove her correct. In short, I believe that when you are doing something that God has created you to do, it's fun.

Mission

How am I supposed to put into words the roller coaster that has been my day. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows I have travelled. I want to desperately to be strong, to walk out what I have spoken today. But can it be done? Will I be strong or will I fall to pieces? Will I remember who I am, who I've become, or will I revert to trembling Much Afraid once again? Will I have the courage to be a beacon of hope, or will I lament walking in alone?

Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land--against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people in the land. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the Lord.
-Jeremiah 1:17-19

I guess I have my answer.

This is the reality of life with Christ. He puts me in very uncomfortable situations and tells me to depend on Him. Leaning on Him, on others, is not something that comes easily to me. I've not really had all that many people to lean on in the past. I've generally be the person on whom people lean. I have to admit, however, that learning to depend on people has been a fruitful process. Trust is a wonderful thing. I don't give it easily, but I find freedom once it's been given. And freedom is something that I am currently enjoying.

So, who am I, then, to even question my actions? Jesus came to set the captives free. If I am truly His ambassador, walking out the Great Commission, then how dare I even consider answering no when He has divinely appointed a moment, a meeting? I have asked Him to be the Lord of my life, and that means of all of my life, including my actions. I have told Him, "Lord, here am I. Send me."

So tomorrow, off I go. I am being sent. On a mission. Not with fear, but with confidence.