New England semi-wrap-up

Well, I have been back in NJ for a little over 24 hours. I am still attempting to make sense of all that occured in New England. Mom and I had a lovely time. I think that, for the most part, we really enjoyed being in one another's company. Except for those times when I became too much like my father. Then she would gently but urgently ask me to pull the car over so that she could drive.

You see...I have issues.

For instance, on Friday, we were supposed to take a train into Boston. She's never seen the city, and I needed closure. As we were getting ready to go, she looked at me in an absolute panic and asked if I wanted to go to Gloucester, MA instead. Because it was raining, I said, "No." I had mentally prepared myself to get on the train and face what I needed to face in Boston. She went mental on me because she was scared to death of the crowds and the train. So we compromised. We took a driving tour of MA, CT and RI. I wanted closure, instead we got a Christmas tree. It's really pretty. A man on a Christmas tree farm cut it down for us and secured it on the roof of the minivan in the pouring rain. Good times, good times.

Changes in schedule like that freak me out. It's not that I can't be spontaneous. I like to do things on the spur of the moment. But, if I have my mind set on something, I fixate and it takes me a LONG time to recover my composure.

Visiting with my aunt and uncle was about as expected. We sat around, pretending that there was nothing wrong. I loaded all of my carp into the car and came home on Saturday as scheduled.

I wish that I could write a bright, cheery post about the wonders of New England. I can't. I'm happy to have all of my clothes, shoes and calendars here, but I left MA haunted by a sense that my time there is not over. I almost called my pastor to ask why I should come home. I know that I am here in NJ for now, but there is something that must still be accomplished up north. I don't know what it is.

That being said, I'm choosing to dwell in this moment. Instead of looking to something that is not for now, I'm enjoying now. Chruch this morning was like Christmas. Old friends came to visit the new house. And...I think that they all felt at home. How awesome is God?

Massachusetts

This morning I awoke, filled with anxiety about my trip. When I dug just a little deeper, I realized that today I am going back to the place where one of my biggest dreams...failed.

The stuff that I am going to reclaim today is much more than luggage, clothing, shoes, books and calendars. They are the pieces of something that I thought was going to long-term. I truly, in the deepest part of my being, believed that I was being sent to New England to effect change throughout the region. I thought that I would make a life up there, find a church and be in the place that I love.

I knew that it was not going to be easy. I knew that New England is a really rough place, especially for outsiders. But, I thought that God and I would conquer all of that.

Through tears, I told God all of this. Do you want to know what He told me?

Deneen, I sent you up to Massachusetts with the belief that you were going to change the world because you never would have agreed to go if you knew that it was you I was going to work on. It's not that you are not willing to do the work. It is that you are so focused on others that you forget about yourself. But, Deneen, I've not forgotten about you. You are always on my mind. I wanted to heal you and change you and rebuild you so that you could be where you are right now. You returned to NJ at just the right time, even though the timing seems off. You returned ready to enter the church, ready to begin trusting again. I took you into a land of distrust so that you would learn to trust.

I don't know if I should put this on my blog. I put it here to encourage anyone who has had a dream that appeared to fail. Sometimes God sends us on the journey to pursue our dreams, not for the dream's sake, but for our own sake. Or...that is what He did for me. And perhaps that is what He has done for you.

So, it is with bittersweet emotions that I return to the land that I love. The first time my feet touched the soil of New England, 14 years ago, I knew that it was a place where my heart would remain. I don't know how my teenage mind knew that, but it did. I can't wait to share Boston with my mother. I can't wait to get my shoes back so that I can walk a few inches taller. I can't wait to see Boston through my new eyes. I can't wait to come back to NJ to begin my life once again.

Headed to Beantown for a few

Well, after nearly six months of trying, I am finally headed back to Boston for a few days. When I return, I'll have my clothes, my shoes, my Tom Brady calendar, my favorite Bible. I can't wait.

I leave on Thursday afternoon and will return on Saturday afternoon. I'm fairly certain that 72 hours will be my maximum allowable exposure to Aunt Michelle and mom. I cannot wait to walk the streets that I love so dearly, smell the smells and take in the sights.

I wonder what it will be like to return to the streets with which I was so intimate for such a brief, intense period of my life. I'm sure that returning and leaving after so abbreviated an encounter will be bittersweet.

On a completely different note.

God is working out something in me that I have been...umm...I don't know whether the appropriate word is avoiding or ignoring. But alas, it has been brought to the forefront of my mind, and I'm going to be writing some things out.

Be afraid. Very afraid.