Completely random thoughts strung together...

I wonder if next week at this time I will see fit to be awake and on the frigid beach praying. With an attitude like that, I'm going to make sure that I'm snuggled in my down coat, even if it's snowing on the beach. Especially if it's snowing on the beach.

Last night I learned of another friend that found a lump. I immediately invited her to church on Sunday because Colleen is preaching...and I know that words of healing will flow. In God conquering her encounter with what could have been cancer, my fear of cancer was eradicated. Now, when I hear what was once a four letter word in my mind, I see victory. Technically lump is a four letter word, but I was referring to cancer.

I cannot shut my mind down. I'm really excited about tomorrow. It is amazing how far God has brought my friend. Two years ago, she was in the lowest place possible. God scooped her up and reminded her of who He says she is. Two weeks ago, she had a scare. We all had a scare. And now tomorrow, she has the opportunity to proclaim the goodness of God. At dinner last night, all I could do was smile. She referred to me as the Chesire Cat, or the cat that ate the canary. Now, this morning, I am completely and utterly humbled. How great is our God?!

Of course, I'm also excited at the prospect of an entire weekend of football. And I think that I'm going to be a pastor one day. Can you imagine? Services throughout football season ensuring that all congregants can get to a tv in time to see the game of their choice? I'd be an awesome pastor! :-)

And on that note, I shall end. Before my pastor doesn't send out my recommendation.

I crack myself up. Or maybe it's exhaustion.

Late night phone calls

Last night I received a text message from a friend. "Havin an amazin but hard god moment. pray 4 me." So I responded, and she called. And we talked for over two hours.

I was on the phone with my friend from Cali. It's really interesting to witness what God is doing in her life. I loathe the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words any longer out of self-pity and a desire to have their ears tickled. But I love the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words but I hear their hearts crying out for the Lord...to heal their hurts, to deliver them from temptation, to give them the strength that is needed to follow Him.

As she was weeping, all I could tell her is that she is right where God wants her. In a small world. In a tough situation. In the crucible. In the middle of the fire.

I wanted to catch a flight to Cali. I actually had a dream that I caught the plane. I wanted to tell her to walk away from the pain, to do something to numb the pain.

But, that would have been a soulish, worldly response. The godly response is to lead her to the foot of the cross, to allow the stripes He endured to heal those deep wounds.

Maybe I am called to do this thing for which God signed me up. It seems to be so.

Friends

So, tonight I discovered yet another heart issue that needs to be addressed. My mind. My mind goes places that it should not go. I've not heard from a friend in a few days, and I thought she was mad at me. Can you say insecure? Tonight we talked for an hour, and everything is, of course, just fine. She's been really busy and I've been preoccupied.

*wipes sweat off brow*

*Disclaimer*

As you can tell, I use my blog to write out what I am going through. It's my hope that I present the problem and the resolution. This blog is raw. Yeah, I'm pointing out the obvious. I honestly never thought I'd have anyone read it. And now that I do, I'm trying not to be too self-conscious. For me, this is a learning experience, albeit a public learning experience.

What a day

It's rare to find me, of all people, at a loss for words. I've been trying to surrender my fear for days now. I was able to keep it below the surface for the past few days, but today...not so much.

The rites of passage for women, for adults have changed so greatly over the past few decades. I remember in the late 80's, the rite of passage was the dreaded HIV test. Today, for women, it is the unexpected lump.

Today as I sat in the mammography suite, laughing at the soap opera featuring a transvestite attempting to woo a lesbian, I found myself confused, angry, and feeling sorry for the women who came and left by themselves. The lady who was waiting next to me struck me the hardest because her fear was palpable. I do not know her, and probably will never see her again, but her face will stick with me for a long time.

I've never had really good, tried and true friends. It's only in the past few years that I've actually learned what a friend is, and how to be a friend. (I'm still learning the how part, FYI.) So today while I was waiting for my friend to have her test, I couldn't help but question God. I know that He's sovereign. I know that He has her best interest at heart. I know that whatever this thing is will, in the long run, glorify Him. But the thought of my friend going through this thing, that breaks my heart. And it scares the snot out of me.

I suppose it appears that I'm not at a loss for words. The only way to aptly express what I'm experiencing right now is a guttural groan that is loud and deep.

Snapper soup

There are times when I am ultra-sensitive, and then there are times when I am ulra-dense. One of my best friends shared something with me, and I thought, "Ok."

I guess that I still think that I, and all of my close friends, are immortal. A regular band of superheroes. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, it occured to me that we are not.

And then I went into turtle mode. You know. A strong exterior, but my insides were snapper soup.

Last night, I prayed from the depths of my soul for my friend. Deep gut prayers that only God could possibly understand. I know a few things. I know that by His stripes, she is healed. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I know that with the faith of a fennel, I mean mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

I know that there are only two things that I can do for her right now. I know that I can pray for her, because God hears my prayers. And I know that I can be a friend to her...learn how to be the friend that she needs me to be right now, for such a time as this.

Lessons learned by the Grinch

Well, tonight was my first Sanctuary Christmas party. I learned a few valuable lessons that will not leave my memory for a long time, and I have some thoughts about life in general that I think it's time to divulge.

First of all, I learned not to have a bad attitude about games. If you do, you will be labeled The Grinch. Literally. You'll have to wear the tag on your back and then on your arm. For the whole night.

Secondly, I learned that calories cannot and must not be considered real on the night of a gathering of the people of The Sanctuary. I thought that I did pretty well with my eating tonight. However, I am avoiding sharp objects at all costs because I'm afraid that if I come into contact with a sharp object that I may pop.

I think that the person who invented the chocolate fountain is evil incarnate. Who can resist flowing chocolate? If you are one of the ten people in the world who don't like chocolate, shame on you :-) Seriously, though. If you add together the flowing chocolate and the handmade marshmallows, you have a PMS dream come true. (Sorry gentlemen. But...yeah...it's true.)

Seriously. I've been to some church functions involving food. But I've never been to a function where the people brought so much food that two trays of food were thrown in the trash. Usually people bring a bit of this and that. But at The Sanctuary, we all bring enough food to feed the entire clan. Oh yeah. Did I mention that all of the food was out of this world??? Usually I find something about which I can complain, because I am a food snob. Not tonight.

I was so apprehenisve about going to the party. I always have anxiety about being in groups of people. I love people, but I'm not good at small talk and mingling. I'm just not a good mingler. But tonight was awesome. God has placed me in such a great group of people. Quirky, funny, caring, generous, compassionate.

I thank God for The Sanctuary. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a million more times. It is what I always thought church could be, but never thought it would be.

Forgiveness & Friends

I love my friends. I love having friends because we challenge one another. Tonight as I was talking to Colleen (there...you are no longer a source close to Deneen. You've been named. ) I was utterly and totally challenged. She is planning on sending a birthday card to an old friend, as well as an anniversary card to him and his wife. She may even make them Christmas cookies.

Well, this is to be expected during this time of year, right? How about if those people hurt you? I mean deep wounds, not just idle chatter. I, just last night, prayed for them for the first time in a long time. And she's thinking of making cookies for them.

I was challenged. In my family, once someone hurts you so deeply, they might as well be dead. My grandmother has not spoken to her half brother and half sister in over 25 years because they did not attend her second wedding--a marriage that lasted all of 12-18 months.

Thankfully, I belong to a new family. In my new family, all of my sins were forgiven in an instant when Jesus gave His life on the cross. For me. If I were the only person who accepted Him, He still would have given His life for me. And let me tell you something. I have denied Him more than Peter. Everyday I do something that equals another lash with a whip that has jagged bones and glass attached to the end. Everyday my sin pounds those nails into His hands and feet. Everyday my mouth pierces His dead body to make sure He's really dead.

So, who am I to hold animosity toward anyone?

I know that Colleen thought I was joking when I told her that she raised the bar higher than I was willing to reach. I've had a perspective change. She certainly has raised the bar. But...I've decided I'm up to the challenge.

I'm still not making them cookies, though.