Today I learned a valuable lesson. God loves me more than I give Him credit for.
I had a job interview today, and as much as I hate to admit it, I had an attitude...and not a good one. I was having a pity party of one. But, I put on my big girl clothes and went on the interview. As it turns out, the position was filled. I was really happy. Teaching science to middle school kids is a tricky thing. You have to be passionate about science, patient, and have a real sense of humor about the whole thing. As much as I love science, I would have been in way over my head. I don't like to do things that I know I am utterly unqualified to do.
Even as I wrote that, I started laughing. I am utterly unqualified to do most of what I am doing right now. Somehow, God keeps blessing the work of my hands, and the endeavors are successful.
Back to the work front. In September this school is opening up a computer lab, and they will need a teacher to run the lab: create curriculum for the kids, teach it, pick out the programs to teach the kids. Here's the kicker. The principal is interested in talking to me about the job. I think that is something that I could do.
God's given me a gift to start things, get them up and running and pass the baton onto the next person. Even better, I would be able to participate in the state of NJ's alternative route to teaching wherein I would be mentored for two years by the school, continue my education to get my MA in Education, and become fully qualified to teach anywhere.
Is this something that will be of interest in a few months? I don't know. But...it is nice to see that there are doors that can potentially open if the correct situation arises. In short, it is really morale boosting to see that there is someone who looks at me and my resume and sees potential, not drifter.
Showing posts with label direction change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label direction change. Show all posts
Monday, December 04, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Massachusetts
This morning I awoke, filled with anxiety about my trip. When I dug just a little deeper, I realized that today I am going back to the place where one of my biggest dreams...failed.
The stuff that I am going to reclaim today is much more than luggage, clothing, shoes, books and calendars. They are the pieces of something that I thought was going to long-term. I truly, in the deepest part of my being, believed that I was being sent to New England to effect change throughout the region. I thought that I would make a life up there, find a church and be in the place that I love.
I knew that it was not going to be easy. I knew that New England is a really rough place, especially for outsiders. But, I thought that God and I would conquer all of that.
Through tears, I told God all of this. Do you want to know what He told me?
Deneen, I sent you up to Massachusetts with the belief that you were going to change the world because you never would have agreed to go if you knew that it was you I was going to work on. It's not that you are not willing to do the work. It is that you are so focused on others that you forget about yourself. But, Deneen, I've not forgotten about you. You are always on my mind. I wanted to heal you and change you and rebuild you so that you could be where you are right now. You returned to NJ at just the right time, even though the timing seems off. You returned ready to enter the church, ready to begin trusting again. I took you into a land of distrust so that you would learn to trust.
I don't know if I should put this on my blog. I put it here to encourage anyone who has had a dream that appeared to fail. Sometimes God sends us on the journey to pursue our dreams, not for the dream's sake, but for our own sake. Or...that is what He did for me. And perhaps that is what He has done for you.
So, it is with bittersweet emotions that I return to the land that I love. The first time my feet touched the soil of New England, 14 years ago, I knew that it was a place where my heart would remain. I don't know how my teenage mind knew that, but it did. I can't wait to share Boston with my mother. I can't wait to get my shoes back so that I can walk a few inches taller. I can't wait to see Boston through my new eyes. I can't wait to come back to NJ to begin my life once again.
The stuff that I am going to reclaim today is much more than luggage, clothing, shoes, books and calendars. They are the pieces of something that I thought was going to long-term. I truly, in the deepest part of my being, believed that I was being sent to New England to effect change throughout the region. I thought that I would make a life up there, find a church and be in the place that I love.
I knew that it was not going to be easy. I knew that New England is a really rough place, especially for outsiders. But, I thought that God and I would conquer all of that.
Through tears, I told God all of this. Do you want to know what He told me?
Deneen, I sent you up to Massachusetts with the belief that you were going to change the world because you never would have agreed to go if you knew that it was you I was going to work on. It's not that you are not willing to do the work. It is that you are so focused on others that you forget about yourself. But, Deneen, I've not forgotten about you. You are always on my mind. I wanted to heal you and change you and rebuild you so that you could be where you are right now. You returned to NJ at just the right time, even though the timing seems off. You returned ready to enter the church, ready to begin trusting again. I took you into a land of distrust so that you would learn to trust.
I don't know if I should put this on my blog. I put it here to encourage anyone who has had a dream that appeared to fail. Sometimes God sends us on the journey to pursue our dreams, not for the dream's sake, but for our own sake. Or...that is what He did for me. And perhaps that is what He has done for you.
So, it is with bittersweet emotions that I return to the land that I love. The first time my feet touched the soil of New England, 14 years ago, I knew that it was a place where my heart would remain. I don't know how my teenage mind knew that, but it did. I can't wait to share Boston with my mother. I can't wait to get my shoes back so that I can walk a few inches taller. I can't wait to see Boston through my new eyes. I can't wait to come back to NJ to begin my life once again.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Cleaning
Today was supposed to be a day of studying, reading and writing. Instead, I found myself cleaning for over 3 hours. I scrubbed our house like it's not been scrubbed in a long time. Mundane it seems, but actually not so trivial. Whenever I get the sense that my life is about to be out of my control, I clean. I scrub. I nest. When I worked at the bank, they used to see me cleaning and steer clear of me because they had an inkling of what was to come. It is honestly completely subconscious. I do not even realize that I am in the cycle until I'm in deep...with couches moved and Windex sprayed and Clorox Cleanup all over my shirt. By that time, I'm past the point of no return and I have to race to the finish line. So, our house is spic and span.
On so many levels, my meeting with Pastor John is important tonight. I guess I didn't realize how important until my hands were chafed. I have to be honest...really honest with him about where I see my life going. In that, I risk so many things. It's better to take the risk now than wait. I don't want to be in England, outside of a tent, after the best meeting of my life and have my heart crushed and handed to me on a platter. I'd rather do that now. Though I have the sense that my heart will not be handed to me on a platter but rather protected. Yet I find myself cleaning.
For now, a nap and some reflection are in order.
On so many levels, my meeting with Pastor John is important tonight. I guess I didn't realize how important until my hands were chafed. I have to be honest...really honest with him about where I see my life going. In that, I risk so many things. It's better to take the risk now than wait. I don't want to be in England, outside of a tent, after the best meeting of my life and have my heart crushed and handed to me on a platter. I'd rather do that now. Though I have the sense that my heart will not be handed to me on a platter but rather protected. Yet I find myself cleaning.
For now, a nap and some reflection are in order.
How can I prepare them?
Last night, technically, earlier this morning, I wrote a three page journal entry on what it means to me to be a pastor. The kicking off point was a thought that occured to me: The heart of a pastor must be guarded from sin yet available to sinners.
This morning I awoke with the strongest desire I've had in a very long time to go on a missions trip. My church has a mission mentality. We want our people to know that we are living life on a mission, that you don't have to go on a mission trip to have that "aha" moment. I completely support this mindset. I know that living life on a mission purposefully and intentionally is a paradigm shift for most. It certainly has been for me.
That being said, the thought that has been going through my head is, "How can you prepare them for what they will see when you cannot fathom it yourself." I want to take a team of fresh eyes, fresh hearts, fresh minds on a mission trip somewhere new. Perhaps it will be my eyes, mind, heart that will need refreshing, but I believe it will be a group of people who've not been on a trip. I would love the opportunity to take new believers on a trip to serve a community that needs serving, to take them out of their element, to stretch their minds, their paradigms and to bring the new-found passion for Christ and for life back to NJ. I know that there is nothing that refreshes me and my vision more than serving people out of my element, out of my comfort zone. I want to pour out the wine that has been placed into my wineskin so that new wine can be poured out. I want to share me with people who have real life needs.
As I sit here typing, I know that there are those who will assert that Americans need Jesus. With this I cannot agree more. The problem is that we really don't need anything. The vast majority of Americans are well-fed and live in better conditions than 2/3 of the world, despite what the media is trying to tell us. Trying to present Jesus to this nation is like trying to sell ice cubes to Eskimos. It appears that we have it all, though we are constantly striving for me. We watch Oprah and believe we've had that "God moment" needed because she cried at a worship song. As we supersize our meals and throw the containers on the ground, we have no idea or care about the person in Africa who has neither eaten nor consumed clean water for weeks. As we show up for our Sunday duty at our myriad of churches, unscaathed aside from words from the liberal media, we have no concept that there are Christians in Bangledesh, in Syria who attend church covertly because for them, church attendance is death. There are nations in Europe, the intellectual center of the West, wherein only 10% of the people have truly heard the gospel, where an even smaller percentage of the population have touched a Bible. I've recently read about cultural Christianity which permeates the southern part of the US. I'd like to assert that cultural Christianity is a cancer throughout our nation. It's a badge that we pull out of the closet on Christmas so that we can show off our new dress, on Easter so that we can wear a new hat.
I am an American, and I love this country. I would take a bullet for democracy; I would take a bullet for President Bush. I have been so blessed to grow up in the land of opportunity. I cannot imagine growing up elsewhere. However, I do not believe that this is where I have been called to minister. The more that I try to picture myself here, the less I feel like me and the more I feel like that square peg being pushed into a round hole. I try to picture myself in NJ for the next three years, going to school, working, living life and I see Much Afraid with her crippled leg, limping around the valley being scorned by her family and friends. It is time for me to take my crippled self to the mountains, to have the Shepherd, Wisdom and all of the others teach me to have hinds' feet. I know that people in NJ, in the USA need Jesus more than ever, need to be led to the Saviour rather than to a pantheistic religion. I also know that I am the one who is called to minister here at this time.
So, I find myself, once again turning on a dime, changing direction. It is time that I stop allowing myself to be tossed on the waves like a person without an anchor. I have to focus on what I've been called to do, and I have to step out of what I've not been called to do so that the person who is called to fill that place can step up and be the man or woman of God he or she is called to be. Will people understand? Hopefully. Am I certain that this decision will be accepted? No. My Anchor, however, is the King of kings and the Lord of lords. His name is Jesus. He too had to walk a path that others did not understand. His followers expected Him to overtake the government and for His kingdom to be on earth. My knee jerk reaction to life is to seize the opportunity that I have right in front of me. That is how I was so successful at the bank. I believe that God's plan is different. And now is when I will have to prove that I am willing to look foolish and follow Him, not really knowing where He leads, trusting that He has not only my best interest but the best interest of people that I have grown to love very deeply at heart.
This morning I awoke with the strongest desire I've had in a very long time to go on a missions trip. My church has a mission mentality. We want our people to know that we are living life on a mission, that you don't have to go on a mission trip to have that "aha" moment. I completely support this mindset. I know that living life on a mission purposefully and intentionally is a paradigm shift for most. It certainly has been for me.
That being said, the thought that has been going through my head is, "How can you prepare them for what they will see when you cannot fathom it yourself." I want to take a team of fresh eyes, fresh hearts, fresh minds on a mission trip somewhere new. Perhaps it will be my eyes, mind, heart that will need refreshing, but I believe it will be a group of people who've not been on a trip. I would love the opportunity to take new believers on a trip to serve a community that needs serving, to take them out of their element, to stretch their minds, their paradigms and to bring the new-found passion for Christ and for life back to NJ. I know that there is nothing that refreshes me and my vision more than serving people out of my element, out of my comfort zone. I want to pour out the wine that has been placed into my wineskin so that new wine can be poured out. I want to share me with people who have real life needs.
As I sit here typing, I know that there are those who will assert that Americans need Jesus. With this I cannot agree more. The problem is that we really don't need anything. The vast majority of Americans are well-fed and live in better conditions than 2/3 of the world, despite what the media is trying to tell us. Trying to present Jesus to this nation is like trying to sell ice cubes to Eskimos. It appears that we have it all, though we are constantly striving for me. We watch Oprah and believe we've had that "God moment" needed because she cried at a worship song. As we supersize our meals and throw the containers on the ground, we have no idea or care about the person in Africa who has neither eaten nor consumed clean water for weeks. As we show up for our Sunday duty at our myriad of churches, unscaathed aside from words from the liberal media, we have no concept that there are Christians in Bangledesh, in Syria who attend church covertly because for them, church attendance is death. There are nations in Europe, the intellectual center of the West, wherein only 10% of the people have truly heard the gospel, where an even smaller percentage of the population have touched a Bible. I've recently read about cultural Christianity which permeates the southern part of the US. I'd like to assert that cultural Christianity is a cancer throughout our nation. It's a badge that we pull out of the closet on Christmas so that we can show off our new dress, on Easter so that we can wear a new hat.
I am an American, and I love this country. I would take a bullet for democracy; I would take a bullet for President Bush. I have been so blessed to grow up in the land of opportunity. I cannot imagine growing up elsewhere. However, I do not believe that this is where I have been called to minister. The more that I try to picture myself here, the less I feel like me and the more I feel like that square peg being pushed into a round hole. I try to picture myself in NJ for the next three years, going to school, working, living life and I see Much Afraid with her crippled leg, limping around the valley being scorned by her family and friends. It is time for me to take my crippled self to the mountains, to have the Shepherd, Wisdom and all of the others teach me to have hinds' feet. I know that people in NJ, in the USA need Jesus more than ever, need to be led to the Saviour rather than to a pantheistic religion. I also know that I am the one who is called to minister here at this time.
So, I find myself, once again turning on a dime, changing direction. It is time that I stop allowing myself to be tossed on the waves like a person without an anchor. I have to focus on what I've been called to do, and I have to step out of what I've not been called to do so that the person who is called to fill that place can step up and be the man or woman of God he or she is called to be. Will people understand? Hopefully. Am I certain that this decision will be accepted? No. My Anchor, however, is the King of kings and the Lord of lords. His name is Jesus. He too had to walk a path that others did not understand. His followers expected Him to overtake the government and for His kingdom to be on earth. My knee jerk reaction to life is to seize the opportunity that I have right in front of me. That is how I was so successful at the bank. I believe that God's plan is different. And now is when I will have to prove that I am willing to look foolish and follow Him, not really knowing where He leads, trusting that He has not only my best interest but the best interest of people that I have grown to love very deeply at heart.
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