Terrific Kid

Today my niece Isabella got an award from the Kiwanis Club in Woodbury. (She's the one in the front of the picture.) She was named one of her school's Terrific Kids. The Kiwanis honor two children from each grade who help in the classroom, who do their homework, who add to the overall community of the school. I had the opportunity to attend the ceremony.

I have to admit. When I left the house, I had a bit of an attitude. It's not that I don't love the kids, but one would think that their parents would make an effort to attend these events.

But, I got to thinking. Let's be honest. I don't know if I'm ever going to have kids. I don't know if I'm ever going to get married. (This is not a pity-me post...I'm fine with not getting married and not having kids if that is what God would prefer.) But I have the opportunity to be a part of my niece and nephews' lives on a daily level. What other aunt goes to every little league game, choir and band concert, kindergarten graduation, pre-school plays? Not too many.

As I was walking home, God reminded me of this scripture in Isaiah 54:1.
"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.

Looking at my life, I do have more children than just about anyone who has given birth. It is a privilege to know so many people, and to love them as I do.

So, I am the aunt to three Terrific Kids, even though only one received the official honor this month. And I count myself blessed!

Call to action

This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many...the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

This weekend was also a call to action. Today Pastor Jay preached. He taught on growth...how it is important to mature as individuals, but also as a body. One of his illustrations hit me. Babies are really cute. But, if they don't develop, mature, grow, at a certain point, this indicates that there is a problem...there is a need for medical attention.

There is no medical insurance for stunted spiritual growth. But there is a hospital in which this can be cured. It is called the church, being involved in a community of believers who are growing through their own brokenness, who are experiencing healing spiritually, emotionally, physically. Spiritual growth is not reactive. It is proactive. The Bible exhorts believers to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.

For me, this weekend was a growth weekend. I actually let my guard down in the group of women. I laughed (so much so that the people in the room next door banged on the wall to shut us up.) I cried so hard that my head felt like it was hit with a bat. I got angry. I was real.

I've been hiding behind something...the identity that I've carried with me from my previous church. I didn't realize was the weight of the identity that I was portraying. I was wearing chain mail. This weekend, the chain mail was removed and melted down without me even realizing what was occuring.

This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I found myself much less self-conscious of what I wore. In church, I found myself surrounded by women. And I wasn't freaking out. I was in my element.

Back to the call to action. I have something to say, to add, to contribute. To women, to men, to the church, to the unchurched. I've known this since I was seven years old, preaching to my stuffed animals. Perhaps I've been surpressing this knowledge; perhaps hiding from the message that I have in my spirit. Now that the chain mail has been removed, I need to get the word out.

When the Potter decides that it is time, the word will go forth.

A day in Philadelphia!

Fear is a cancer to the soul. It causes families to separate, rejecting one another before they can be rejected. Fear causes people to live in terrible situations and to remain in abusive work situations.

There is good fear and bad fear. Good fear saves people from being eaten by lions and from being run over by a oncoming bus. Bad fear makes you tremble in front of man. Good fear is reverence of God; bad fear makes a person postpone an interview for fear of rejection.

The past few days have been a micrcosm of hell for me. Our car broke down; I got sick; my father has put pressure on me to find a job and did not speak to me last night because I did not go to my interview because I was sick.

But today...today was a completely different ball game. I had one of the best interviews I've ever had. My interview was supposed to last for 30 minutes. I was in the room for an hour. I was supposed to meet with one man. I met with three. Before I entered the interview, I prayed that God would let me know as soon as I walked in the building whether or not this job was for me. I prayed that He would open the door that was supposed to be open and close the door that should be closed.

For the record, God changed the law of electromagnetic energy during my interview as well. I wore the necklace that Beth gave me for Christmas as well as my long earrings. Even now my earrings are sticking to my necklace. Not once during the interview did the metal attract to the magnets. Cool, eh?

I also made a friend from Poland today. I was sitting in Starbucks writing. I had my Bible out, and this blonde woman asked me to take a picture of her in Starbucks. I smiled and acquiesced her request. She explained to me that she is from Poland, visiting friends in Philadelphia. It turns out that she is studying at Georgetown in Washington, DC. She is doing post-doctoral work, a study of the martyrs. She is Catholic. We talked about everything from the Masons to the state of America to different perceptions of homosexuality in our countries. We exchanged email addresses. If (or when) I visit Poland, I have a place to stay :-) In any case, I have made a new contact in Poland.

Long story short. Chill Pastor was correct. If you do not enjoy every moment of where you are, you will miss out on opportunities to bless other people...and to be blessed.

America runs on Dunkin

America may run on Dunkin Donuts coffee, but my car sure doesn't!

This morning I was so excited to get to church to hear Colleen speak that I left about 30 minutes earlier than I usually do. I figured I'd stop to get some coffee, and be at church early enough to help out with whatever needed to be done and to have the opportunity to pray with her before she spoke. So, I'm driving down the road, I pull into Dunkin Donuts for my coffee. I get my coffee...life is going well...and then I get back into the car. I hear a shrieking sound, and all of a sudden, I can't steer the car. Well, I can, but it's really, really, really difficult.

Car troubles in our house equal anxiety. My father isn't the most mechanical man. So car troubles take our family into insecure land. Not a happy place for us. People react differently to insecurity. My father and I become like cornered animals when we are too insecure. It's not a pretty thing.

So after a few conversations with my father, he came to get me. I had to call Pastor John to tell him that I wouldn't be in church, and he was so calm...and so calming. What can we do for you? Can we pick you up? He prayed.

In the ensuing 20 minutes or so, I praised God. I prayed for Colleen, for our church, for my parents, for myself. God gave me a Psalm. Psalm 34. I don't usually go to the Psalms for comfort, but that is where God usually leads me. By the time my parents arrived at Dunkin Donuts, I was calm. Dad was calm. Mom was calm. All was well with our souls.

Mom drove the car to the shop...'cause she's more of a woman than I. And she made me laugh and know that all was well. She mothered me, and I needed it.
So, now I sit here, blogging as Colleen is speaking. I wanted so desperately to be in church, but God reminded me that there are some things that we have to do on our own. Since God is not surprised that I was not in church, I must then assume that God knew that Colleen needed me not to be in church today. Maybe she needed my prayers from afar more than my presence.

Or maybe I needed my Savior today more than I needed church.

Late night phone calls

Last night I received a text message from a friend. "Havin an amazin but hard god moment. pray 4 me." So I responded, and she called. And we talked for over two hours.

I was on the phone with my friend from Cali. It's really interesting to witness what God is doing in her life. I loathe the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words any longer out of self-pity and a desire to have their ears tickled. But I love the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words but I hear their hearts crying out for the Lord...to heal their hurts, to deliver them from temptation, to give them the strength that is needed to follow Him.

As she was weeping, all I could tell her is that she is right where God wants her. In a small world. In a tough situation. In the crucible. In the middle of the fire.

I wanted to catch a flight to Cali. I actually had a dream that I caught the plane. I wanted to tell her to walk away from the pain, to do something to numb the pain.

But, that would have been a soulish, worldly response. The godly response is to lead her to the foot of the cross, to allow the stripes He endured to heal those deep wounds.

Maybe I am called to do this thing for which God signed me up. It seems to be so.

Favour

Today I had a great meeting with one of my contacts with the Township of Voorhees. For the record, when she retires, I want her job!

I marvel at God and how He has poured out so much favor on this ministry. The township is having a picnic in June, and this woman insisted that we take part, so I told her yes. She is planning a good spot for us--a place where we'll have maximum exposure to the 2500 or so people who will be in attendance. We can put out "some brochures" or whatever we want. Apparently God is making an impact in one of the most affluent, one of the most Jewish townships in Southern NJ. Most townships hide the churches in the back of the picnics, afraid of the cheese that may occur. We're being put in a prominent spot.

The families who received the Christmas presents from us where positively overwhelmed by the generosity of The Sanctuary. I read the notes and attempted not to get too emotional. I never want to do what I do for the smiles of the people. I want to do what I do for the smile of God. God changed the lives of a few people who not in good circumstances right now. For His birthday. That must have made Him smile. I know I love to give presents and watch people open them. Imagine the look on God's face when He watched the parents smile as their children opened presents on Christmas. That is what makes me want to cry tears of joy.

The moral of the story is this. Today, I consciously focused my attention on God and what He wants. Yesterday I was a bundle of nerves focusing on me. Today, I was blessed by God as He showed me what an impact we can have on His people. I hope and pray that tomorrow I wake up and think first of Him.

Snapper soup

There are times when I am ultra-sensitive, and then there are times when I am ulra-dense. One of my best friends shared something with me, and I thought, "Ok."

I guess that I still think that I, and all of my close friends, are immortal. A regular band of superheroes. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, it occured to me that we are not.

And then I went into turtle mode. You know. A strong exterior, but my insides were snapper soup.

Last night, I prayed from the depths of my soul for my friend. Deep gut prayers that only God could possibly understand. I know a few things. I know that by His stripes, she is healed. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I know that with the faith of a fennel, I mean mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

I know that there are only two things that I can do for her right now. I know that I can pray for her, because God hears my prayers. And I know that I can be a friend to her...learn how to be the friend that she needs me to be right now, for such a time as this.

Heart on sleeve

Yesterday was one of the most emotional days I've had in a long time. Seeing so many people who walked out of captivity made me so happy that all I could do was cry.

I noticed something. When you are in a place of freedom--freedome to be the person that God has created you to be, there is a greater capacity for love. Or--and this is probably correct as well--the healing that has occured has given me a greater ability to love.

You see, before this healing occured, as I was striving for perfection and to fit into some rapidly changing mould, people in general annoyed me. I mean really annoyed me. The people who really weren't trying--in my mind--drove me bonkers. I was so isolated in group think that I didn't see other people struggling. I didn't see others' pain because mine was so intense that I was completely blinded.

But now. Now. Glorious now. I see people, and I love them so much that it hurts. It makes me cry. Cry through smiles. Cry through hugs. Cry out of the pure joy that is welling up in my heart.

Christmas presents

Either I'm verbose, or the rest of you are just quiet.

That being said....

Today was very interesting. I was preparing my presentation (as on a table, not to the congregation) for our gift giving to the township. All of a sudden it hit me that there are people who will not have the money for Christmas. And we have the privelege of allowing families to have Christmas. God is so awesome.

In the past, I was part of Christmas in Camden. We got all dressed up in our Christmas sweaters and Santa hats and walked throughout the blocks in North Camden that we'd adopted, and we gave away presents to the kids and food to the adults. I absolutely loved every minute of those frigid days. I enjoyed wrapping the presents beforehand. I love to give, so that part of me was fulfilled.

What we are doing now is a bit more meaningful for me...for where I am now and for where I'm going. We are giving anonymously, and we are giving the families the autonomy to buy what they would like their children to have. We are giving them the power to choose whatever Christmas dinner means to them.

I've heard the saying over and over: give someone a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach someone to fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life. I know that technically we're giving away fish. But, we're allowing these families to have dignity as well. Besides...is that whole fish thing in the Bible anyway? I can't seem to recall seeing it. If I'm wrong, I'm sure someone will let me know.

I'm not insulting what other people are doing. I just know that I would be mortified if someone showed up on my doorstep with a box of food and some gifts for my kids, no matter how desperately I needed the food.

Isn't it interesting how God works in different ways in different places, yet somehow meets the same needs? If you feed the poor...If you give clothing to the naked...If you give water to the thirsty...

Job interview

Today I learned a valuable lesson. God loves me more than I give Him credit for.

I had a job interview today, and as much as I hate to admit it, I had an attitude...and not a good one. I was having a pity party of one. But, I put on my big girl clothes and went on the interview. As it turns out, the position was filled. I was really happy. Teaching science to middle school kids is a tricky thing. You have to be passionate about science, patient, and have a real sense of humor about the whole thing. As much as I love science, I would have been in way over my head. I don't like to do things that I know I am utterly unqualified to do.

Even as I wrote that, I started laughing. I am utterly unqualified to do most of what I am doing right now. Somehow, God keeps blessing the work of my hands, and the endeavors are successful.

Back to the work front. In September this school is opening up a computer lab, and they will need a teacher to run the lab: create curriculum for the kids, teach it, pick out the programs to teach the kids. Here's the kicker. The principal is interested in talking to me about the job. I think that is something that I could do.

God's given me a gift to start things, get them up and running and pass the baton onto the next person. Even better, I would be able to participate in the state of NJ's alternative route to teaching wherein I would be mentored for two years by the school, continue my education to get my MA in Education, and become fully qualified to teach anywhere.

Is this something that will be of interest in a few months? I don't know. But...it is nice to see that there are doors that can potentially open if the correct situation arises. In short, it is really morale boosting to see that there is someone who looks at me and my resume and sees potential, not drifter.

007

There are very few prophetic words that I hold near and dear to my heart. I generally test a prophetic word given to me from someone else in this way: if I remember it by the time I journal about the experience, it's good. If not, then it's not. I'm sure that there is a more Biblical way to approach prophesy, but that is the way that I handle it.

A few years ago, my mother dragged me to a production that her church was having. When I say dragged, I mean it nearly literally. A woman from South Africa was doing some sort of dance and she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. If you know me, you know that this isn't exactly my cup of tea...especially after that incident in England that involved a flag and my head. My head is not, I repeat NOT a baseball.

So, I went begrudgingly. The dance was very...expressive. It was designed to encourage us to be more expressive, and to attempt to hear God in pictures or something like that. I kind of rolled my eyes and sighed.

But then God gave me a vision. I was on a globe, and I was jumping from continent to continent with my passport in my hand. The woman encouraged anyone who had a vision to come to the front because she believed that God wanted to interpret the visions for us.

Again, I rolled my eyes, but I went to the front. I told her what I had seen and what she said, what God spoke through her has stuck with me as a touchstone ever since. She told me that God was going to move me around, that I was going to travel all over the world. But, I was not obviously a Christian, so God was going to use me as a covert operative. I would be able to get into places that noone else would be able to enter because it would never be suspected that I am a follower of Christ. She said that I would be like 007.

Like I said, this has stuck with me. Rarely will you find me without my passport. I believe this...I believe that God spoke this because it was seared so deeply into my spirit. I don't think that He'll randomly lead me to the airport and place me on a plane without at least a few days notice. But my passport reminds me of who God has said that I am, and it reminds me of the promises that He's made to me.

A month or two ago, I sat down and spoke with Pastor John and Beth. It was my intention to talk about school, but we wound up talking about outreach, which is certainly something about which I am passionate. I was given the title of "ministry liaison." What that means, nobody really knows. But through this position, I've seen that prophesy that was seared into my heart so long ago begin to come to pass. I deliver doughnuts to township officials and noone bats an eye. I take food to the police department and the deputy chief is *almost* brought to tears. Being an English major in remission, I looked up the word "liaison." It was taken from dictionary.com for all of those who are just waiting for me to plagiarize so they can turn me into the feds. :-)

Liaison
1. the contact or connection maintained by communications between units of the armed forces or of any other organization in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.
2. a person who initiates and maintains such a contact or connection.

It's funny. That is what I do. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but there it is. In black and white.

I love what I do. I love what God has called me to do. I love what Pastor John and Beth have given me the freedom to do.

I am sensing that God has something else that He is asking me to do. Step up to the plate and see what happens.

But...I'm still scared. That seems to be the theme of my week.

Thanksgiving wrap-up

Well, the dishes are clean. The family is tucked away safely in bed. Relatives are on their way home. The Cowboys kicked some butt. All in all, today was a successful Thanksgiving. It certainly did not feel like Thanksgiving, except for the feeling that my stomach gets when I've eaten "just a little taste" of everything.

This morning, a nerve was touched that runs so deeply that I got angry. My niece got all dressed up to go shopping with my father. He was so focused on getting to the store that he saw how her pretty dress would make it difficult for her to get into the truck rather than how pretty she looked in the dress. When I was a kid, all I wanted was for him to tell me how pretty I am. Instead, I got encouraged to go outside and "get some fresh air" or to get up at 0645 to play tennis. It's not that I think that my father doesn't love me. I know he does.

So, this morning, I got really upset with my father. I had flashes of everytime I wanted someone to tell me that I'm lovely and I was left wonting. So, I had a choice. I could remain in my anger, or I could recognize that this nerve had been touched so that God could heal it. I wish I could say my knee jerk reaction was to run to His arms and ask Him for healing. It wasn't. It took a few minutes. When I did run to my Father's arms, He reminded me of His word. My King finds me enthralling, beautiful, lovely. My Father smiles when He thinks of me, He sings over me with dancing, He chuckles at my humor. My Father, the Lover of my soul, finds me enthralling. It is in that security that I rest. Not in the opinion of man. In the opinion of the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

So, added to my list of things for which to be thankful is this. Emotional growth.

Thanksgiving doughnuts

Just wanted to thank everyone who participated in our gift card collection. You have made a great impression on the township of Voorhees, and you have provided families with food for Thanksgiving who wouldn't have had enough for a good dinner. I can't say it enough. I love my church!

I took the gift cards and doughnuts to the township. The people in the township are amazed by our genorosity. We've developed a bad reputation. We're known as the church that does, not the church that talks. We're getting some free advertisement as well. We're going to be listed in the township calendar as a house of worship. It's amazing how many opportunities open with a few doughnuts and a lot of God's favor.

So, good work my friends and family. I can't wait to see what God will do for Christmas!

God is a bit of a punk at the moment

I've said it many times. God works in mysterious ways. Right now, I don't think He's all that mysterious. I think He's a bit of a punk. Perhaps I'm a bit irreverant. Right now I'm sitting here, shaking my head, wondering. Just wondering. Perhaps you want to know what I'm talking about.

Last night, my mom and I had a rather long discussion about my cousin. Long story short about my cousin. She apparently attempted suicide last October (2005) and she wound up living in our house. Havoc was created for the next 7 months. She was sent back to live with her parents in May of this year.

Fast forward to last night. Mom and I were discussing her and the havoc that she caused in our house. This havoc was caused because boundaries were not set for her and because she was not in counselling while living in the house. My mom sees everyone through rose-colored glasses. I'm not so trusting. I don't give my trust easily, and once you lose my trust, I'm very, VERY slow to give it back, if I ever do. My mom told me that I'm mean and that I'm too hard on her. You see, when she's acting bad, I tell her to straighten up her act. I tell her what she needs to hear but doesn't want to hear.

Fast forward to today. My cousin got a new phone. She called me. Not my mom. Me. We talked for over three hours. And she's going to church tomorrow. In Pennsylvania near where she lives. I sincerely hope that she actually goes. Here's hoping.

So...here's why God is a punk. I've asked Him to walk through the chambers of my heart, find what needs to be cleaned and do what needs to be done. Last night I was discussing my frustrations concerning my cousin with my mother. Today my cousin called. God has dealt with my heart issue. Please understand. I'm not going to trust her just yet. But I'm willing to walk with her through the stuff she's dealing with, and I will lead her to the only place she can find true healing. AT the foot of the cross.

Did I mention that when she lived here, before I moved to MA, mom and I led her in the prayer of salvation? You see...God's Word NEVER RETURNS VOID!!!!!!

We're all terminal

I don't know what God is trying to teach me, but I probably should learn it soon or I'll be completely alone on earth with only roaches as my companions.

OK--a little dramatic, a little over-the-top.

I receieved a call from my Aunt Michelle today. Her husband's Aunt Helen died this morning. She wasn't sick. The other night she decided to take a bath instead of a shower. She couldn't get out of the tub, so she stayed in all night. When she finally got out of the tub, she ended up in her kitchen, unable to get up. Long story short, they got her to the hospital. It was looking good until this morning when she went into renal failure. She died at 7:30 in the morning.

There were some funny moments in the story, though. The hospital thought she had a stroke because they were talking to her and she was not responding. See, she was deaf in her right ear. Once they talked to her on her left side, she responded. (I didn't know she was deaf for a while and would talk to her. She'd smile and nod. I couldn't remember who was deaf and who was blind on that street.) Last night, when my uncle went to see her, she yelled at him, telling him that he should be at home with his wife and mother instead of in a hospital with an old woman. She also told him to turn down her thermostat since she wasn't home. (He's the caretaker of all of the elderly on his street. My aunt jokingly calls the street his harem.) These anecdotes are probably more humorous to me since I knew her and the situations.

Maybe I'm learning to deal with death. Maybe I'm learning to maintain joy when I want to sob. Maybe I'm just learning that in life there are births and deaths, both of which are the natural ebb and flow of being a human being. Maybe I'm learning that, as Craig Fassler said on Sunday, "We're all terminal." It's time to make the most of every moment at hand, because we're not guaranteed tomorrow.

Paradigm shift

Sitting at the computer today, trying to write an essay for my application to seminary, I felt like a fraud. How do I know? Am I insane? What am I doing? Can I do this? Will it work this time? Blah, blah, blah. So, I plug in the mp3 player and go back to basics...songs that remind me of who God says I am rather than who I say I am or who others say I am. Then I pick up my Bible and look for a specific passage. Instead, I find Isaiah (pronounced in a British accent, of course) 55:5, 8-13.

5 Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

Suddenly, I'm not a fraud. I'm simply who God has called me to be, and I'm walking forward to accomplish the word that the Lord has spoken over my life. Who am I to question what He has asked me to do? Yes, it may seem crazy. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. But, looking back, what have I done, what have I walked through for God, with God, that actually makes sense? Nothing that I can see with my eyes.

So, yeah. Here I sit, on the precipice of something magnificent, something of which I've dreamed sporadically, constantly for over a decade, perhaps three decades. I'm walking forward, jumping with no parachute. I'm depending on God to accomplish the word. After all, He is the One who said that His word will not return empty.

And I really do need some more stamps on my passport. My England stamps are kind of lonely.

It's amazing

I love the opportunity to encourage people. It's amazing how God encourages me through the words meant to encourage others.

It's amazing how worshipping makes God bigger and me smaller. I love that.

Giggle moment

I know that God takes us from glory to glory. I know that God can do ALL things. I know that God is the Creator of the heavens and the earth. I completely believe that God is omnipotent. Yet, when God shows me these qualities, I almost always have a Sarah moment. You know the moment. God tells Abraham that he will be the father of many nations. And Sarai laughs because she's just a few decades beyond child-bearing age. And then she finds herself pregnant with Isaac.

Here's my Sarah moment for the day. Tomorrow we are going to be giving out cookies at Halloween in the Park in Lion's Lake Park in Voorhees. It's an amazing opportunity to reach more people than we can even imagine. So, my mom and I met Pastor John and Matthew in the store today to pick up the 1200 cookies we are going to be giving out. Mom and I were there a bit early, so we picked up the cookies after chatting with the bakery ladies for a bit. Then we went off to find some baggies, and in that aisle, we talked with a Genuardi's worker. We met up with Pastor John and Matthew and walked to the checkout. Many jokes were shared about our large number of cookies as the checkout gal scanned our items. I gave her my Genuardi's card, and we got the total. I was quoted a price of $3.99 per 24 cookies, which would have come to about $250 dollars. We also purchased 4 boxes of baggies at $4.99 per box. We were expecting a total of in the ballpark of $300. Instead, our total came to the astonishing price of $29.42. Yes, you read it right. I did not mess up the decimals. On the receipt, it shows that we saved $236.00. God is freaking amazing.

Even though I was standing there when we saw the total, I cannot stop giggling increduously everytime I think about it.

God is awesome. Never doubt it.