Heart issues

Today I've been wrestling out some pretty deep heart issues. There are things that I've been carrying around for a long time. Yesterday I read an article that triggered some stuff that runs deep.

Some desires seems inconsistent with other desires. Some issues I thought weren't "important" it turns out are of the utmost importance. Some things that I thought were important are just blips on a screen.

What am I saying? Paradigms are shifting. Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, and to fear God properly, I've had to learn what faith is. I suppose that there has been a crisis of faith going on within me for the past few days. Noone I know has a terminal disease. Noone I know has died suddenly. I believe more today than I did yesterday that God is God, that He is sovereign, omnipotent, omnipresent. The crisis of which I speak has involved me wrestling out my desires, trying to make heads or tails of them. The resolution to which I've come is this: I can't figure it out. I'm not God. And I have to be okay with that.

Am I? *chuckles* Being a control freak who wants everything planned out to the milisecond, not so much. Am I willing to learn to be okay with that? Yes.

Lessons learned inside the belly of a fish

I'll be upfront and honest with you. I generally avoid the book of Jonah like the plague.

Until today, I only saw Jonah as a rebellious man. God calls him. He runs away. He gets thrown off a boat. Swallowed by a fish. Vomited out of the fish's mouth. Resentfully proclaims the word of the Lord. City gets saved. Jonah remains in a bad mood. The end.

Today, as I was researching faith in the Bible, I went to the book of Jonah. I know, I know. Hebrews 11. Hall of faith. Most of the New Testament. Faith. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Faith. Jonah is about the last person that I consider when I consider a teaching on faith.

Stick with me for a moment. (Or, if you are already ahead of me, chill for a moment and let me catch up.) Jonah is a Hebrew. He is secure in who God is, and who his people are in God...they are God's chosen people. The people in Nineveh are Assyrians...a bad group of people. For fun, when they conquer a land, they skin people alive; they boil people in oil; they kill babies and kids in the most cruel, inhumane ways possible.

So, God tells Jonah, "You know the most evil, heinous people on the face of the earth? Go to them and proclaim the Good news." Jonah becomes infuriated and heads in the opposite direction, to Tarshish. I would have too. God's love for the Assyrians is so great that He causes a storm, gets Jonah thrown overboard, swallowed by a big fish and vomited onto the shore. Of Nineveh. God uses Jonah's mouth, despite his bitterness, to save a city.

You see, I don't think that Jonah's main problem is his bitterness or his rebellion. I think that his problem is that he knows that God is going to move. Jonah has seen God move, and knows God's compassion and love and grace. And God knows that Jonah knows that He will move.

Put yourself in Jonah's place. God has called you to a place where you know that He wants to move. But you are afraid of the people; they have repeatedly tortured you and your people throughout the years. They are building a nuclear bomb that they would like to use to level your cities, to bring destruction to your land. Now, imagine God asking you to leave your land to go to their land to proclaim the Good News. Would you be willing?

How about this scenario. Think of a person who has hurt you deeply. Or a group of people who have hurt you deeply. A group of people who absolutely terrify you. Think of them, their friends, their relatives, sitting at a table in your local Starbucks. These people do not know God, but you know that He wants to speak words of healing and reconciliation with Him into their lives. Do you walk up with your skim caramel macchiato and tell them of the wonders of God? Or do you hop in your SUV and hope for the best for them?

So, today I learned some valuable heart lessons inside the belly of a whale. Some faith lessons. I believe that some of us, myself included, know that God wants to move...I'm talking about people who know God, know His grace, know His love and compassion for His people. The problem with God is that He wants to move in people we don't like, who don't fit our agenda. So, we pack our bags, hop in our ship, and "pray" for those people.

Are you going to be a Jonah a serve God begrudgingly? Or are you going to serve the Lord with gladness and allow Him to move in others' lives and therefore move in your life?

Call to action

This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many...the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

This weekend was also a call to action. Today Pastor Jay preached. He taught on growth...how it is important to mature as individuals, but also as a body. One of his illustrations hit me. Babies are really cute. But, if they don't develop, mature, grow, at a certain point, this indicates that there is a problem...there is a need for medical attention.

There is no medical insurance for stunted spiritual growth. But there is a hospital in which this can be cured. It is called the church, being involved in a community of believers who are growing through their own brokenness, who are experiencing healing spiritually, emotionally, physically. Spiritual growth is not reactive. It is proactive. The Bible exhorts believers to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.

For me, this weekend was a growth weekend. I actually let my guard down in the group of women. I laughed (so much so that the people in the room next door banged on the wall to shut us up.) I cried so hard that my head felt like it was hit with a bat. I got angry. I was real.

I've been hiding behind something...the identity that I've carried with me from my previous church. I didn't realize was the weight of the identity that I was portraying. I was wearing chain mail. This weekend, the chain mail was removed and melted down without me even realizing what was occuring.

This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I found myself much less self-conscious of what I wore. In church, I found myself surrounded by women. And I wasn't freaking out. I was in my element.

Back to the call to action. I have something to say, to add, to contribute. To women, to men, to the church, to the unchurched. I've known this since I was seven years old, preaching to my stuffed animals. Perhaps I've been surpressing this knowledge; perhaps hiding from the message that I have in my spirit. Now that the chain mail has been removed, I need to get the word out.

When the Potter decides that it is time, the word will go forth.

A day in Philadelphia!

Fear is a cancer to the soul. It causes families to separate, rejecting one another before they can be rejected. Fear causes people to live in terrible situations and to remain in abusive work situations.

There is good fear and bad fear. Good fear saves people from being eaten by lions and from being run over by a oncoming bus. Bad fear makes you tremble in front of man. Good fear is reverence of God; bad fear makes a person postpone an interview for fear of rejection.

The past few days have been a micrcosm of hell for me. Our car broke down; I got sick; my father has put pressure on me to find a job and did not speak to me last night because I did not go to my interview because I was sick.

But today...today was a completely different ball game. I had one of the best interviews I've ever had. My interview was supposed to last for 30 minutes. I was in the room for an hour. I was supposed to meet with one man. I met with three. Before I entered the interview, I prayed that God would let me know as soon as I walked in the building whether or not this job was for me. I prayed that He would open the door that was supposed to be open and close the door that should be closed.

For the record, God changed the law of electromagnetic energy during my interview as well. I wore the necklace that Beth gave me for Christmas as well as my long earrings. Even now my earrings are sticking to my necklace. Not once during the interview did the metal attract to the magnets. Cool, eh?

I also made a friend from Poland today. I was sitting in Starbucks writing. I had my Bible out, and this blonde woman asked me to take a picture of her in Starbucks. I smiled and acquiesced her request. She explained to me that she is from Poland, visiting friends in Philadelphia. It turns out that she is studying at Georgetown in Washington, DC. She is doing post-doctoral work, a study of the martyrs. She is Catholic. We talked about everything from the Masons to the state of America to different perceptions of homosexuality in our countries. We exchanged email addresses. If (or when) I visit Poland, I have a place to stay :-) In any case, I have made a new contact in Poland.

Long story short. Chill Pastor was correct. If you do not enjoy every moment of where you are, you will miss out on opportunities to bless other people...and to be blessed.

What a day

It's rare to find me, of all people, at a loss for words. I've been trying to surrender my fear for days now. I was able to keep it below the surface for the past few days, but today...not so much.

The rites of passage for women, for adults have changed so greatly over the past few decades. I remember in the late 80's, the rite of passage was the dreaded HIV test. Today, for women, it is the unexpected lump.

Today as I sat in the mammography suite, laughing at the soap opera featuring a transvestite attempting to woo a lesbian, I found myself confused, angry, and feeling sorry for the women who came and left by themselves. The lady who was waiting next to me struck me the hardest because her fear was palpable. I do not know her, and probably will never see her again, but her face will stick with me for a long time.

I've never had really good, tried and true friends. It's only in the past few years that I've actually learned what a friend is, and how to be a friend. (I'm still learning the how part, FYI.) So today while I was waiting for my friend to have her test, I couldn't help but question God. I know that He's sovereign. I know that He has her best interest at heart. I know that whatever this thing is will, in the long run, glorify Him. But the thought of my friend going through this thing, that breaks my heart. And it scares the snot out of me.

I suppose it appears that I'm not at a loss for words. The only way to aptly express what I'm experiencing right now is a guttural groan that is loud and deep.

Search my heart oh God

Sunday in church, Pastor John talked about the hard work, heart work that God is going to do in 2007. I know that my heart needs work...man do I know that.

This morning, I had a run-in with my heart. I'm a chronic people-pleaser. I always have a "valid" reason for wanting to please people. But, considering my choice of vocation, or rather the vocation that has been chosen for me, I have to stop this cycle. I have to let my yes be yes and my no be no. Even if it causes hurt feelings. Even if it makes me or the person receiving the answer they do not desire to be uncomfortable.

I have a discerning spirit. I know when I am supposed to say yes, and when I am supposed to say no. Now, I have to utilize the gift that God has given me.

And now I have the opportunity to have a tough conversation with a friend. I like to think of this as an opportunity for growth.