Weekend recap

For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed the women's retreat. Our speaker blew my mind. What she said, though it touched me, didn't rock my world. Instead, it confirmed in me so many things that God has spoken into my life recently. And that is a cool thing.

God did a work knitting my heart to some of the women in the church this weekend. I've wanted, for so long, to find some women with whom I can relate and bond. I want those women who are older than I who can impart something into my life...and with whom I can have relationship. And I believe that I have found them.

I didn't sleep all that much...ok, pretty much not at all. When I finally fell asleep, police cars...three of them to be exact...went roaring down the boardwalk, hotels blaring, right outside our balcony. Our hotel was at the end of the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ, where the boardwalk is not that wide. It probably doesn't help that the doors to our balcony were open, but still. It scared the snot out of me.

I can't describe at length what God did in me. I believe that I will learn what He did as I live out the life that He has shown me will be. I am going to enjoy the fire moments, the dark room moments, the moments of laughter that makes my head hurt and my side cramp. In short, I am really learning to enjoy the daily living out of life.

Yes, I had my moments. I am fighting the whole Martha thing...and it is something that I will fight for a long time. There is a time to serve and a time to receive. I generally err on the side of doing too much, and when I do, I get snippy. I lose the blessing involved, and other people get snipped.

But, you know what? I'm learning. I'm learning to be vulnerable. I'm learning to be more teachable. And more than anything, I'm enjoying getting to know my Saviour through the amazing women (and men) that He has brought into my life.

But for now: it's sleepy time.

Oh when the Saints, go marching in

Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in....oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I'm concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He's my new hero...seriously.

At least, after tomorrow, I won't have to hear about the Eagles for a couple of months...HALLELUJAH.

So, today I went to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia...and it's pretty bad. She loves God with her whole heart and her whole being, but she is one of those people that confound me. I fully, 100% believe that God is a God who heals. But I also believe that He's given man wisdom. So, when I have bronchitis, or anything else for that matter, I believe that He will heal me...whether it is miraculous or via medicine.

Back to my friend. She's in the hospital because she's allowed herself to get so run down that one of her lungs was completely overtaken with pneumonia. Now she can hold a conversation for only a few minutes without shortness of breath. She has a few other issues going on as well. She's been believing that God would heal her. It landed her in the hospital. Yes, we have to have faith. But shall we exercise faith without the wisdom that God has given us? Is that not foolishness?

The bad news is that she's going to be in the hospital for at least the next few days...and will likely end up back in the hospital if she doesn't take care of herself. The good news is that I've lost my fear of hospitals this week. Two visits to the hospital, a potential third tomorrow, and I'm not breaking out in a cold sweat.

The best news: NO MORE EAGLES IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO MORE E-A-G-L-E-S CHANTS.

Completely random thoughts strung together...

I wonder if next week at this time I will see fit to be awake and on the frigid beach praying. With an attitude like that, I'm going to make sure that I'm snuggled in my down coat, even if it's snowing on the beach. Especially if it's snowing on the beach.

Last night I learned of another friend that found a lump. I immediately invited her to church on Sunday because Colleen is preaching...and I know that words of healing will flow. In God conquering her encounter with what could have been cancer, my fear of cancer was eradicated. Now, when I hear what was once a four letter word in my mind, I see victory. Technically lump is a four letter word, but I was referring to cancer.

I cannot shut my mind down. I'm really excited about tomorrow. It is amazing how far God has brought my friend. Two years ago, she was in the lowest place possible. God scooped her up and reminded her of who He says she is. Two weeks ago, she had a scare. We all had a scare. And now tomorrow, she has the opportunity to proclaim the goodness of God. At dinner last night, all I could do was smile. She referred to me as the Chesire Cat, or the cat that ate the canary. Now, this morning, I am completely and utterly humbled. How great is our God?!

Of course, I'm also excited at the prospect of an entire weekend of football. And I think that I'm going to be a pastor one day. Can you imagine? Services throughout football season ensuring that all congregants can get to a tv in time to see the game of their choice? I'd be an awesome pastor! :-)

And on that note, I shall end. Before my pastor doesn't send out my recommendation.

I crack myself up. Or maybe it's exhaustion.

What happens in women's ministry.....

Stays in women's ministry. Unless you have a blogger in the crowd. Muahahaha....(that is supposed to translate into the laugh of a mad scientist...or a witch...)

Tonight I went to a meeting for our first annual Real Life Women's Retreat. I went in apprehensively. I know that we have some amazing women in my church, but that doesn't make it easier to consider spending an entire weekend together. In a small hotel. Without the autonomy of one's own car. When your greatest fear is a group of women in a small space.

So, tonight as we were discussing the food that will be served at the reception, I learned a lot of useful information. About the wonders of menopause. Hot flashes. Snoring. A myriad of things that make me want to invent anti-aging serum. I literally plugged my ears at one point. I almost started humming.

You see, I was inducted into some women's Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight. If I tell of the specifics of the things I learned, I may become shark food sometime between Jan. 19 and the 20th.

Over the past few weeks, I've wanted to get to know some of the women in church. So, I am looking forward to having the opportunity to develop those relationships. I am willing to begin to let my guard down so that people get to know me.

So, I am going to the retreat. Cautiously optimistic. But I am going.

Anxiety vs. Truth

This morning I woke up anxious. Anxious because I'm not in Hammonton, working at my friend's salon. Anxious because I'm still not feeling 100%, heck even 75% better from this cold. Anxious because I need to find a job. Anxious because I've taken the first step toward seminary and now the "reality" of it is setting in.

So, I open up my gmail box, and this is what I find.

So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. Hebrews 10:23. (Amplified Bible)

Apparently God was not surprised because I woke up anxious. He has things under control. My problem right now is that I don't. But, like I said, that is my problem. Not God's. Mine.

My responsibility? That is another thing. My responsibility is found in Matthew 6:33-34.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble. (Amplified Bible)

So, God has everything under control. My job is to recognize this, walk in this, and live this out. Interesting concept for a control freak. But, I have to also remember what Jesus said in John 15:16:

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], He may give it to you. (Amplified Bible)

You see, I didn't choose this life. Yes, I'm choosing to walk out the dreams that God has for my life. I'm choosing to walk this thing out in faith. But it is Jesus who has called me. And where He gives the vision, He gives the provision.

I do believe that, for the first time in a while, I'm scared senseless. And I couldn't be more full of joy.

Nevermind my churning stomach. :-)

New plan of attack

I've come up with a plan for survival today. I'm going to look at the women with whom I work as if they were on the Island of Misfit Toys ala Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I work with a bunch of Charlie in the Boxes. They all have character and personality, but they are broken people. Just like me.

I have to remember that different personalities compensate in different ways for their brokenness. I also have to remember that, in the creative world, there is a lot of ego and pride.

And I have to remember that it is ok for me not to be good at everything. I can't do everything. There are some things I can't do. And it's ok. This mini-therapy session brought to you, for free, by the struggle for perfection that occurs constantly in my head.

Blessed, broken and given. That is my life in a nutshell. Thanks for the reminder :-)

Lessons learned by the Grinch

Well, tonight was my first Sanctuary Christmas party. I learned a few valuable lessons that will not leave my memory for a long time, and I have some thoughts about life in general that I think it's time to divulge.

First of all, I learned not to have a bad attitude about games. If you do, you will be labeled The Grinch. Literally. You'll have to wear the tag on your back and then on your arm. For the whole night.

Secondly, I learned that calories cannot and must not be considered real on the night of a gathering of the people of The Sanctuary. I thought that I did pretty well with my eating tonight. However, I am avoiding sharp objects at all costs because I'm afraid that if I come into contact with a sharp object that I may pop.

I think that the person who invented the chocolate fountain is evil incarnate. Who can resist flowing chocolate? If you are one of the ten people in the world who don't like chocolate, shame on you :-) Seriously, though. If you add together the flowing chocolate and the handmade marshmallows, you have a PMS dream come true. (Sorry gentlemen. But...yeah...it's true.)

Seriously. I've been to some church functions involving food. But I've never been to a function where the people brought so much food that two trays of food were thrown in the trash. Usually people bring a bit of this and that. But at The Sanctuary, we all bring enough food to feed the entire clan. Oh yeah. Did I mention that all of the food was out of this world??? Usually I find something about which I can complain, because I am a food snob. Not tonight.

I was so apprehenisve about going to the party. I always have anxiety about being in groups of people. I love people, but I'm not good at small talk and mingling. I'm just not a good mingler. But tonight was awesome. God has placed me in such a great group of people. Quirky, funny, caring, generous, compassionate.

I thank God for The Sanctuary. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a million more times. It is what I always thought church could be, but never thought it would be.

Challenges and lions

I'm being challenged. Again. To write. Again. Not just copious blogging, but actually getting out a pen and paper (so old-fashioned, I know) and write. I don't know what I will be writing. I don't know what it is that I have to offer aside from an offbeat sense of humor and my observations on life. So, I will begin that journey. I actually have a cool journal that will probably take the brunt of my writing. We will either be best friends or bitter enemies.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a while. I bounced between crying and being frustrated and asking the wrong questions. Right now I'm in the gap between my past and my future. I'm paying for past mistakes, and yesterday I allowed my present circumstances to dictate my perception of my future. Which is just silly. All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I fit into that category.) God will never leave me nor forsake me. God is restoring what the locusts have stolen--even if I left the door open for those things to be eaten.

Today's challenge is to remind myself of the Truth when the lies rear their ugly head. You know, I'd like to see Aslan take on the devil. I have a sneaking suspicion which lion would win :-)

Purity

Throughout high school, people had a certain perception of me.

I didn't date until my senior year.

One of the fellows I dated was my friend, but a friend of ours convinced him that we should date. He tried to kiss me after homecoming and I...well...ducked my head and ran into the house, leaving him standing on my front step, speechless. That was, by far, my shining moment. Poor, poor guy.

Because I didn't date as much as my peers, people conceived the idea that I was...well...very pure. I was. That perception has followed me to this day.

That is a very difficult badge to wear.

You see, the fact of the matter is that there are mornings when I wake up alone and wonder, "Why? Why me Lord? Why is it taking so long?" My friends joke about why I'm single. We have a theory. The man who is man enough to marry me must be out wrestling lions and single-handedly fighting off tribes of cannibals. Poor guy. That will seem like nothing once he's married to me! :-)

It is not easy being sexually pure in this society. In case you live under a rock, sex is used as a marketing tool to sell anything and everything under the sun...cars, diapers, feminine products.

I decided when I was a young child that I wanted to wait until marriage to sleep with a man. I remember sitting on my wool, green carpet dedicating myself, body, mind and spirit to God. I remember promising God that I would wait to be married before I gave my body to anyone.

I remember crying the first time I broke that promise. I remember feeling my spirit die bit by bit everytime I broke that promise.

But, I also remember the moment that I decided enough is enough. I remember giving myself, body, mind and spirit to God once more. I remember Him washing me white as snow of the sins that I had commited. I remember how free I felt when I finally confessed to the One I love, and I choose not to abandon that freedom for a few minutes of gratification.

Chewing on this subject now, I realize that people see me as God sees me. I've taken offense to this so often. From this point forward, I will smile and look toward heaven whenever someone makes a comment.

As a brief addendum...please note that being alone does not equate to loneliness. I may not be married at the moment, but I am not lonely. I am enjoying this season on aloneness. I am learning that the holes in my life cannot be filled by people. They must be filled by the One who has called me into the season of aloneness.

And let me tell you...He is more than enough.

Closure

Something is breaking loose. I can't explain it naturally or logically. I sense it; I see it; I smell it; I feel it. I sound so televangelist as I write these things, but it's true.

Since I've returned to NJ, I've seen so many doors. Doors with the potential of opening. Before I left, I could only see brick walls. Like the girl in Labyrinth, I did not see the openings in the walls.

For a few weeks prior to my homecoming in June, and for a month and a half after, I sent out over 100 resumes. Literally. With the avalanche of rejection, I gave up. I decided that to work with Beverly at her salon and that would be it.

Returning home from New England, I decided that it was time to put myself out there again, in the job market, that is. Apathy is not my friend. So, I sent out a bunch of resumes, a few of which really peaked my interest.

So far, I've set up two definite interviews. One is for a job that I would love. The other is for a job that it way too far. I'm going to interview with them so I can tell myself that I once interviewed for a professional sports team. I'm a goober and I love that about me.

The common thread that I've noticed is closure. I officially closed the door in MA. That season of my life is put to rest.

I'm back to the point where I can pray for The River. I don't know if I will ever be able to dissociate myself from the abuses that are occuring--both seen and unseen--but I know that I am able, only through God's strength, to pray.

Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I don't want to wound anyone in the crossfire. I want to storm the gates of hell and watch the devil squirm like the worm he is.

Massachusetts

This morning I awoke, filled with anxiety about my trip. When I dug just a little deeper, I realized that today I am going back to the place where one of my biggest dreams...failed.

The stuff that I am going to reclaim today is much more than luggage, clothing, shoes, books and calendars. They are the pieces of something that I thought was going to long-term. I truly, in the deepest part of my being, believed that I was being sent to New England to effect change throughout the region. I thought that I would make a life up there, find a church and be in the place that I love.

I knew that it was not going to be easy. I knew that New England is a really rough place, especially for outsiders. But, I thought that God and I would conquer all of that.

Through tears, I told God all of this. Do you want to know what He told me?

Deneen, I sent you up to Massachusetts with the belief that you were going to change the world because you never would have agreed to go if you knew that it was you I was going to work on. It's not that you are not willing to do the work. It is that you are so focused on others that you forget about yourself. But, Deneen, I've not forgotten about you. You are always on my mind. I wanted to heal you and change you and rebuild you so that you could be where you are right now. You returned to NJ at just the right time, even though the timing seems off. You returned ready to enter the church, ready to begin trusting again. I took you into a land of distrust so that you would learn to trust.

I don't know if I should put this on my blog. I put it here to encourage anyone who has had a dream that appeared to fail. Sometimes God sends us on the journey to pursue our dreams, not for the dream's sake, but for our own sake. Or...that is what He did for me. And perhaps that is what He has done for you.

So, it is with bittersweet emotions that I return to the land that I love. The first time my feet touched the soil of New England, 14 years ago, I knew that it was a place where my heart would remain. I don't know how my teenage mind knew that, but it did. I can't wait to share Boston with my mother. I can't wait to get my shoes back so that I can walk a few inches taller. I can't wait to see Boston through my new eyes. I can't wait to come back to NJ to begin my life once again.

007

There are very few prophetic words that I hold near and dear to my heart. I generally test a prophetic word given to me from someone else in this way: if I remember it by the time I journal about the experience, it's good. If not, then it's not. I'm sure that there is a more Biblical way to approach prophesy, but that is the way that I handle it.

A few years ago, my mother dragged me to a production that her church was having. When I say dragged, I mean it nearly literally. A woman from South Africa was doing some sort of dance and she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. If you know me, you know that this isn't exactly my cup of tea...especially after that incident in England that involved a flag and my head. My head is not, I repeat NOT a baseball.

So, I went begrudgingly. The dance was very...expressive. It was designed to encourage us to be more expressive, and to attempt to hear God in pictures or something like that. I kind of rolled my eyes and sighed.

But then God gave me a vision. I was on a globe, and I was jumping from continent to continent with my passport in my hand. The woman encouraged anyone who had a vision to come to the front because she believed that God wanted to interpret the visions for us.

Again, I rolled my eyes, but I went to the front. I told her what I had seen and what she said, what God spoke through her has stuck with me as a touchstone ever since. She told me that God was going to move me around, that I was going to travel all over the world. But, I was not obviously a Christian, so God was going to use me as a covert operative. I would be able to get into places that noone else would be able to enter because it would never be suspected that I am a follower of Christ. She said that I would be like 007.

Like I said, this has stuck with me. Rarely will you find me without my passport. I believe this...I believe that God spoke this because it was seared so deeply into my spirit. I don't think that He'll randomly lead me to the airport and place me on a plane without at least a few days notice. But my passport reminds me of who God has said that I am, and it reminds me of the promises that He's made to me.

A month or two ago, I sat down and spoke with Pastor John and Beth. It was my intention to talk about school, but we wound up talking about outreach, which is certainly something about which I am passionate. I was given the title of "ministry liaison." What that means, nobody really knows. But through this position, I've seen that prophesy that was seared into my heart so long ago begin to come to pass. I deliver doughnuts to township officials and noone bats an eye. I take food to the police department and the deputy chief is *almost* brought to tears. Being an English major in remission, I looked up the word "liaison." It was taken from dictionary.com for all of those who are just waiting for me to plagiarize so they can turn me into the feds. :-)

Liaison
1. the contact or connection maintained by communications between units of the armed forces or of any other organization in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.
2. a person who initiates and maintains such a contact or connection.

It's funny. That is what I do. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but there it is. In black and white.

I love what I do. I love what God has called me to do. I love what Pastor John and Beth have given me the freedom to do.

I am sensing that God has something else that He is asking me to do. Step up to the plate and see what happens.

But...I'm still scared. That seems to be the theme of my week.

Real Life, part deux

I begin this by saying that I love the women of The Sanctuary. My mom attended our chick night, and she left with nothing negative to say. She thinks that the women of our church have really sweet spirits. For her to leave with that impression is a miracle. So, thank you!

Have I mentioned that I love the women of The Sanctuary? In your average church, when you ask a bunch of women to make their signature dessert and to bring recipe cards, you get a whole lot of desserts and a whole lot of recipe cards. You leave the place needing a cup of salt because you are just about in a sugar coma.

At The Sanctuary, you tell a group of women to bring a signature dessert and recipe cards. What you get is meat loaf, buffalo deviled eggs, hot cheesy dip, lasagna and a bunch of desserts, with only one available recipe card for the buffalo deviled eggs! I love that I am in a church where we are free to be ourselves...our original, zany, funny, irreverent knucklehead selves. There is no fear of being reprimanded for being original. There is no fear that people are going to make fun of you for the food that you brought. I think that we celebrate our uniqueness rather than fear it. What a place of freedom.

What is amazing as well is that the underlying tension I mentioned in my previous blog was obviously not present. I think that we all actually like each other. I didn't have the sense that anyone tried to control the evening...it was basically an organic night with one part flowing naturally into the next. The teaching was intense, but in the spirit of celebration, that shows her uniqueness as well.

I'm a bit less afraid of women's ministry. Just a little.

Feliz Dia de Gracias

Thanksgiving is in full swing here at the White house. Today we did the bulk of the cooking so that tomorrow we can relax and enjoy the day. I cooked turkey and pork roast in the rain on the grill. It was AWESOME! I love to grill, and cooking on a charcoal grill in the rain presents a challenge...you have to get the lid off, check the food, add the coals and shut the lid before the rain extinguishes the heat. I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. I'm a goober. I admit it openly to all who ask.

The family converges tomorrow afternoon. My aunt is not traveling from MA, so that will take a bit of the tension out of the air. I plan on having an amazing day and loving my family...for their idiosyncrasies, for their odd opinions, for their originality. If it gets too difficult, I'm going to plug my mp3 player into my head and be reminded that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and that I have to show that fruit to my family.

I'm thankful that I am where I am today. God has brought me so far. At times I have to remember how far He's brought me. I tend to look at where I have to go.

I'm thankful for the friends and family that have stuck by my side through the good times and the terrible times.

I'm thankful that God is breaking an addiction that I have had since fifth grade.

I'm thankful that God has chosen The Sanctuary to be my home church for this time. I love this place. I appreciate my pastors pushing through my doubt and anxiety. I appreciate that they see in me what I've known was there. I appreciate that I am allowed to be me, not a round peg in a square hole.

I'm thankful that God is who He says He is in the Bible...He's proving Himself day after day after day. I can't imagine where I'd be without Him.

You're like Dr. Phil or something

This weekend I hosted a parade of marathon phone calls and conversations. It all began with an innocent phone call about 5PM on Friday and didn't end until about 11PM last night. The calls ranged from the hilarious to the arduous. They all had one common thread. A friend or relative had a need to get from one place to the next, geographically or emotionally, and I was elected tour guide.

You see, I found myself utterly and completely unqualified in every circumstance to be speaking, even when telling a friend whether to go straight, right or left on a road I've travelled countless times. Sometimes, in the dark, over the phone, the world is muddy. Let's be honest. In the light of the noon sun, at times, the world is incomprehensible.

On Friday night, I bended my knee to what God has been encouraging since I was a young child. I have only spoken the two words to two people. It fits, but it scares me. In my mind, I've always had one career path, one idea of where God was leading me. But, when I wrote down the words "pastoral counseling" it seems that a dam in my life broke wide open.

Three hours logged into a call with my cousin whose father is cheating on her mother, trying to help her make sense of the situation, what role she can play for her little sister, how she can support her mother, who is choosing to stay in the situation with the man who has been my nemesis since he helped to move my aunt out of our house when I was six.

Between face time and phone time, I lost track of how many hours I spent convincing someone to talk to her sister. One is agressive; one is passive-agressive. Engage the two in a conversation that includes more than a how-d0-you-do, one leaves enraged, the other a massive bleeding wound. One leaves feeling victorious but unfulfilled, the other hidden tightly away in a shell that she has developed for these situations. How is it that I find myself having to call out a bully? Can a bully be reformed when she has created the caustic exterior to protect her from parents who are deceased who never protected her in the first place?

Another friend is in a transitional phase with work. She was really hurt by a church, though she will only admit fear. Today she leaves for an interview in Green Bay. She's already found a church and a mall, so she's pretty excited. Frankly, I'm excited for her because she needs to get away from this area, figure out what she wants her life to look like and go for it. I detest being the person to encourage my friends to go so far, but I want them to be healthy and successful so desperately that I'll back any of God's plans for their lives, even to my own detriment.

Last night, after listening to bits and pieces of this marathon, my sister said to me, "You're like Dr. Phil or something. When my friends come to me with their problems, I say to them, 'Dude, that sucks.' Do you really care? Do you really want to help?" That left me thinking for a long time.

I do care. I truly want to leave people better. Yet, I am in a precarious situation. I know that I have no qualifications. I have a long resume of life experience. The only thing that I have to offer is what I know of the heart of the Father and a limited knowledge of the scriptures. All I can do is lead them to what Jesus says, back to the basics of Christianity. I lead them to the foot of the cross.

So, yeah. I'm like Dr. Phil. Only difference is that I attempt to lead people to a dialogue with Jesus Christ, and not to the Dr. Phil House of Horrors or to the local bookstore to purchase a self-help book that costs half a day's salary and that will ultimately lead them back to my feet.

I want my friends and family to face the lion in the eye and KILL IT.

For the record

For the record, I think I'd prefer to take the GRE's in calculus and organic chemistry rather than having to write an autobiographical statement and a statement explaining my desire to pursue a theological degree. Multiple choice tests are the way to go. Below are some good sample questions.

1. Do you feel called to seminary?
a. yes
b. no, my parents are making me do it.

2. Is Jesus your personal Savior?
a. yes
b. sometimes
c. no...but my parents think He is. They don't know what I do on the weekends!

3. What is the square root of 837?
a. I don't know.
b. Where's my calculator?
c. Why are you asking me this question?

4. What is acetyl salicylic acid?
a. carbonation in soda
b. aspirin
c. soap

5. Should you be doing something better than writing a fake test?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Shouldn't you be doing something more interesting than reading my procrastination questions?

I'll stop now. One "statement" completed, one to go.

What is it that you do, anyway?

Yesterday, a woman at church asked me, "So, what is it that you do?" She wanted to know how I had made my contacts at Voorhees Twp. Funny thing is I have no idea how the contacts were made. Sure, phone calls were made, cards exchanged, but I made no concerted effort to get to know these people. I fear that sounds arrogant. Allow me to clarify.

I'm not trying to make friends. I'm not trying to move ahead in ministry or in any area of my life. Right now, I'm giving God the freedsom to do as He pleases in my life. I wake up in the morning ready to do whatever it is that He has planned for my day. If that involves talking to the zoning official in Voorhees, great. If that involves talking to a faceless, nameless, homeless person in Philadelphia, even better. I'm simply trying to be His hands, His smile, His voice.

Heck, I'm even learning to say no. Or even better, not to say yes. That may seem elementary to some. In the past, whenever I've seen a need, I've jumped to fill it. I've always wanted to please people around me, people in leadership. I've always identified myself with the verbs rather than with who I am. I learned from those mistakes and now I'm comfortable being who I am...that means only saying yes to those things that I know God wants me to do, and not all of the other stuff. What I've learned is that God has someone to do everything...all of the tasks at hand. That person may not be in the room at the moment, but that person is available. My knee-jerk reaction is to fill the need. God's desire is that we all fill the needs.

I was tempted to delete my previous blog. I've avoided that temptation. This blog, for me, at the moment, is about chronicling a journey, not about me shouting from the mountaintops how amazing my life is. It's about being real, and watching what God does, how God takes me from the mountaintop to the pit of despair and up out of the miry pit. The feelings that I am experiencing are very real. However, I am not called to live by feeling but by faith. Being picked up out of the pit is faith...because sometimes it feels good to wallow. But walking with Jesus involves shaking the dust off your boots and walking forth.