Sunday, November 12, 2006

Raw me

There is something that I am realizing more and more each day. Inside of me there is a little girl who is still waiting for acceptance. From my parents and my family; from friends and loved ones. I know that God loves me and accepts me. Of that I am certain. But that little girl rises up within me, just waiting for the person who accepts me, the good, the bad and the ugly, no matter what. The one person who chooses me first. For the kickball team. For friendship. For life.

Last night I was posed with a question that had me thinking all night long. And all day long. Who am I? I've been taught to think of myself as abnormal...not in a peculiar people like the Bible calls us. Just odd...a piece of the puzzle that neither fits nor ever will fit. I really don't know that my family wants me to fit...the game that we play sets me apart for target practice.

With the holidays quickly approaching, I am dealing with a lot of stuff...unresolved stuff. Stuff that I've been attempting to deal with for a long time. I've made choices in my life that have led me to this place. And now I'm left to deal with my decisions. With God.

Yes, I am afraid of intimacy. When the one consistent message I've been given is that who I am is not good enough, yeah, I'm afraid to actually expose myself. God is healing many of those wounds, but some of them are still very real and alive and bleeding and deep.

If I had to come up with a few words to describe me, I would be hard-pressed. The one word that I can definitively say describes me is paradox. The sum total of all of that I am does not seem to add up to one person. And right now, though I have great friends, I don't know around whom I can really be me. Not the verb me...I do this, I do that, I am this, I am that. The adjective me. The noun me.

Perhaps this will make sense. Perhaps not. It doesn't really matter. It's me. The real deal. Raw, unedited me.

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