i was MADE for this

Change of address, part deux

2007-02-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

Hello! If you are reading this, that means that either 1. you happened upon this blog or 2. you have not yet changed your bookmark. In either case, please take a few moments to change the link to my blog to: deneenwhite.wordpress.com.

I've transferred all of my blogs from blogger to wordpress.

Thanks, and I look forward to seeing you around wordpress!

Transition to new blog

2007-01-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

Hello all!

Just wanted to let you know that I am transitioning from blogger to wordpress. I've had technical difficulties for a week or two now on blogger, and I've decided that it is making blogging difficult.

If you have me on your blogroll, please change the address to: http://deneenwhite.wordpress.com

I'll ask you to have some patience with me. My new blog is a work in progress. I cannot move the content of this blog to my new blog because blogger beta does not allow the transfer of data...or perhaps wordpress cannot work with blogger beta. Irregardless, I'm transitioning, and will begin to update consistently on that blog rather than this blog.

FYI--wordpress has a lot of features built into their system that currently require outside programs to be embedded into your blog.

Any questions, ask!

The Ivory Tower

2007-01-28T14:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote this in response to the 20/20 special that I viewed on Camden. It is my hope and prayer that you read it and digest it.

The ivory tower to which I've resigned
Crumbles around me
Isolation so complete
Silence broken
One story
One face
One city
Brings me to my knees
Heart pierced so deeply
Bleeding
Weeping
Recalling the days
The scents, the energy
Hope restored to a few
Fuels a city
A church
A people
The wails of a mother haunt my mind
Hungry children cry
Desperate for One
One to believe, to encourage
The cancer of complacency
Killed as the tower is destroyed
A raw heart beats
Once again
For a beloved city

© 2007 deneenwhite

Waiting on the world to change

2007-01-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

Last night 20/20 reported on the city of Camden, NJ. I didn't want to let my heart go *there,* so I decided to record it to be watched at a later time.

For those of you who do not know, the city of Camden is the poorest city in the US...and about 6 miles from my front door. It had the highest crime rate for several years. In 2006, the crime rate dropped in the city.

The last ministry in which I was involved at The River was Adopt-a-Block. It is their version of what is happening in Los Angeles at the Dream Center. I went every Saturday morning for many months into Pyne Point in North Camden. We cleaned up the streets. We developed relationships with individuals on the block to which we were assigned. Before I left the church, I stepped down from this ministry because of school and other obligations. Leaving the streets of Camden remains one of the most difficult decisions in my life. Perhaps one of my only regrets.

This morning, I watched the story. I have to give credit where credit is due. 20/20 actually objectively reported on the city, and the people of the city. I'm fairly certain that much of the story was shot in Pyne Point...the streets with which I am so familiar. As I watched the story, I smelled the bodegas frying up their food; I heard the scampering feet of the children who would run out of their houses as we arrived, looking for the doughnuts, bagels, bread that we brought with us. I saw the faces of the elderly lady that I visited so often. I remembered laughing at the guys in our group attempting to put up blinds in a house. I chuckled as I heard James tell me that I didn't have to worry in North Philly 'cause "you're a big girl, and guys don't want to mess with no big girl."

Last week as I rode the train through Camden, I teared up. I love that city so much. I love the people of that city. And you know what? I know that God will use me to make a difference in that city. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know that I know that He will make a way.

If you want to watch the video, you can go to http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2823563

Friday recap

2007-01-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a day.

It amazes me how God works things out. For the past few days, I've been wrestling out my faith...I know that God is God and that His Word is Truth. I've not lost hope in the Lord. But I've lost hope in so many other things. An example is the job that had eluded me for so long.

Today I woke up and had a thirst for the Word...specifically Romans. Yesterday God did a lot of personal heart work dealing with some really deep heart issues...it was a one on one kind of day, just my Father, my Savior, the Holy Spirit and me. Today, He followed up with a dose of the Word. Romans really challenged me...and the way that I see church, and the way that I see God.

A passion for the lost has been reawakened in me. A passion for the simplicity of the Gospel. I love delving into the deeper things of God, but God forbid I forget the One who allows me to walk forth with boldness to the throne of God and make my requests known.

I am so thankful that God has provided this job for me. I know that the job in Voorhees makes a lot more sense to the natural eye--the location, the potential money, the location--in terms of where God has called me to minister. But God knows my heart. He knows that as much as I love Voorhees, I feel truly alive when I walk the streets of Philadelphia. He knows that I love learning about other cultures. He knows what the growth pattern of this company is, and He knows my future. So, I thank Him for giving me the desire of my heart, which I have asked Him to do. I thank Him for giving me an opportunity to get to know the Korean culture, which is fascinating. And more than anything, I thank Him for giving me life. I thank Him for being Him.

Quotable family moments in the past few days.

2007-01-26T14:47:00.000-05:00

I love my family. Seriously I do.

This morning Nick and I had a conversation about God.

"What does He look like, Neen-Neen?"
"Well, Nick, I don't know. The only person whose seen God face to face is Moses."
"You said that God looks like all of us."
"You're right Nick. We all have God's fingerprint on us, so looking at people gives us an idea of what God looks like."
"Daddy says you're a liar. We don't all look like God."
"Well, Nick your daddy is wrong. The Bible says God made us in His image (I read the scripture to him)."
"Neen-Neen, is that book true?"
"Yes, Nick, it is the Truth."
"OK."

So, now we all know what my brother-in-law is saying about me. Nice stuff, eh?

I'm all sorts of excited about my job, and my response has been...well, underwhelming.

"Wow. Good. That's the job in Voorhees, right?" -Denette, sister of the employed.
"Oh, mein schatz. I'm so excited. Now you can chip a little into the house and your father won't have it all on his shoulders." _Oma, grandmother of the employed.
"You do know that you'll have to pay city wage tax, right?" -Mother of the employed. (In mom's defense, she said this a few days ago.)

It's a good thing that I've been buried in the book of Romans today people. Seriously.

i have a job

2007-01-26T13:48:00.000-05:00

Guess what, people!

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!

I was just offered a job with Osstem, and I accepted. Osstem is a Korean company that sells dental implants. I will be working in Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia. Watch out Philly, here I come!!!!! So yeah...I'm gainfully employed. Or I will be on February 12th. Can you tell that I'm just a little bit excited?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Heart issues

2007-01-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

Today I've been wrestling out some pretty deep heart issues. There are things that I've been carrying around for a long time. Yesterday I read an article that triggered some stuff that runs deep.

Some desires seems inconsistent with other desires. Some issues I thought weren't "important" it turns out are of the utmost importance. Some things that I thought were important are just blips on a screen.

What am I saying? Paradigms are shifting. Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, and to fear God properly, I've had to learn what faith is. I suppose that there has been a crisis of faith going on within me for the past few days. Noone I know has a terminal disease. Noone I know has died suddenly. I believe more today than I did yesterday that God is God, that He is sovereign, omnipotent, omnipresent. The crisis of which I speak has involved me wrestling out my desires, trying to make heads or tails of them. The resolution to which I've come is this: I can't figure it out. I'm not God. And I have to be okay with that.

Am I? *chuckles* Being a control freak who wants everything planned out to the milisecond, not so much. Am I willing to learn to be okay with that? Yes.

Faith lessons

2007-01-24T13:35:00.001-05:00

There is a theme running through my life at the moment. It is a little something that I like to call faith. God is taking key situations in my life and rebuilding the woman of faith that I once was. He is re-educating me on what faith is...what it tastes like, smells like, feels like. I relinquished the gift of faith one day...I could take you the exact spot where I gave it away...but I won't.

As you may or may not know, I've been applying for jobs. Lots of jobs. Big jobs. Small jobs. Jobs in the medical industry. Jobs in the mortgage industry. Heck, I even applied to be an administrative assistant for a floor company. All of the jobs have one thing in common. I would be comfortable. I know that I can do all of the jobs for which I have applied. I'm intelligent. I learn quickly. I have an aptitude for a myriad of subjects and jobs. I say this not to sound boastful. I know who I am and I know that whatever I do, I do well. In all of those jobs, I'd be financially ok. Not great...but good enough. Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Last week, completely off-the-cuff, I apply for a job at a mortgage company in Voorhees, mentioned in my previous blog post. I didn't expect a call...I expected crickets. So, when I received the phone call on Monday, I was cautiously optimistic, 'cause I've been here before.

The interview went well, from what I could tell. We talked for about an hour. The job will be challenging, interesting and something new. I would be an AA for a few months while learning to process mortgages. The company is laid back--as long as you are doing your work. Two young guys are the owners. They are excelling in their industry, but they maintain a good sense of self, of family. I was told today that family comes first, then work. Wow. For the mortgage industry, that is almost blasphemy.

Where am I going with this? A few years ago, I made a decision to leave a job. A good job. Over the years, I wrestled with shame. Inevitably, every person asks, "Why would you leave such a good job?" With the financial ramificaions of my decision, I ask that question more often than anyone can imagine. But, whenever I ask the "why" God always brings me back to the same scripture in Joel 2:25-26:

25“I'll make up for the years of the locust,the great locust devastation-Locusts savage, locusts deadly,fierce locusts, locusts of doom,That great locust invasionI sent your way.26You'll eat your fill of good food.You'll be full of praises to your GOD,The God who has set you back on your heels in wonder.Never again will my people be despised. (The Message)

I left my job, which was a safe, secure job, to swim in water with some fierce sharks, to have all that I owned eaten by locusts. The job for which I interviewed today would be God restoring what the locusts have stolen...this job would be a financial blessing unlike anything I would have asked God for. This job would teach me to make lucrative tents...anywhere in the US.

It is not my desire to be blessed so that I can gather up a bunch of things. The desire of my heart is to be blessed by God in every capacity so that I can be a blessing to my family, my church, my community. My hands have been tied--willingly--to bring me to this point. I feel like a race horse in the starting gate. I know that the race is about to begin, but I am held back, awaiting the sound of the starter pistol and the raising of the gates.

So, if you could, would pray for me, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Interview

2007-01-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

Today i have a job interview with a mortgage company in Voorhees. The office is less than a mile away from the Ritz Movie Theaters (where The Sanctuary meets every Sunday) and less than a mile away from the Voorhees Twp. Municipal offices.

I've been praying for a job for over seven months now. Since October, I've been praying not for a specific job, but for a specific location. Because one of my functions to is maintain relationships with different people in the township, I want to be local to Voorhees.

Any job I take can be likened to Paul making tents. It paid the bills, but was certainly not his passion. I'm sure he made fantastic tents, just like I'll be a fantastic administrative assistant.

So, please pray. Pray for God's will...for the door that He wants to open to be opened. For His favor. For me not to tell the interviewer that I was a disappointment to a previous employer. 'll never allow myself to live that one down!!!!!

Lion and the Lamb

2007-01-23T18:26:00.000-05:00

I'm obsessed with sports. Seriously obsessed. After my team lost on Sunday, I immediately changed the channel to ESPN2 to watch the Australian Open.

One thing that I've noticed as of late is the eyes of the athletes. More to the point, the eyes of the champions, the winners, those who have "it" in them to win it all. I heard a sports announcer say about Tom Brady: "He is a pretty boy with the heart of a lion. He'll smile at you and then tear out your heart." Please note that is a very loose translation of what was said.

Last night I watched Serena Williams duke it out with Peer for a spot in the semi-finals of the Atustralian Open. Peer is an Israeli and serving in the army. The look in Williams' eyes would stop any man ten times her size in his tracks.

So what does this have to do with the price of rice in China, you ask? There is something about the intensity of sports that I love. I love the preparation, the strategy, the energy of sports. I'm not an athlete (by far) but I love competition. I love to fight for something in which I believe. I love to win.

How does this translate to my life? This weekend at the women's retreat, God spoke something to me. He told me that in order to be successful in ministry, I must possess the tenacity of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. Jesus did. He's known as the Lion of Judah and the Lamb of God.

Terrific Kid

2007-01-23T09:59:00.000-05:00

Today my niece Isabella got an award from the Kiwanis Club in Woodbury. (She's the one in the front of the picture.) She was named one of her school's Terrific Kids. The Kiwanis honor two children from each grade who help in the classroom, who do their homework, who add to the overall community of the school. I had the opportunity to attend the ceremony.

I have to admit. When I left the house, I had a bit of an attitude. It's not that I don't love the kids, but one would think that their parents would make an effort to attend these events.

But, I got to thinking. Let's be honest. I don't know if I'm ever going to have kids. I don't know if I'm ever going to get married. (This is not a pity-me post...I'm fine with not getting married and not having kids if that is what God would prefer.) But I have the opportunity to be a part of my niece and nephews' lives on a daily level. What other aunt goes to every little league game, choir and band concert, kindergarten graduation, pre-school plays? Not too many.

As I was walking home, God reminded me of this scripture in Isaiah 54:1.
"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.

Looking at my life, I do have more children than just about anyone who has given birth. It is a privilege to know so many people, and to love them as I do.

So, I am the aunt to three Terrific Kids, even though only one received the official honor this month. And I count myself blessed!

Lessons learned inside the belly of a fish

2007-01-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'll be upfront and honest with you. I generally avoid the book of Jonah like the plague.

Until today, I only saw Jonah as a rebellious man. God calls him. He runs away. He gets thrown off a boat. Swallowed by a fish. Vomited out of the fish's mouth. Resentfully proclaims the word of the Lord. City gets saved. Jonah remains in a bad mood. The end.

Today, as I was researching faith in the Bible, I went to the book of Jonah. I know, I know. Hebrews 11. Hall of faith. Most of the New Testament. Faith. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Faith. Jonah is about the last person that I consider when I consider a teaching on faith.

Stick with me for a moment. (Or, if you are already ahead of me, chill for a moment and let me catch up.) Jonah is a Hebrew. He is secure in who God is, and who his people are in God...they are God's chosen people. The people in Nineveh are Assyrians...a bad group of people. For fun, when they conquer a land, they skin people alive; they boil people in oil; they kill babies and kids in the most cruel, inhumane ways possible.

So, God tells Jonah, "You know the most evil, heinous people on the face of the earth? Go to them and proclaim the Good news." Jonah becomes infuriated and heads in the opposite direction, to Tarshish. I would have too. God's love for the Assyrians is so great that He causes a storm, gets Jonah thrown overboard, swallowed by a big fish and vomited onto the shore. Of Nineveh. God uses Jonah's mouth, despite his bitterness, to save a city.

You see, I don't think that Jonah's main problem is his bitterness or his rebellion. I think that his problem is that he knows that God is going to move. Jonah has seen God move, and knows God's compassion and love and grace. And God knows that Jonah knows that He will move.

Put yourself in Jonah's place. God has called you to a place where you know that He wants to move. But you are afraid of the people; they have repeatedly tortured you and your people throughout the years. They are building a nuclear bomb that they would like to use to level your cities, to bring destruction to your land. Now, imagine God asking you to leave your land to go to their land to proclaim the Good News. Would you be willing?

How about this scenario. Think of a person who has hurt you deeply. Or a group of people who have hurt you deeply. A group of people who absolutely terrify you. Think of them, their friends, their relatives, sitting at a table in your local Starbucks. These people do not know God, but you know that He wants to speak words of healing and reconciliation with Him into their lives. Do you walk up with your skim caramel macchiato and tell them of the wonders of God? Or do you hop in your SUV and hope for the best for them?

So, today I learned some valuable heart lessons inside the belly of a whale. Some faith lessons. I believe that some of us, myself included, know that God wants to move...I'm talking about people who know God, know His grace, know His love and compassion for His people. The problem with God is that He wants to move in people we don't like, who don't fit our agenda. So, we pack our bags, hop in our ship, and "pray" for those people.

Are you going to be a Jonah a serve God begrudgingly? Or are you going to serve the Lord with gladness and allow Him to move in others' lives and therefore move in your life?

OUCH!

2007-01-21T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well, my team lost. OUCH! Outplayed for the second half. Only losing for the most important minute of the game. The last minute.

On the upside, in two weeks history will be made. The first African American head coach will win the Superbowl. That shows how far our country has come. Make no mistake about it. I realize how far we've yet to go.

I already received a phone call...and we celebrated a brief moment of silence :-) I'm resilient. I'm all set for the Superbowl, to which I will be wearing my Patriots scarf, in case there is any question!

So, in two weeks:

GO BEARS!!!!!!

Call to action

2007-01-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a weekend of healing for so many...the countenance of many of the women that I know has literally changed. And for that, I thank God. It is amazing to watch Him move.

This weekend was also a call to action. Today Pastor Jay preached. He taught on growth...how it is important to mature as individuals, but also as a body. One of his illustrations hit me. Babies are really cute. But, if they don't develop, mature, grow, at a certain point, this indicates that there is a problem...there is a need for medical attention.

There is no medical insurance for stunted spiritual growth. But there is a hospital in which this can be cured. It is called the church, being involved in a community of believers who are growing through their own brokenness, who are experiencing healing spiritually, emotionally, physically. Spiritual growth is not reactive. It is proactive. The Bible exhorts believers to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.

For me, this weekend was a growth weekend. I actually let my guard down in the group of women. I laughed (so much so that the people in the room next door banged on the wall to shut us up.) I cried so hard that my head felt like it was hit with a bat. I got angry. I was real.

I've been hiding behind something...the identity that I've carried with me from my previous church. I didn't realize was the weight of the identity that I was portraying. I was wearing chain mail. This weekend, the chain mail was removed and melted down without me even realizing what was occuring.

This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I found myself much less self-conscious of what I wore. In church, I found myself surrounded by women. And I wasn't freaking out. I was in my element.

Back to the call to action. I have something to say, to add, to contribute. To women, to men, to the church, to the unchurched. I've known this since I was seven years old, preaching to my stuffed animals. Perhaps I've been surpressing this knowledge; perhaps hiding from the message that I have in my spirit. Now that the chain mail has been removed, I need to get the word out.

When the Potter decides that it is time, the word will go forth.

Weekend recap

2007-01-20T18:56:00.000-05:00

For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed the women's retreat. Our speaker blew my mind. What she said, though it touched me, didn't rock my world. Instead, it confirmed in me so many things that God has spoken into my life recently. And that is a cool thing.

God did a work knitting my heart to some of the women in the church this weekend. I've wanted, for so long, to find some women with whom I can relate and bond. I want those women who are older than I who can impart something into my life...and with whom I can have relationship. And I believe that I have found them.

I didn't sleep all that much...ok, pretty much not at all. When I finally fell asleep, police cars...three of them to be exact...went roaring down the boardwalk, hotels blaring, right outside our balcony. Our hotel was at the end of the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ, where the boardwalk is not that wide. It probably doesn't help that the doors to our balcony were open, but still. It scared the snot out of me.

I can't describe at length what God did in me. I believe that I will learn what He did as I live out the life that He has shown me will be. I am going to enjoy the fire moments, the dark room moments, the moments of laughter that makes my head hurt and my side cramp. In short, I am really learning to enjoy the daily living out of life.

Yes, I had my moments. I am fighting the whole Martha thing...and it is something that I will fight for a long time. There is a time to serve and a time to receive. I generally err on the side of doing too much, and when I do, I get snippy. I lose the blessing involved, and other people get snipped.

But, you know what? I'm learning. I'm learning to be vulnerable. I'm learning to be more teachable. And more than anything, I'm enjoying getting to know my Saviour through the amazing women (and men) that He has brought into my life.

But for now: it's sleepy time.

Housekeeping/Administrative stuff

2007-01-18T09:50:00.000-05:00

Gidday, mates! (Been watching the Australian open...I love tennis!!!!) Anyway...

I have this unexplainable need to be organized as of late. Last night I spent about a lot of time organizing my email folders. Today I tackled the blogroll. I have become a blogrolling packrat...whenever I find a resource (blog, website, etc) that I find interesting, helpful, informative, I have been blogrolling it. So, today I took the time to organize my findings.

There are now three categories into which I will file my blogs. The categories are for my own sanity more than anything. My priority reading (when I am finally working full time and going to school full time and actively involved in ministry) will be the Friends & Family blogs.

Friends and Family

These are the blogs of people that I actually know and have met/talked with face to face. These blogs I check pathologically. (If you don't believe me, you can ask those who have sitemeter! I've been coined a "blog stalker" by one person...all in good fun, of course. Or at least I think it was...haha) These people are the people with whom I am walking out my life. I laugh with these people and cry with these people and am actively a part of their lives. If you want to get to know me, read these blogs. These are the people who are helping to shape me into me.

Church Planters & Church Plants

These are the blogs of people who are in the process of planting churches or who have planted churches. I read these blogs fequesntly, if not daily. I've become quite passionate about church planting and learning everything I can about the topic. I value learning by experience as much as learning by the book. I've learned a lot of what to do (and not to do) by reading these blogs over the past few months.

Leadership & Resources

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I don't necessarily check these blogs everyday, but when I do I glean leadership "tools" that I have found helpful.

Uncharted territory

2007-01-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am blessed, humbled, excited beyond comprehension right now. I've never been in this place before...this is uncharted territory for me, which is alright with me.

Tonight we had our monthly leadership meeting...we call them leadership roundtables. We caught the path that God wants our church to walk. I know I've said this before, and I know that I'll say it again and again, but The Sanctuary is what I always dreamed church could be but never thought it would be.

As Colleen and I were driving home, I realized something. When I am with the men and women of my church, I am more of who I am than when I'm not with them. Please hear my heart on this one. It's not a co-dependent kind of thing. It is an iron sharpening iron deal. Whenever I am around these wonderful people, I feel God challenging me to be more of who I am, and everything within me responds. I don't try for the reaction. It just happens. It just is.

I cannot wait for the Ladies retreat this weekend. I really love the women of my church. I love them because they've taught me how to be more of a woman and how not to fear women.

For the record, that's the third fear conquered in a week: hospitals, women and cancer. (I'm still not going to unlearn my fear of roller coasters. I like that one!)

ARghhhhh

2007-01-17T07:54:00.000-05:00

Somehow I managed to pull a muscle or pinch a nerve in the right side of my neck. So, I hurt. And boy, am I not happy about it. Guess I'll have to take it easy on my father this weekend when he has knee surgery. I'm certain that what he's been feeling in his knee is exponentially worse than this. He has a torn muscle in his right knee as well as some arthritis. Ouch.

Dad's feeling a bit "concerned" about going under general anesthesia. But he'd prefer that to being awake and not being able to feel his toes. That freaked him out.

So, if you wouldn't mind praying for the my father and me, you'd be our collective hero. I've been praying for peace for my dad, and that God would guide the doctor's hand during the surgery. Oh yeah...pray for my mom, that she is able to get him to the surgery center by 6:45AM.

Thanks!

My first book?

2007-01-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I believe that I may have written much of the first chapter (not chronologically...but the first in a group of chapters) that will become a book. The topic came to me while I was watching the movie The Pursuit of Happyness. It is going to be about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...probably minus the Lockean rhetoric. Or, if I feel all smart and stuff, I'll add it. Just to feel as if the hundreds of dollars that I paid for the Intellectual Heritage class came in useful.

I even have goals written out for the book, and have chosen the target audience.

I'm not willing to share the copy raw, but once I get it edited to a form that will not make all of my English professors sick, I'll share bits and pieces. I'll probably ask some for their opinions--ie would you read this book, does it sound like a second grader wrote the book--so if you are interested in sharing your opinion and giving your advice, let me know.

I can't believe that I actually am posting this.

I have to thank Colleen for her encouragement. She's been kicking me in the butt about this for quite a while now.

A day in Philadelphia!

2007-01-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

Fear is a cancer to the soul. It causes families to separate, rejecting one another before they can be rejected. Fear causes people to live in terrible situations and to remain in abusive work situations.

There is good fear and bad fear. Good fear saves people from being eaten by lions and from being run over by a oncoming bus. Bad fear makes you tremble in front of man. Good fear is reverence of God; bad fear makes a person postpone an interview for fear of rejection.

The past few days have been a micrcosm of hell for me. Our car broke down; I got sick; my father has put pressure on me to find a job and did not speak to me last night because I did not go to my interview because I was sick.

But today...today was a completely different ball game. I had one of the best interviews I've ever had. My interview was supposed to last for 30 minutes. I was in the room for an hour. I was supposed to meet with one man. I met with three. Before I entered the interview, I prayed that God would let me know as soon as I walked in the building whether or not this job was for me. I prayed that He would open the door that was supposed to be open and close the door that should be closed.

For the record, God changed the law of electromagnetic energy during my interview as well. I wore the necklace that Beth gave me for Christmas as well as my long earrings. Even now my earrings are sticking to my necklace. Not once during the interview did the metal attract to the magnets. Cool, eh?

I also made a friend from Poland today. I was sitting in Starbucks writing. I had my Bible out, and this blonde woman asked me to take a picture of her in Starbucks. I smiled and acquiesced her request. She explained to me that she is from Poland, visiting friends in Philadelphia. It turns out that she is studying at Georgetown in Washington, DC. She is doing post-doctoral work, a study of the martyrs. She is Catholic. We talked about everything from the Masons to the state of America to different perceptions of homosexuality in our countries. We exchanged email addresses. If (or when) I visit Poland, I have a place to stay :-) In any case, I have made a new contact in Poland.

Long story short. Chill Pastor was correct. If you do not enjoy every moment of where you are, you will miss out on opportunities to bless other people...and to be blessed.

Day to day

2007-01-15T20:30:00.000-05:00

Not feeling so well. So, I've been silent. At least today. Been reveling in the Pats win, the Eagles loss (sorry PJ,) the Australian Open.

Everytime God is about to do something awesome, I get a sinus infection. So, now I find myself looking forward to the Leadership Roundtable on Wednesday night. And the Women's retreat this weekend. Who would've guessed I'd say that? And mean it.

I had to postpone my interview. I go tomorrow at 10AM. My prayer is that God opens the door He wants open and keeps the other doors closed. So, I walk in trust that God is God and that He is in control of everything.

I am looking forward to being in the city for the day. After my interview, I'm going to find myself a nice coffee shop in which I plan on writing for a few hours. Perhaps I'll go up to Temple during the day as well. I hear there's been a lot of construction on campus that I've yet to see. Or maybe I'll take the bus home, get in my comfy clothes and call it a day.

No deep spiritual insights to be found here tonight. Just real life. Miracles are found in the mundane. I can't wait.

Today's sermon

2007-01-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

I have some gifted friends. If you read my earlier post, you'll know that my friend Colleen preached at church today...she shared about the healing that God has done in her life. Let me tell you something...and I'm not saying this because I'm biased and know how awesome she is. That message was amazing. What was awesome is that it was not contrived. She dug deep for the message, but it was her. Her story. Her testimony. The healing that God has done in her life.

From what I hear--and what I sense--God did some awesome things through the message. What I love about God is that He works in the everyday occurences in our lives. It is our reaction to circumstances that create our opportunities.

I am so humbled to have such amazing friends, such an amazing church family, such an amazing pastor.

And just think.

The best is truly yet to come.

Patriots win: 24-21

2007-01-14T20:21:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to gloat. OK...I do.

And for the record, when(if) they make it to the SuperBowl, I'm going to be unbearable.
At least I know my problems and admit them freely.

America runs on Dunkin

2007-01-14T10:38:00.000-05:00

America may run on Dunkin Donuts coffee, but my car sure doesn't!

This morning I was so excited to get to church to hear Colleen speak that I left about 30 minutes earlier than I usually do. I figured I'd stop to get some coffee, and be at church early enough to help out with whatever needed to be done and to have the opportunity to pray with her before she spoke. So, I'm driving down the road, I pull into Dunkin Donuts for my coffee. I get my coffee...life is going well...and then I get back into the car. I hear a shrieking sound, and all of a sudden, I can't steer the car. Well, I can, but it's really, really, really difficult.

Car troubles in our house equal anxiety. My father isn't the most mechanical man. So car troubles take our family into insecure land. Not a happy place for us. People react differently to insecurity. My father and I become like cornered animals when we are too insecure. It's not a pretty thing.

So after a few conversations with my father, he came to get me. I had to call Pastor John to tell him that I wouldn't be in church, and he was so calm...and so calming. What can we do for you? Can we pick you up? He prayed.

In the ensuing 20 minutes or so, I praised God. I prayed for Colleen, for our church, for my parents, for myself. God gave me a Psalm. Psalm 34. I don't usually go to the Psalms for comfort, but that is where God usually leads me. By the time my parents arrived at Dunkin Donuts, I was calm. Dad was calm. Mom was calm. All was well with our souls.

Mom drove the car to the shop...'cause she's more of a woman than I. And she made me laugh and know that all was well. She mothered me, and I needed it.
So, now I sit here, blogging as Colleen is speaking. I wanted so desperately to be in church, but God reminded me that there are some things that we have to do on our own. Since God is not surprised that I was not in church, I must then assume that God knew that Colleen needed me not to be in church today. Maybe she needed my prayers from afar more than my presence.

Or maybe I needed my Savior today more than I needed church.

Oh when the Saints, go marching in

2007-01-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Oh when the saints, oh when the saints, oh when the saints come marching in....oh i want to be in the numbers, when the saints come marching in! As far as I'm concerned, Deuce McAllister deserves a raise. He's my new hero...seriously.

At least, after tomorrow, I won't have to hear about the Eagles for a couple of months...HALLELUJAH.

So, today I went to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia...and it's pretty bad. She loves God with her whole heart and her whole being, but she is one of those people that confound me. I fully, 100% believe that God is a God who heals. But I also believe that He's given man wisdom. So, when I have bronchitis, or anything else for that matter, I believe that He will heal me...whether it is miraculous or via medicine.

Back to my friend. She's in the hospital because she's allowed herself to get so run down that one of her lungs was completely overtaken with pneumonia. Now she can hold a conversation for only a few minutes without shortness of breath. She has a few other issues going on as well. She's been believing that God would heal her. It landed her in the hospital. Yes, we have to have faith. But shall we exercise faith without the wisdom that God has given us? Is that not foolishness?

The bad news is that she's going to be in the hospital for at least the next few days...and will likely end up back in the hospital if she doesn't take care of herself. The good news is that I've lost my fear of hospitals this week. Two visits to the hospital, a potential third tomorrow, and I'm not breaking out in a cold sweat.

The best news: NO MORE EAGLES IN THE PLAYOFFS. NO MORE E-A-G-L-E-S CHANTS.

Completely random thoughts strung together...

2007-01-13T06:34:00.000-05:00

I wonder if next week at this time I will see fit to be awake and on the frigid beach praying. With an attitude like that, I'm going to make sure that I'm snuggled in my down coat, even if it's snowing on the beach. Especially if it's snowing on the beach.

Last night I learned of another friend that found a lump. I immediately invited her to church on Sunday because Colleen is preaching...and I know that words of healing will flow. In God conquering her encounter with what could have been cancer, my fear of cancer was eradicated. Now, when I hear what was once a four letter word in my mind, I see victory. Technically lump is a four letter word, but I was referring to cancer.

I cannot shut my mind down. I'm really excited about tomorrow. It is amazing how far God has brought my friend. Two years ago, she was in the lowest place possible. God scooped her up and reminded her of who He says she is. Two weeks ago, she had a scare. We all had a scare. And now tomorrow, she has the opportunity to proclaim the goodness of God. At dinner last night, all I could do was smile. She referred to me as the Chesire Cat, or the cat that ate the canary. Now, this morning, I am completely and utterly humbled. How great is our God?!

Of course, I'm also excited at the prospect of an entire weekend of football. And I think that I'm going to be a pastor one day. Can you imagine? Services throughout football season ensuring that all congregants can get to a tv in time to see the game of their choice? I'd be an awesome pastor! :-)

And on that note, I shall end. Before my pastor doesn't send out my recommendation.

I crack myself up. Or maybe it's exhaustion.

2007-01-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

I saw a man standing
On the corner of Hope and Desire
The road called Hope
All but abandoned
Littered with rubbish
Devoid of faith
The road called Desire
Lined by high aspirations
Charred by fire
Lit by a desolate candle

I saw a Man walking
Down the street called Hope
With each step
Reviving the landscape
Scattering the seeds of faith
Strolling up the street called Desire
Setting the buildings ablaze
Their size increasing
Solely with a glance

I saw the streets called Hope and Desire
Intertwined and intermingling
Vibrant and alive
Reinhabited
Visions of many ages and sizes renewed
A cool invigorating breeze
Fanning the flames of hope and desire

©deneenwhite

Penny for your thoughts

2007-01-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

You know that you are an avid blogger when people call to make sure that you are ok after a day of silence :-)

I've been trying to process things that are being thrown at me right now. I'm scared to prayer right now. I'd been taught that prophesy should be confirmation, not information. Over the years, I've had several people speak things prophetically into my life that I dismissed because they were things that I had not yet discovered about myself. Lately, however, those words have brought back to the forefront of my memory. And God has been expanding on them.

I've always had a dream of traveling the world, preaching the gospel on every continent. What I never thought of, until recently, was what would fill the time between trips. Obviously, it won't be a typical 9-5 job. I am invested in what is going on in NJ. I love where I am and what I'm doing. I'm learning the practical, day to day stuff that they don't teach you in seminary, or in any classroom.

The amazing thing for me is that with every church I've attended, I've learned different facets of ministry. At one church, I learned the ministering part--how to pray for people, how to teach. At another church, I was taught the administrative stuff...how to run the office, how to be the front person, the armor bearer, how to play the political game of church life, how to prepare for and execute mission trips. Now I'm learning the establishment part of church--how to get out in the community and make a difference.

It has been my desire for a long time to go to different places and plant churches. There have been people who I allowed to speak into my life who tried to kill that desire, for whatever reason. But now, that desire is coming forth again.

I looked at the list of people whose blogs I read regularly. With few exceptions, I am drawn to the church planters, to innovators. Even in my professional life, the jobs in which I have excelled have been those in which I was constantly mobile, creating something out of nothing. So, I suppose that I must move from the place of denial to a place of freedom to be me.

There aren't exactly a multitude of examples for me to follow, being a woman. One of my friends is a Methodist pastor. She's told me that many of the male pastors in town don't speak to her. I understand the thoughts behind a woman as a lead pastor. Being a woman, I don't know that I would attend a church that has a woman as the lead pastor. As a matter of fact, I won't work for a woman because of my experiences with many different female bosses.

So, I find myself in a precarious position right now. And the reason I was silent yesterday is because this is a subject through which I have been wrestling and will continue to wrestle.

A penny for your thoughts...

Seminary

2007-01-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

Wow. I'm not even registered for seminary--they keep sending me emails that I have yet to submit transcripts (that they are requesting for me) and I already have an email address and an advisor.

I was at Temple for three years and did not have an advisor.

Either I'm breaking out in the chicken pox or hives. And I'm laughing nervously.

Wow. This is really happening.

2007-01-10T11:06:00.001-05:00

I hope that it's not too disconcerting that I keep changing the layout of my blog.

I get bored way too easily. And I have too much time on my hands.

Should be writing. Instead, I'm meddling.

What happens in women's ministry.....

2007-01-10T01:28:00.000-05:00

Stays in women's ministry. Unless you have a blogger in the crowd. Muahahaha....(that is supposed to translate into the laugh of a mad scientist...or a witch...)

Tonight I went to a meeting for our first annual Real Life Women's Retreat. I went in apprehensively. I know that we have some amazing women in my church, but that doesn't make it easier to consider spending an entire weekend together. In a small hotel. Without the autonomy of one's own car. When your greatest fear is a group of women in a small space.

So, tonight as we were discussing the food that will be served at the reception, I learned a lot of useful information. About the wonders of menopause. Hot flashes. Snoring. A myriad of things that make me want to invent anti-aging serum. I literally plugged my ears at one point. I almost started humming.

You see, I was inducted into some women's Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight. If I tell of the specifics of the things I learned, I may become shark food sometime between Jan. 19 and the 20th.

Over the past few weeks, I've wanted to get to know some of the women in church. So, I am looking forward to having the opportunity to develop those relationships. I am willing to begin to let my guard down so that people get to know me.

So, I am going to the retreat. Cautiously optimistic. But I am going.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2007-01-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Today is my mom's birthday.

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday Mom! And say a few words.

You are a blessing to me. I don't know what I would do without you...in our best times and our worst times. You are a blessing to our family. God certainly gave you some interesting offspring--both children and grandchildren--and you roll with the punches with the best of 'em. You are a blessing to your friends. Even the friends you attempt to write off who keep popping up in your life with the perfect gift that confirms what God has been speaking into your life.

God has amazing plans for your life. Despite what circumstances currently appear, I know that God is going to bring to pass the dreams and vision that He's planted deep within your heart. Don't lose hope; don't lose heart. Keep walking forward. It doesn't matter whether you take giant leaps or baby steps. God is neither surprised with the size of the step nor is He disappointed.

You have been created for fellowship with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Enjoy your time of fellowship with Him and be satisfied with all that He is. In due time, you will reap a harvest.

Happy Birthday Moms!

Job interview

2007-01-09T14:06:00.000-05:00

I have a job interview on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I get the job, I'll be working with a Korean company that does dental implants. The job will be in Center City (YAY!) where I would love to work. They are opening a manunfacturing plant in Fairless Hills, PA (Bucks County,) which will create 200 new jobs in the area. They have offices in NY and CA, as well as Seoul, Korea. It seems like a great opportunity.

And...on our very brief phone interview, I didn't make an arse of myself. It's already looking better than the last interview.

I'm seeing an Asian theme in my life. Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm.

Please pray for me...that God will open up the proper door at the proper time...SOON. I've enjoyed my time establishing myself back in NJ, but if I don't get out of this house to work, I may lose my mind.

Which Biblical character, part one of many

2007-01-08T14:53:00.000-05:00

Friday night I attended a Sweet Sixteen party. (I remember why I'm not called to youth ministry, and I admire those who are brave enough to answer the call.)

Anyway--a question was posed that has been resounding in my brain. "If you could choose any Biblical character, one from the New Testament and one from the Old Testament, who would it be and why? And Jesus cannot be your answer."

I can't choose only one from each testament. It would be impossible. So, I'm beginning my first blog series, which of course will be intermingled with random Deneen-isms. And today I begin with Peter.

I choose Peter because, of all of his good and bad traits, he is the person to whom I can relate the best. When Peter is good, nothing can stop him. But when he's not good...watch out.

Peter had a zeal for the Lord unlike any of his counterparts. He was the disciple who walked on water. He is the disciple who lopped off the guard's ear when they came to take Jesus away in the Garden. He is the disciple who wanted Jesus to not only wash his feet, but his whole body, the entirety of his being. He's the disciple who, in one breath declares Jesus the Christ, the Messiah and in the next few moment Jesus admonishes, "Get thee behind me Satan!" Peter declares his undying love and support for Jesus and then denies Him three times before the rooster crows.

In all honesty, all of the disciples, aside from John, abandon Jesus. But it is Peter that Jesus reinstates. It is Peter, on the day of Pentecost, who preaches a sermon that leads 3000 into the Kingdom. It is Peter that Jesus says His church is built upon.

Peter is hot-headed, loud, in-your-face. And though John declares himself the disciple that Jesus loves, I suspect it is Peter who you would invite to your party because he kept things interesting.

I constantly say inappropriate things at the worst of times. I've walked on water and then denied Jesus in the next breath. What I want, desire, long for in my life is to know Jesus more, for Him to clean my entire being, to be wholly His.

I want to do the "greater things than this." I'm not satisfied with my life as it is at the moment. I want to daily live my life as the salt of the earth, showing Jesus to those with whom I come into contact, but I also want to preach a message that is so full of Jesus and the Holy Spirit and so empty of me that 3001 people come to know Jesus Christ. I want to pray for the sick and have Jesus heal them. I want to see the lame walk, the blind see, and the dead raised. I'm not satisfied with a mundane existence.

The pox

2007-01-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

Well, we've got the pox. The chicken pox that is. Not me...I had them when I was seven. My niece. Who will be seven in a few days. Who is quarrantined for seven days.

**Edit: The oldest and the middle kids have the pox. I've suggested that we mingle the youngest with the older two and just get this thing over with. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

Itchy.
Calamine lotion.
Chicken jokes.
Cabin fever.
Thank God for the Nintendo DS.

Oh yeah. We asked the doctor. We're not contagious. Only the pocky one is.

A close friend of my family--the man who introduced my mom and dad on the blind date that led to marriage four weeks later--had a stroke last night. His right side is non-functional, and he is unable to speak. Please pray for healing for him. I've seen God work a miracle already this week. So, I buh-lieve.

Thanks!

Late night phone calls

2007-01-08T09:04:00.000-05:00

Last night I received a text message from a friend. "Havin an amazin but hard god moment. pray 4 me." So I responded, and she called. And we talked for over two hours.

I was on the phone with my friend from Cali. It's really interesting to witness what God is doing in her life. I loathe the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words any longer out of self-pity and a desire to have their ears tickled. But I love the conversations where my friends are crying so hard that I cannot understand their words but I hear their hearts crying out for the Lord...to heal their hurts, to deliver them from temptation, to give them the strength that is needed to follow Him.

As she was weeping, all I could tell her is that she is right where God wants her. In a small world. In a tough situation. In the crucible. In the middle of the fire.

I wanted to catch a flight to Cali. I actually had a dream that I caught the plane. I wanted to tell her to walk away from the pain, to do something to numb the pain.

But, that would have been a soulish, worldly response. The godly response is to lead her to the foot of the cross, to allow the stripes He endured to heal those deep wounds.

Maybe I am called to do this thing for which God signed me up. It seems to be so.

Sunday...football...

2007-01-07T17:31:00.000-05:00

This morning started out rough! Screaming kids (not ill, just on sugar highs) until 2AM coupled with having to get up relatively early equals a slow start. Add in losing my glasses (without which I am blinder than a bat--since I don't have that radar sonar thing going for me) and my blood pressure was a bit high from the beginning.

But church was...amazing. God has a way of confirming what He is speaking...especially when I am questioning His voice vs. my imagination. Pastor John preached about salt. I'm sure that you have no idea what that is significant...haha

Football. My Pats didn't let me down. The cooled those NY Jets.

And today I learned something new. Not all quarterbacks are pretty boys. If you don't believe me, check out the highlight reel for the Jets on SportsCenter tonight.

How does salt lose its saltiness?

2007-01-06T11:27:00.000-05:00

Last week at prayer, Pastor John posed a question to us: How does salt lose its saltiness? The question leads to more questions. Is the reference literal or is it figurative? Coming from a scientific background, I logically thought this thing through.

The first question that must be addressed is this. What is the chemical composition of the salt? Is it table salt, NaCl? For the sake of this argument, we'll assume that Jesus is speaking of table salt. When NaCl is combined with water, it is a mixture, not another compound. No discernible chemical reaction occurs. The salt particles enjoy the extra space of not being in crystal form, but the vast majority of the salt molecules don't mingle with the water--ie share electrons.

The only way for salt to lose its saltiness, from a chemical perspective, is for a chemical reaction to occur. NaCl is a very stable substance. The chemical bond is very tight. You see, sodium and chlorine are happy to become one and share their one electron. Things work out really well for them...they are like the happily married couple that just loves to be married, not matter what hits the fan.

NaCl is used for many purposes. It is used to add flavor to food; it is used to draw out the water in foods; it is used to cure food for longevity; it is used to create traction on icy roads. (Calcium chloride is actually used for this purpose more, but if you don't have any of that sitting around, you can use table salt to create traction on your front step on a snowy day.) I believe that salt was even used for antiseptic purposes.

So, for salt to lost is pungent saltiness, or change its physical composition, it would have to be diluted in water because it is non-reactive in its crystalline form. Or electricity would have to be introduce to force the sodium chloride into its ionic components thereby changing its chemcial composition.

So, for the Christian, for the salt of the earth, to lose his degree of saltiness, the Gospel would have to diluted in his life. This person is the complacent Christian, the person who does not protect the Truth of the gospel in his life from the rainfall of other ideas and ideologies--Buddhism, Islam, American culture. This person mixes the Truth with a myriad of other ideologies.

Or perhaps this Christian is a skeptic. You know, the hair splitting Christian. They say that they believe in Jesus, but they don't really want their lives to be changed. "I know that the Bible says that premarital sex is not acceptable, but does that pertain to 2007?" "I know that the Bible says that I should not lie. Does that mean on my taxes too?" Skepticism is an electric shock to the Truth contained in the gospel. Instead of planting faith the size of a mustard seed, it creates doubt that is as wide as the Grand Canyon.

Thereby I assert that the question that the Christian, the Christ follower must ask is not necessarily, "How does salt lose its saltiness?" Rather the question should be, "How then can I maintain my saltiness?"

Jonah comic

2007-01-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

Favour

2007-01-04T23:31:00.000-05:00

Today I had a great meeting with one of my contacts with the Township of Voorhees. For the record, when she retires, I want her job!

I marvel at God and how He has poured out so much favor on this ministry. The township is having a picnic in June, and this woman insisted that we take part, so I told her yes. She is planning a good spot for us--a place where we'll have maximum exposure to the 2500 or so people who will be in attendance. We can put out "some brochures" or whatever we want. Apparently God is making an impact in one of the most affluent, one of the most Jewish townships in Southern NJ. Most townships hide the churches in the back of the picnics, afraid of the cheese that may occur. We're being put in a prominent spot.

The families who received the Christmas presents from us where positively overwhelmed by the generosity of The Sanctuary. I read the notes and attempted not to get too emotional. I never want to do what I do for the smiles of the people. I want to do what I do for the smile of God. God changed the lives of a few people who not in good circumstances right now. For His birthday. That must have made Him smile. I know I love to give presents and watch people open them. Imagine the look on God's face when He watched the parents smile as their children opened presents on Christmas. That is what makes me want to cry tears of joy.

The moral of the story is this. Today, I consciously focused my attention on God and what He wants. Yesterday I was a bundle of nerves focusing on me. Today, I was blessed by God as He showed me what an impact we can have on His people. I hope and pray that tomorrow I wake up and think first of Him.

Friends

2007-01-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

So, tonight I discovered yet another heart issue that needs to be addressed. My mind. My mind goes places that it should not go. I've not heard from a friend in a few days, and I thought she was mad at me. Can you say insecure? Tonight we talked for an hour, and everything is, of course, just fine. She's been really busy and I've been preoccupied.

*wipes sweat off brow*

*Disclaimer*

As you can tell, I use my blog to write out what I am going through. It's my hope that I present the problem and the resolution. This blog is raw. Yeah, I'm pointing out the obvious. I honestly never thought I'd have anyone read it. And now that I do, I'm trying not to be too self-conscious. For me, this is a learning experience, albeit a public learning experience.

What a day

2007-01-03T18:00:00.000-05:00

It's rare to find me, of all people, at a loss for words. I've been trying to surrender my fear for days now. I was able to keep it below the surface for the past few days, but today...not so much.

The rites of passage for women, for adults have changed so greatly over the past few decades. I remember in the late 80's, the rite of passage was the dreaded HIV test. Today, for women, it is the unexpected lump.

Today as I sat in the mammography suite, laughing at the soap opera featuring a transvestite attempting to woo a lesbian, I found myself confused, angry, and feeling sorry for the women who came and left by themselves. The lady who was waiting next to me struck me the hardest because her fear was palpable. I do not know her, and probably will never see her again, but her face will stick with me for a long time.

I've never had really good, tried and true friends. It's only in the past few years that I've actually learned what a friend is, and how to be a friend. (I'm still learning the how part, FYI.) So today while I was waiting for my friend to have her test, I couldn't help but question God. I know that He's sovereign. I know that He has her best interest at heart. I know that whatever this thing is will, in the long run, glorify Him. But the thought of my friend going through this thing, that breaks my heart. And it scares the snot out of me.

I suppose it appears that I'm not at a loss for words. The only way to aptly express what I'm experiencing right now is a guttural groan that is loud and deep.

Seminary...once again

2007-01-02T18:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been conditionally accepted to Liberty. Yesterday I received an email (on New Year's Day) saying that I could begin taking classes because they've received my application.

Today, however, I received an email from my admissions dude saying that they did not receive about 2/3 of my paperwork...umimportant things like transcript requests, the seminary questionaire. You know...papers that have my social security number on them. Hopefully it's merely an oversight on his part.

Edit: They have received all of the papers. It helps to check voicemail, eh?

So, I'm going to seminary folks. I am really excited. The more I look at the classes I have to take, and the number of classes I have to take, I'm getting a bit overwhelmed.

Lord, I surrender all to You. Even school.

Search my heart oh God

2007-01-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

Sunday in church, Pastor John talked about the hard work, heart work that God is going to do in 2007. I know that my heart needs work...man do I know that.

This morning, I had a run-in with my heart. I'm a chronic people-pleaser. I always have a "valid" reason for wanting to please people. But, considering my choice of vocation, or rather the vocation that has been chosen for me, I have to stop this cycle. I have to let my yes be yes and my no be no. Even if it causes hurt feelings. Even if it makes me or the person receiving the answer they do not desire to be uncomfortable.

I have a discerning spirit. I know when I am supposed to say yes, and when I am supposed to say no. Now, I have to utilize the gift that God has given me.

And now I have the opportunity to have a tough conversation with a friend. I like to think of this as an opportunity for growth.

Saddam Hussein

2007-01-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to post on this subject for a few days, but haven't taken the time.

The other night, Saddam Hussein was hanged. I fully agree with the sentence, because of the horrific acts, the terror he inflicted on the nation of Iraq. Because of the thousands of people who died, at his order or by his hand, because of their ethnicity, because they did not win a gold medal, because he was having a bad hair day.

But, when I heard that he died, I wept. I wept because there is another soul in hell. I wept because there are so many people on their way to hell. Because noone has told them. Because they cannot see the glory of God throughout the earth. Because they believe the lie that Islam is truth. Because their hearts have been hardened by life, by negative experiences in churches or with the Church.

So, this year, as I work on surrendering my life more wholly to the Lord, I want my prayer life to be radically transformed. Lord, may I not be so short-sighted to only think of myself, my friends and my family. May I daily be reminded of the billions of people who do not yet know You.

Auld Lang Syne

2006-12-31T23:10:00.000-05:00

Do I win? These lyrics are from an official Scottish website :-)

Lyrics to Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

Glossary of Terms
auld lang syne - times gone
bybe - pay for
braes - hills
braid - broad
burn - stream
dine - dinner time
fiere - friend
fit - foot
gowans - daisies
guid-willie waught - goodwill drink
monie - many
morning sun - noon
paidl't - paddled
pint-stowp - pint tankard
pou'd - pulled
twa - two

Adios 2006

2006-12-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm kicking off the new year in style. This afternoon I had real Asian food for lunch. Yummy! I wish I had the guts to say thank you in Mandarin. Not so much. Maybe next time.

I watched The Holy Grail, but I have to be honest. That's not really the kind of movie that one can watch by oneself. Now that I think about it, I'm still waiting for my movie night. Hmmm...mental note to self. Put that on the resolutions for '07.

I've been trying to formulate a proper 2006 post. I don't know if I can do it. So much happened that I find it very difficult to constrain that amazingness, the magnitude of what God has done in the past six months, let alone the past year. So, I'll try to highlight a few things, but know for everything I mention, I am leaving out so much.

God stuff
In 2006, I have learned who I am in Christ. I have learned who God is in a new way. I have fallen deeper in love with my Lord each day. God has restored what the locusts have stolen in many areas of my life. He has brought me places that I never thought I would go spiritually. I am learning what intimacy with the Lord really is. I've learned how to lean on Him in the good times and in the bad. And, I'm learning not to ask why.

The Sanctuary
I'm not a church groupie. I've been there, done that and have the scars on my heart to prove it. But, what I am is a part of something that is so much bigger than myself. God has healed so many areas of my life through this church. I'm not afraid of church, of pastors, of leadership any longer. I admit that I am a little less apt to jump in without much consideration, but all in all, God is amazing. I love my church. I love the people with whom I have the opportunity to worship God on a weekly basis.

The Family
My sister and Tim, after 15 years of "not rushing into anything" and having three kids, finally got married in May. They had a beautiful wedding in Tim's mom's back yard. Fun was had by all. My memories of the wedding? Waiting for an hour for the flower woman to arrive at the church to drop off flowers; yelling at Tim to get into the house because he was about to be married; being completely and utterly embarassed when the best man caught the garter and I caught the bouquet and yeah. I'm really proud of my sister and Tim for doing the right thing and getting married.

The Friends
This year reintroduced friends into my life that I thought were out of my life, and it has seen friends leave my life who I thought were in this thing for the long haul. I'm developing new friendships with some amazing people, including my pastor and his wife. God continues to blow my mind in this realm of my life. One area in which I will be growing in 2007 is how to be a friend.

Coming in 2007
My plan, my goal, my desire for 2007 is to grow in intimacy with the Lord, to surrender everything unto Him. I will begin seminary. Other than that, I am jumping into the car, buckling up my seatbelt, getting my hands and feet into the car and enjoying the ride.

Happy New Year my friends!

A day in my life...

2006-12-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

I should be sleeping, like a normal person who has to get up in the morning. But...I'm not normal, and I'm only a little sleepy.

I have to much to say tonight, so many thoughts going through my head that my writing ability is clogged.

I ran into people that I've not seen for quite some time...one made me happy and one made me sad.

I made a new contact who I suspect can turn into, at the very least, a partnership of sorts. A really neat lady with a really neat vision with a really neat store...the cornerstone of the Eagle Plaza in Voorhees. Speaking with her reminded me of what God has called me to do, and that I am on the right path.

I watched a movie that made my life appear much more...simple? isolated? spoiled? I don't really know how I feel about my life, but I do know that I want to make a difference in the third world, not just in the US. Acts 1:8 challenges us to go into all of the world and make disciples. For now, I'm here in NJ. Once God opens the door for short term trips, I'm on the next plane.

That's today in a nutshell. A whole bunch of pieces that seem not to fit together that equal a day in my life.

And I can't wait until tomorrow.

Snapper soup

2006-12-30T11:33:00.000-05:00

There are times when I am ultra-sensitive, and then there are times when I am ulra-dense. One of my best friends shared something with me, and I thought, "Ok."

I guess that I still think that I, and all of my close friends, are immortal. A regular band of superheroes. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, it occured to me that we are not.

And then I went into turtle mode. You know. A strong exterior, but my insides were snapper soup.

Last night, I prayed from the depths of my soul for my friend. Deep gut prayers that only God could possibly understand. I know a few things. I know that by His stripes, she is healed. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I know that with the faith of a fennel, I mean mustard seed, mountains can be moved.

I know that there are only two things that I can do for her right now. I know that I can pray for her, because God hears my prayers. And I know that I can be a friend to her...learn how to be the friend that she needs me to be right now, for such a time as this.

Inserting foot into mouth

2006-12-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

Last night, after much anticipation, I finally met my friend Brenda's boyfriend. I went in with a very poor attitude, I admit.

I have no qualms about admitting when I am wrong. And I was wrong about him. He is a great guy. He looks at her like, "I really dig you!" He totally has her best interest at heart, and is not afraid to tell her when she's wrong. And when he does tell her that she's wrong, he does it with a gentle spirit, not a, "You are stupid" spirit.

So, if she were to call me tonight and tell me that he proposed, I'd be happy for her. Yes, I still have some reservations about him not being as passionate about God as she is, but I'm pretty sure that he would not stand in the way of her relationship with God.

So, there you have it.

Anxiety vs. Truth

2006-12-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up anxious. Anxious because I'm not in Hammonton, working at my friend's salon. Anxious because I'm still not feeling 100%, heck even 75% better from this cold. Anxious because I need to find a job. Anxious because I've taken the first step toward seminary and now the "reality" of it is setting in.

So, I open up my gmail box, and this is what I find.

So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word. Hebrews 10:23. (Amplified Bible)

Apparently God was not surprised because I woke up anxious. He has things under control. My problem right now is that I don't. But, like I said, that is my problem. Not God's. Mine.

My responsibility? That is another thing. My responsibility is found in Matthew 6:33-34.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble. (Amplified Bible)

So, God has everything under control. My job is to recognize this, walk in this, and live this out. Interesting concept for a control freak. But, I have to also remember what Jesus said in John 15:16:

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in My Name [as presenting all that I AM], He may give it to you. (Amplified Bible)

You see, I didn't choose this life. Yes, I'm choosing to walk out the dreams that God has for my life. I'm choosing to walk this thing out in faith. But it is Jesus who has called me. And where He gives the vision, He gives the provision.

I do believe that, for the first time in a while, I'm scared senseless. And I couldn't be more full of joy.

Nevermind my churning stomach. :-)

Awkward moments

2006-12-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, Isabella and I ran some errands. We went to Trader Joe's because I've been craving quinoa and chard. (My family insists that I must be pregnant because of my cravings. I'm not. So don't worry.) I ran into someone from ROL. She looked at me as if she were seeing a ghost. Apparently noone knows I'm back in NJ. I got yelled at on Saturday for that too, though I know that she knew I was back in town.

The small talk and knee jerk reactions of "chance" encounters are always interesting. We spoke of trite issues...how is married life, where are you working. There were no questions about what God is doing in our lives; no mention of the big, white elephant that constantly stands in the room whenever I talk to someone from ROL. I'm surprised that we didn't talk about how unseasonably warm the weather is.

Tonight I'm going to visit a friend from California. I believe I will meet the man that she intends to marry tonight. There's just a small problem with my ever supporting that idea. He is not a Christian, and she is. But she knows that "one day...blah blah blah." I'm sure that everything will be lovely, and that I'll leave knowing that I will never get those few hours of my life back.

You see, life is black and white. I have a friend who would love to date me. The problem is, among many other problems, is that his passions do not line up with mine. Even if he were everything else that I asked God for in a husband, I would not date him.

Revolution

2006-12-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

Today I was at the library, helping my niece and nephews find some books to expand their brains and focus their minds on something other than their DS's. As I entered the door, I saw a book that I'd intended to read somewhere down the line. Revolution by George Barna. I heard about it on the Catalyst podcast. Good stuff.

On one of the first nine pages of the book, he asks his reader to read through the entire book before passing judgment. I almost passed judgment before I got to page ten. But I pressed through because I almost felt as if I had made a commitment to follow through.

Now, my mind is swimming with so many different ideas, concepts that I had to put the book down, for my sanity. One of the concepts mentioned is that Christians are not to be members of a church, but they are to be the church. What an amazing idea. One that many people I know are living out daily.

So far, the book is good. I'd recommend it. But, as this book has been out for a few months, you all probably know about it.

Seminary

2006-12-26T19:08:00.000-05:00

Well, kids. I did it. I applied to seminary. The application and the check are in the mail.

Liberty University. So that I can live in NJ and study via distance learning.

I actually did it.

Christmas presents

2006-12-26T11:02:00.000-05:00

I remember my first mission trip to Arizona. It was emotionally and physically the most difficult trip to date, of all of my trips. Somehow my zeal for missions was exponentially increased. Definitely a "God thing."

One day, during a devotional time, God gave me a scripture that I immediately internalized. "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37-38. I recall where I was sitting, the smell of the air, the color of the sky, tinged with the rays of the setting sun. In my heart, at that moment, I vowed to take up my cross and follow my Savior at any cost. For me, it is and always has been a no-brainer.

Other scriptures elude me, regardless of how I try to embody them. I've always related to Martha more than Mary. Generally--at home, at work, at church, I'm the one running around, cleaning up dishes, cooking dinner, setting things up, tearing things down, making sure everything is running smoothly for the feast. I've read, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. I've tried to put Jesus' yoke on. I've recited this scripture countless times. I've begged God for His yoke. I've cried bitter tears, wondering why God would forsake me and not allow me rest.

This Christmas, God gave me a gift--actually many gifts--for which I have been asking. Looking at the past few months, I've actually had the gifts and have been walking in them. I spent much of Christmas day with the Jacksons. I had the opportunity to talk trash on my pastor as my team beat his at "Deal or No Deal." I was heckled by him as my Cowboys were crushed by his Eagles. I really enjoyed my Christmas--no stress, no weirdness, no aggravation. As I was driving home down Rt. 70, I heard Matthew 11:28-30. And I realized that I now have Jesus yoke. My soul is truly at rest.

When you are where God has called you to be, doing what He has created you to do, your soul can rest. It is the natural effect of walking in His will. For the first time in my life, I am not looking for the next opportunity to jet off to another place in the world. I am satisfied in NJ because I know that this is where God wants me. He hand-picked The Sanctuary, Pastor John, Voorhees Township to be in my life for such a time as this. Yes, my family life is chaotic at best. Yes, I need a less temporary job. But, even in those tings I find favor in my Savior's sight. Because I am where God has called me to be, doing what He's called me to do.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T08:04:00.000-05:00

Last night at the Christmas Eve service, Pastor Kathy showed us a figurine of Santa kneeling at the manger. It really struck me that someone thought to make something in which Santa honored Jesus. So, I present this image to you today.

I hope and pray that you have a blessed Christmas. I pray that the Lord blesses you with peace and joy on this, His birthday.

Merry Christmas!

Isaiah 9:6-7

6 For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

7 Of the increase of his government and peace

there will be no end.

He will reign on David's throne

and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

with justice and righteousness

from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the LORD Almighty

will accomplish this.

Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

What a day. I am so overwhelmed by everything. Our Christmas Eve service was so us. The music was really lovely. The scripture reading was eventful. The poetry was awesome. I was taken aback by the way that our service celebrated who Jesus is. Not only what He did, but who He is. I cannot overemphasize that. Wow.

I lost my voice. That is a problem. Because I didn't realize how much I like to talk until I couldn't. It's coming back, though. Thank God.

I got some cool gifts. I got a journal to help me write the book I've begun. I have sketched out the skeleton of the book--the general direction of the book and chapter names. Don't worry. I'll share. I also got a cool necklace that Natalie made for me. It has magnetic beads...hopefully I'll be coordinated enough to wear it gracefully. It's really, really cool.

Colleen and I went to lunch and had our standard conversation. "Wow. Can you believe that this is where we go to church?" "Wow. How awesome was that service?" "Wow." To put this in perspective, it's been over six months since I've been attending The Sanctuary. And for six months, after church, I stand amazed that God has placed me in this place. A place where my pastors invited me over to their house for Christmas. A place where I see people thriving in who God has called them to be, no matter who that person may be. Wow.

Tonight I went to Hammonton United Methodist Church for their Christmas Eve service. If you live in the area, you should check out that church. The pastor is a friend of mine, and she is a woman who is after God's heart. Again, I left the service saying, "Wow!"

God is awesome. Nothing more can be added to that statement.

The Nativity Story/Christmas

2006-12-23T19:52:00.000-05:00

What an amazing day.

The Nativity Story was a great hit. We had about 175 people, give or take a few. I didn't know what to expect when I went into the theater. Yeah, I'd seen the trailers. But the movie was great. I only saw about 2/3 of the movie, with policing my niece and nephew and trips to the potty. But, what I saw was great.

Today was a colliding of my worlds. People from ROL were in attendance; my aunt, niece and nephew were there; people from The Sanctuary were there. Seeing Coach, Dawn, Bonnie and Joanna made me emotional...I realized how much I really miss them. But, I also realized how much I belong where I am. I wouldn't go back for all of the money in the world.

My pastor made a great impression on my family. Isaac said, "He's cool." My aunt said, "He's wicked nice." Isaac doesn't just say that people are cool without coaxing. So he meant it. And my aunt doesn't like people, so when she says someone is nice, she means it.

I just found out that my parents are going to grandmom's for Christmas day. And my sister is planning on spending the day in her jammies. So, I'm looking to be adopted for the day. I wash dishes, and I'm a pretty good cook. ~~If you're interested in my presence, let me know.~~ LOL

**Edit** I've been adopted for the day. I have the best friends and the best church in the entire world :-)

Christmas magic

2006-12-22T15:54:00.000-05:00

Today I was reminded of the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child. My aunt and I went to Macy's in Philadelphia. We saw the light show. When I was a child, one of my fondest memories of my grandfather was the time that he took my sister, my aunt and me to the light show--at the time, we went to Wanamakers. We took the train, so I remember walking up the stairs, the smell of the city, new to my nose, and all of the people.

The light show hasn't changed all that much...the twinkling lights, the order of the songs, the wide-eyed wonder of a large crowd of children, watching an amazing display. I was a seven-year-old child again mesmerized. I have to admit...I thoroughly enjoyed seeing life through the eyes of a child again.

Then we walked through the Dickens' Village, also in Macy's. It was lovely...a walk-through rendition of A Christmas Carol. Very nice. Even though I expected it, the end part when Scrooge has his change of heart always makes me cry. The jolly old guy who told me "Bah humbug" when I refused to sit on Father Christmas' lap...he's another story. I wanted to sock him.

I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. And, for this adult, some of the magic has been recpatured.

It helps that I am falling more deeply in love with my Savior each day as well.

Day three

2006-12-21T19:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I lived. I didn't cry. I only got mildly frustrated. I got my eyebrows done...with absolutely no redness. I'm going to ask Bev to give Carolyn a raise.

My aunt is in town from MA, so we're spending the night in Philadelphia :-) Woohoo!

I'll write more tomorrow...

Until then....have a fabulous night!

New plan of attack

2006-12-21T07:02:00.000-05:00

I've come up with a plan for survival today. I'm going to look at the women with whom I work as if they were on the Island of Misfit Toys ala Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I work with a bunch of Charlie in the Boxes. They all have character and personality, but they are broken people. Just like me.

I have to remember that different personalities compensate in different ways for their brokenness. I also have to remember that, in the creative world, there is a lot of ego and pride.

And I have to remember that it is ok for me not to be good at everything. I can't do everything. There are some things I can't do. And it's ok. This mini-therapy session brought to you, for free, by the struggle for perfection that occurs constantly in my head.

Blessed, broken and given. That is my life in a nutshell. Thanks for the reminder :-)

Day two...

2006-12-20T18:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived day two. Not without tears. But I survived.

We had a surprise visitor today. Pastor John came to visit. What a great surprise.

I'm not really cut out for salon life. I cannot and will not make any more off-the-cuff references about business school. In a former life, I was really good at the minute details of a business. In a former life, I enjoyed the minutia. But now...not so much.

The highlight of my day, aside from talking with my pastor and the Methodist pastor in Hammonton, was talking to a man who was drinking a beer "covertly" out of a brown paper bag. And talking to random people this morning at the train station who just needed to talk. That is the stuff I was made to do.

Ironically, that is what, at one time, was my nightmare. I hated having to talk to people.

The lesson that I'm learning is that I cannot define myself by the "I am's" that I have used for so long. I have a grasp on who I was. Learning who I am, who I am becoming, well that is a daily adventure. I'm really enjoying it.

Chaos to order

2006-12-20T06:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a tough day. Today, I'm going in on the offense. I have plans, spreadsheets and goals for today.

I don't work well in chaos, but I think that when you are helping someone begin something new, you have to understand and experience their chaos to understand what will make them work in an ordered chaos.

Here's hoping :-)

Doubters

2006-12-19T21:43:00.000-05:00

*mental note to self: don't blog immediately upon arriving home with really low blood sugar*

Now that I got that out of the way :-)

This morning, I was reading my Bible *gasp* trying to comprehend John 15...you know, the whole abiding thing. Only, instead, I read John 14. Therein is a scripture that is quoted and quoted and quoted: John 14:6 says, Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the FAther except through me." That scripture is a comfort to me.

But I never noticed the first two words. "Jesus answered." Have you ever realized that Thomas asked a question to which Jesus made that reply? You know. Thomas. The disciple that needed to see the holes in Jesus' hands and feet and side. Doubting Thomas we like to call him.

Over the next two weeks, I'm going to have the opportunity to be around a doubting Thomas. My friend Brenda's boyfriend is supposed to be in town with her for Christmas. He's done a lot of research about God, but he still has doubts about God.

But this morning, I learned something. The doubters among us ask questions. About things that some of us take for granted. If Thomas hadn't asked Jesus, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?" then Jesus may not have made the statement that many of us find so comforting.

So, yeah. Doubters ask questions that demand good answers.

Working gal

2006-12-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

Today I re-entered what some consider to be "the real world." I am now working in a salon. As a receptionist/marketing person/coffee & food grabber/anything else that needs to be doner. Yeah. Today I accomplished...well...nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Though I did get my hair colored and cut.

Tomorrow I have to get the nuts and bolts of the place going...figure out the register (how to program it, etc.) I have to get some sort of filing system in place. I have to make sure that I eat lunch so that I don't wind up flat after a few hours.

I have to dig deep to get this done. I am working for a friend...a good friend...so I want to do the best job that I can possibly do. And I want to leave this situation still friends. So...to accomplish both goals, I'll certainly need God's grace and wisdom.

And I have to remember...right now, I'm making tents and building the Kingdom. How, I don't know. But I know I am. This is the door that God has allowed to be opened right now. So...that must mean that this is something that He wants me to do. Character building. Good stuff. Right?

Busy, busy day

2006-12-18T17:44:00.000-05:00

The four scariest words strung together are the following: I read your blog.

Since I am so shy and introverted, and I don't write all that much, I always have to wonder: what is it that I said?!?!?!?!

Today was awesome, amazing, fabulous, fantastic...I could go on and on. Beth, Ehrin and I delivered the presents to Voorhees Township. After we spoke with Grace, we ran into the Director of Economic Development. He and Grace were talking about us, and one of them said, "They are a great addition to our community, aren't they?" Wow. We're not only the church that gives, but now we're also "a great addition to the community." It just gets better and better.

Then we went over to the trailer to see our friend Val. She and the ladies loved the cookies. They wanted to know about the church. We had a good time kibbitzing with them. I look forward to seeing what God develops over the next few months.

After I left Beth and Ehrin, I delivered some cookies to the VTPD. The dispatcher who accepted the cookies appeared perplexed. But I think that they'll wind up enjoying the cookies as well. I also went to the new Christian bookstore in the Eagle Plaza. I had a nice chat with the woman who works there...her husband is a pastor in Camden. That store has a little bit of everything.

I actually accomplished everything on my mental to-do list. So, it's free sailing from here on out. Rumor has it that I start working at the salon tomorrow. That should be interesting.

Ouch

2006-12-18T08:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, after church, we were talking with Pastor John and Beth.

All of a sudden, we found ourselves talking about blogs. I mentioned that I had written that I want to be anywhere but NJ. Some more comments were made, and then Pastor John looked away and said, "You see. Deneen lives here, but she lives elsewhere." If that is not the exact quote, it's what I heard.

Ouch.

More conversation was had. A day was lived. But that comment stuck with me. Not in a bad way. But more in a this is something on which I have to work kind of way.

I've spent 31 years wishing I was somewhere else. To quote George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, "The three best sounds in the world are a plane engine, a train whistle and the sound of an anchor pulling up." I love to travel, even if it means getting on a PATCO train to go into Philadelphia.

However, I have to learn to abide where I am. I've never known so clearly that God has placed me here for such a time as this. The things that I see Him doing in my life right now, His constant presence, His words of encouragement, correction. He's placed me in a church where I am held accountable. Not the kind of accountability that makes me hide who I am. The kind of accountability that allows me to be who I am. He's given me something for which I have been asking for a long time.

One day we were singing "To the Ends of the Earth" by Hillsong United. The worship leader asked the congregation, "Would you go to the ends of the earth for God? What if the ends of the earth, for you, is NJ." I remember crying bitterly. However, those words have stuck deep within my heart. I've been crying out for years, "Here I am, lord. Send me." It seems that He's saying, "Deneen, I already have."'

Ouch.

So, my lesson for this week, month, 2007 seems to be learning to abide right here, where I am, in NJ.

Christmas

2006-12-17T18:06:00.000-05:00

There are some days when I am utterly and totally amazed at what God does. And then there are days like today. Days when there are literally no words.

The Sanctuary is, by far, the most generous church that I've attended. We adopted two families this Christmas. God's not only supplied every request made, I'm fairly certain that their expectations have been exceeded!!! Tomorrow I have the opportunity to take the items, along with two beautiful women from my church, to the township. I am completely astonished by the generosity of this group of people. I can only imagine how overwhelmed the township will be. The families...I can't even fathom.

Today at lunch, a "chance" encounter occured. Colleen and I ran into old friends from our old church...my former pastor's sister and her family. It was awesome because there was no weirdness, no awkward pause. It just was. Movie tickets were offered...they will be coming to see The Nativity Story along with Jim and Dawn, her parents. I cannot wait. God has done so much healing in the past two months. I actually want them to come to the movie. Just because I want to see them, love them, hug them...it's amazing how sometimes I don't realize that I miss people until I see them. Weird, eh?

It's a Wonderful Life 2006

2006-12-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

OK. I promised myself that I wouldn't post another blog tonight, but...I just finished my annual viewing of It's a Wonderful Life, and well...yeah.

This year I picked up a lot of things that I never saw before. For instance, George Bailey is a rather sarcastic fellow. I don't recall him ever saying, "Yeah, you look like the angel I'd get," when Clarence announces that he is George's guardian angel. I chuckled out loud.

This year in particular I really understood George's frustration about wanting to travel. I love my life. I love where I am right now. But...there is a small part of me...ok, a huge part of me that wants to be anywhere but NJ. Well, anywhere but Worcester, MA. Just being honest.

And...there is always a part of me that wonders if I have done anything of real significance with my life. I do not require the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future to show me the impact I've had on lives. I don't need Clarence to remove all evidence of my existence to see what I've done. Is it human nature? Or is it some psychosis in me? Or is it both?

So, thankfully I won't be watching the movie until next year. Who knows what the It's a Wonderful Life post of 2007 will look like? Well, I know Someone who does, but He's not divulging any of those secrets to me :-) Probably a good thing. Otherwise I have a suspicion I'd be scared to death.

Random Saturdayness

2006-12-16T19:30:00.000-05:00

I can't wait until tomorrow. I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of my church. I've heard so many reports of things that our people are buying for the families in Voorhees. I've become overwhelmed, almost to the point of tears just listening to people talk, excited about their purchases. I have no idea how I'm going to not cry tomorrow when I actually see the items. *mental note to self: no make-up tomorrow, or at least waterproof mascara*

I've baked myself senseless today. I can go no further. Tomorrow...is another day. In the worst case scenario, we're not going to the township until the afternoon, so I should be able to bang out a few dozen cookies on Monday morning after the kids go to school. I want to make up a few trays of homemade cookies for our contacts...and for the VTPD. They had to hunt down a carjacker this week. God bless the men in blue. I couldn't do their job.

That's about the totality of my mental capacity for the evening. Now I have to prepare for It's a Wonderful Life. And remember. Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets it wings :-)

Lessons learned by the Grinch

2006-12-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight was my first Sanctuary Christmas party. I learned a few valuable lessons that will not leave my memory for a long time, and I have some thoughts about life in general that I think it's time to divulge.

First of all, I learned not to have a bad attitude about games. If you do, you will be labeled The Grinch. Literally. You'll have to wear the tag on your back and then on your arm. For the whole night.

Secondly, I learned that calories cannot and must not be considered real on the night of a gathering of the people of The Sanctuary. I thought that I did pretty well with my eating tonight. However, I am avoiding sharp objects at all costs because I'm afraid that if I come into contact with a sharp object that I may pop.

I think that the person who invented the chocolate fountain is evil incarnate. Who can resist flowing chocolate? If you are one of the ten people in the world who don't like chocolate, shame on you :-) Seriously, though. If you add together the flowing chocolate and the handmade marshmallows, you have a PMS dream come true. (Sorry gentlemen. But...yeah...it's true.)

Seriously. I've been to some church functions involving food. But I've never been to a function where the people brought so much food that two trays of food were thrown in the trash. Usually people bring a bit of this and that. But at The Sanctuary, we all bring enough food to feed the entire clan. Oh yeah. Did I mention that all of the food was out of this world??? Usually I find something about which I can complain, because I am a food snob. Not tonight.

I was so apprehenisve about going to the party. I always have anxiety about being in groups of people. I love people, but I'm not good at small talk and mingling. I'm just not a good mingler. But tonight was awesome. God has placed me in such a great group of people. Quirky, funny, caring, generous, compassionate.

I thank God for The Sanctuary. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a million more times. It is what I always thought church could be, but never thought it would be.

On prayer

2006-12-15T07:35:00.000-05:00

Last night, I learned a valuable lesson...again.

As long as I can remember, I've enjoyed prayer. I love to win; I love going to battle. I relish having the opportunity to link arms with the Creator of the Universe to do His work here on earth.

But then bad teaching happened. And prayer turned into a club. A club into which you had to be invited; a club that required a class involving a book that, to this day, makes me feel all queasy (in a bad way, NOT a good way.)

Since the bad teaching, I've had some trouble in the prayer department. I've gone from storming the gates of Heaven for an answer to blandly asking God to do whatever. "You know, God, whatever Your will is will be fine for me," she said in a apathetic tone, afraid that her prayers were falling on deaf ears.

But then last night happened. I've been asking God for something, and last night He wanted specifics. It's not unheard of that God would want to know more details. There were so many instances in the Bible where people would come up to Jesus, and He would ask, "Well, what do you want? What can I do for you?" Jesus asked the lame man at the gate, "What do you want?" The man said he wanted to walk. So Jesus told him to walk. How about the woman with the issue of blood? She reached for the hem of Jesus' garment. He felt her touch the hem of His garment, and He told her that her faith had made her well. I could go on and on. The point is, Jesus wants us to be specific. Perhaps so that we can see the answer to our prayer, we can recognize it.

However, if I pray specifically without recognizing the sovereignty of God, without acknowledging that His timing and His will are perfect, I am praying a misguided prayer. I have the potential to become angry and jaded.

Prayer is conversation with God. God created us for relationship with Himself. Since He's not physically walking around my house with me, I have to pray to be in contact with Him.

So, I'm relearning what prayer is and what prayer is not. I have to learn the time for specifics and the time for praying for God to do as He wants in a situation. And that, my friends, is why I love prayer. It is not cut and dry. But it is.

Challenges and lions

2006-12-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

I'm being challenged. Again. To write. Again. Not just copious blogging, but actually getting out a pen and paper (so old-fashioned, I know) and write. I don't know what I will be writing. I don't know what it is that I have to offer aside from an offbeat sense of humor and my observations on life. So, I will begin that journey. I actually have a cool journal that will probably take the brunt of my writing. We will either be best friends or bitter enemies.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had in a while. I bounced between crying and being frustrated and asking the wrong questions. Right now I'm in the gap between my past and my future. I'm paying for past mistakes, and yesterday I allowed my present circumstances to dictate my perception of my future. Which is just silly. All things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (I fit into that category.) God will never leave me nor forsake me. God is restoring what the locusts have stolen--even if I left the door open for those things to be eaten.

Today's challenge is to remind myself of the Truth when the lies rear their ugly head. You know, I'd like to see Aslan take on the devil. I have a sneaking suspicion which lion would win :-)

From "reality" to faith

2006-12-13T14:53:00.000-05:00

There are so many things that I love about God. On some days, those are the same characteristics that I hate about Him. Did I just say that? Out loud? (Not really...I wrote it.)

For the last two mornings I woke up and watched Joyce Meyer. She has been teaching on managing your emotions...something that I certainly need more than a little help doing. So, I've watched, I've absorbed, I've amened. I've read the scripture that she gave, and went further. I've done all the right things.

Today I listened to a podcast from lifechurch.tv in Oklahoma City. They are currently in the middle of a series about the miracles that Jesus performed. I was tuned into the one about the calming of the storm.

Today something happened that shook me to the core. And I got scared. And I got angry. And I cried.

And I remembered what it is what I've been learning. I remembered that God has given me these emotions, but that it is my job to keep them in order. I remembered that when the disciples were on the boat, thinking that the storm was going to sink the boat, that Jesus got up and told the waves to be still. I remembered that the JOY of the Lord is my strength.

As I write this, the salt stains from my bitter tears still remain on my glasses. But...the fear, the discouragement, the anger, the disappointment has been replaced by joy, peace and faith.

I've tried do hard not to ask, "Why? Why me?" Instead, I've told God that I trust Him. Point blank period. So...there you have it.

Be careful of what you learn. Because you are bound to have to put it into practice.

I've not arrived at a destination. But I am on the right path.

Interviews...sigh

2006-12-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

OK. I have a rhetorical question. Why is it that I have been asked the same questions in every interview I've ever had and I always trip over the same questions??????????? Heck. I used to interview people and ask these questions!

What are your career goals?
Silence.
Well, I like totally want world peace. And I want all of the little kids in Asia and Africa to have food in their stomachs. And I want the new Coach handbag. Isn't it toooo cute?

Tell me about a bad customer interaction. How did you resolve the issue?
Silence.
Ummmm. Well...like, when I was totally working in Boston at an Asian language publisher, like we totally changed editions 'cause, like, we had to and like, uhhh...
*rolls eyes*

Tell me about a bad day at work.
Silence.
Ummmm...well...my boss once told me I'm disappointing because I forget to add a comma.
What?!?!?!??!?! Who says that?!?!?!??!!?!? That would be me.

Tell me about one of your best days at work.
Silence.
Ummmm....welll....yeah, so we ummm...

Put me in front of an official from a township, and I can talk politics, geothermal heathing in schools, how to build a church, how to eradicate hunger in Africa, endothermic chemical reactions. Put me in an interview, and I can barely remember my name.

Oh well...such is life.

Or perhaps it is because this is not the job that I am supposed to have. Yeah...how about, future seminarian, you add God to the equation. Duhhhhh.

I hope you weren't looking for deep thoughts here.

Hasta luego

2006-12-11T15:17:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we pray for God to grow people, to move them forward, but when it comes to pass, it is so difficult to bear?

Tonight I am sending a friend off to Green Bay. She was one of the first kids that I actually bonded with (on the same side of the fence) when I did youth ministry. I'll never forget the first time I saw her. I thought...wow. She's loud. She's intense. She's unique. I watched her attempt to put her contacts in for the minute she wanted to go without glasses. That didn't work out so well for her.

I've been a part of some of her darkest moments over the past seven years...and part of her greatest triumphs. I will never forget the pride that I felt when she was one of the student speakers at her graduation from FDU. I will also never forget how she tried to hide that she was dating that boy on that day as well.

I've stormed that gates of hell with her and for her. I've told her the truth more honestly than I've probably told anyone. I've seen her heart break and I've watched her accomplish things that most people many years her senior will never accomplish.

More than anything else, I've seen God's hand on this kid from the first moment that I met her. And now I've got to trust God, that He'll guide her, protect her heart, protect her from herself if necessary.

I know that this is part of what I'll experience when I'm a pastor. I know tha this is part of God's plan for her, because I prayed for God's will over her interview and over job offers. But why does it have to hurt so much?

Well...that is part of being human.

Heart on sleeve

2006-12-11T07:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was one of the most emotional days I've had in a long time. Seeing so many people who walked out of captivity made me so happy that all I could do was cry.

I noticed something. When you are in a place of freedom--freedome to be the person that God has created you to be, there is a greater capacity for love. Or--and this is probably correct as well--the healing that has occured has given me a greater ability to love.

You see, before this healing occured, as I was striving for perfection and to fit into some rapidly changing mould, people in general annoyed me. I mean really annoyed me. The people who really weren't trying--in my mind--drove me bonkers. I was so isolated in group think that I didn't see other people struggling. I didn't see others' pain because mine was so intense that I was completely blinded.

But now. Now. Glorious now. I see people, and I love them so much that it hurts. It makes me cry. Cry through smiles. Cry through hugs. Cry out of the pure joy that is welling up in my heart.

Christmas presents

2006-12-09T20:05:00.000-05:00

Either I'm verbose, or the rest of you are just quiet.

That being said....

Today was very interesting. I was preparing my presentation (as on a table, not to the congregation) for our gift giving to the township. All of a sudden it hit me that there are people who will not have the money for Christmas. And we have the privelege of allowing families to have Christmas. God is so awesome.

In the past, I was part of Christmas in Camden. We got all dressed up in our Christmas sweaters and Santa hats and walked throughout the blocks in North Camden that we'd adopted, and we gave away presents to the kids and food to the adults. I absolutely loved every minute of those frigid days. I enjoyed wrapping the presents beforehand. I love to give, so that part of me was fulfilled.

What we are doing now is a bit more meaningful for me...for where I am now and for where I'm going. We are giving anonymously, and we are giving the families the autonomy to buy what they would like their children to have. We are giving them the power to choose whatever Christmas dinner means to them.

I've heard the saying over and over: give someone a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach someone to fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life. I know that technically we're giving away fish. But, we're allowing these families to have dignity as well. Besides...is that whole fish thing in the Bible anyway? I can't seem to recall seeing it. If I'm wrong, I'm sure someone will let me know.

I'm not insulting what other people are doing. I just know that I would be mortified if someone showed up on my doorstep with a box of food and some gifts for my kids, no matter how desperately I needed the food.

Isn't it interesting how God works in different ways in different places, yet somehow meets the same needs? If you feed the poor...If you give clothing to the naked...If you give water to the thirsty...

A Christmas funny

2006-12-08T21:33:00.000-05:00

I really wish that the newcasters would think before they report the news.

My sister and her kids are watching Frosty the Snowman and Larry Mendte from CBS News comes one. He says, "Coming up at 11. A Santa who needs practice." There is a picture of Santa falling off of a roof.

My youngest nephew screamed. "OH NO! WHO'S GOING TO BRING US PRESENTS?!?!"

Let's think about this, people. Kids are your primary viewers. It's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN that we're viewing. How do you explain that to a five-year old?

Purity

2006-12-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

Throughout high school, people had a certain perception of me.

I didn't date until my senior year.

One of the fellows I dated was my friend, but a friend of ours convinced him that we should date. He tried to kiss me after homecoming and I...well...ducked my head and ran into the house, leaving him standing on my front step, speechless. That was, by far, my shining moment. Poor, poor guy.

Because I didn't date as much as my peers, people conceived the idea that I was...well...very pure. I was. That perception has followed me to this day.

That is a very difficult badge to wear.

You see, the fact of the matter is that there are mornings when I wake up alone and wonder, "Why? Why me Lord? Why is it taking so long?" My friends joke about why I'm single. We have a theory. The man who is man enough to marry me must be out wrestling lions and single-handedly fighting off tribes of cannibals. Poor guy. That will seem like nothing once he's married to me! :-)

It is not easy being sexually pure in this society. In case you live under a rock, sex is used as a marketing tool to sell anything and everything under the sun...cars, diapers, feminine products.

I decided when I was a young child that I wanted to wait until marriage to sleep with a man. I remember sitting on my wool, green carpet dedicating myself, body, mind and spirit to God. I remember promising God that I would wait to be married before I gave my body to anyone.

I remember crying the first time I broke that promise. I remember feeling my spirit die bit by bit everytime I broke that promise.

But, I also remember the moment that I decided enough is enough. I remember giving myself, body, mind and spirit to God once more. I remember Him washing me white as snow of the sins that I had commited. I remember how free I felt when I finally confessed to the One I love, and I choose not to abandon that freedom for a few minutes of gratification.

Chewing on this subject now, I realize that people see me as God sees me. I've taken offense to this so often. From this point forward, I will smile and look toward heaven whenever someone makes a comment.

As a brief addendum...please note that being alone does not equate to loneliness. I may not be married at the moment, but I am not lonely. I am enjoying this season on aloneness. I am learning that the holes in my life cannot be filled by people. They must be filled by the One who has called me into the season of aloneness.

And let me tell you...He is more than enough.

Elementary school choir concert

2006-12-07T14:02:00.000-05:00

Last night I took a walk down memory lane. My oldest nephew had his first holiday concert. He's in the choir this year.

It was really interesting to watch the kids. For some of the kids, it was their moment to shine, their one great moment that they will remember for the rest of their time on earth. For others, it was apparent that their parents forced them on stage...either to fulfill a parent's dream of for the already looming college applications. For yet others, this was just an annoyance...they knew that this was merely one instant in their lives. They were doing it to do it, but they knew that there was much more to life.

I think that we're doing a good job with Isaac. He joined choir because he wanted to. But, he's already had so many shining moments that this is just one more added to his adolescence.

It was hilarious to see him attempting to sway back and forth in time. And to snap in time. I forgot what dumb things the choir teacher requires of kids to keep things "interesting."

Isaac told me, "Neen-Neen, I saw you crying." I told him, "Oh no, Isaac. I wasn't crying boohoo. I was laughing so hard at you that I was crying." But that wasn't 100% true. I did cry emotional tears. Just like I do when I go to all of their events. I'm just so dang proud of those knucklehead kids. I love 'em so much it hurts.

Forgiveness & Friends

2006-12-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

I love my friends. I love having friends because we challenge one another. Tonight as I was talking to Colleen (there...you are no longer a source close to Deneen. You've been named. ) I was utterly and totally challenged. She is planning on sending a birthday card to an old friend, as well as an anniversary card to him and his wife. She may even make them Christmas cookies.

Well, this is to be expected during this time of year, right? How about if those people hurt you? I mean deep wounds, not just idle chatter. I, just last night, prayed for them for the first time in a long time. And she's thinking of making cookies for them.

I was challenged. In my family, once someone hurts you so deeply, they might as well be dead. My grandmother has not spoken to her half brother and half sister in over 25 years because they did not attend her second wedding--a marriage that lasted all of 12-18 months.

Thankfully, I belong to a new family. In my new family, all of my sins were forgiven in an instant when Jesus gave His life on the cross. For me. If I were the only person who accepted Him, He still would have given His life for me. And let me tell you something. I have denied Him more than Peter. Everyday I do something that equals another lash with a whip that has jagged bones and glass attached to the end. Everyday my sin pounds those nails into His hands and feet. Everyday my mouth pierces His dead body to make sure He's really dead.

So, who am I to hold animosity toward anyone?

I know that Colleen thought I was joking when I told her that she raised the bar higher than I was willing to reach. I've had a perspective change. She certainly has raised the bar. But...I've decided I'm up to the challenge.

I'm still not making them cookies, though.

Closure

2006-12-05T14:15:00.000-05:00

Something is breaking loose. I can't explain it naturally or logically. I sense it; I see it; I smell it; I feel it. I sound so televangelist as I write these things, but it's true.

Since I've returned to NJ, I've seen so many doors. Doors with the potential of opening. Before I left, I could only see brick walls. Like the girl in Labyrinth, I did not see the openings in the walls.

For a few weeks prior to my homecoming in June, and for a month and a half after, I sent out over 100 resumes. Literally. With the avalanche of rejection, I gave up. I decided that to work with Beverly at her salon and that would be it.

Returning home from New England, I decided that it was time to put myself out there again, in the job market, that is. Apathy is not my friend. So, I sent out a bunch of resumes, a few of which really peaked my interest.

So far, I've set up two definite interviews. One is for a job that I would love. The other is for a job that it way too far. I'm going to interview with them so I can tell myself that I once interviewed for a professional sports team. I'm a goober and I love that about me.

The common thread that I've noticed is closure. I officially closed the door in MA. That season of my life is put to rest.

I'm back to the point where I can pray for The River. I don't know if I will ever be able to dissociate myself from the abuses that are occuring--both seen and unseen--but I know that I am able, only through God's strength, to pray.

Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I don't want to wound anyone in the crossfire. I want to storm the gates of hell and watch the devil squirm like the worm he is.

Job interview

2006-12-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

Today I learned a valuable lesson. God loves me more than I give Him credit for.

I had a job interview today, and as much as I hate to admit it, I had an attitude...and not a good one. I was having a pity party of one. But, I put on my big girl clothes and went on the interview. As it turns out, the position was filled. I was really happy. Teaching science to middle school kids is a tricky thing. You have to be passionate about science, patient, and have a real sense of humor about the whole thing. As much as I love science, I would have been in way over my head. I don't like to do things that I know I am utterly unqualified to do.

Even as I wrote that, I started laughing. I am utterly unqualified to do most of what I am doing right now. Somehow, God keeps blessing the work of my hands, and the endeavors are successful.

Back to the work front. In September this school is opening up a computer lab, and they will need a teacher to run the lab: create curriculum for the kids, teach it, pick out the programs to teach the kids. Here's the kicker. The principal is interested in talking to me about the job. I think that is something that I could do.

God's given me a gift to start things, get them up and running and pass the baton onto the next person. Even better, I would be able to participate in the state of NJ's alternative route to teaching wherein I would be mentored for two years by the school, continue my education to get my MA in Education, and become fully qualified to teach anywhere.

Is this something that will be of interest in a few months? I don't know. But...it is nice to see that there are doors that can potentially open if the correct situation arises. In short, it is really morale boosting to see that there is someone who looks at me and my resume and sees potential, not drifter.

New England semi-wrap-up

2006-12-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been back in NJ for a little over 24 hours. I am still attempting to make sense of all that occured in New England. Mom and I had a lovely time. I think that, for the most part, we really enjoyed being in one another's company. Except for those times when I became too much like my father. Then she would gently but urgently ask me to pull the car over so that she could drive.

You see...I have issues.

For instance, on Friday, we were supposed to take a train into Boston. She's never seen the city, and I needed closure. As we were getting ready to go, she looked at me in an absolute panic and asked if I wanted to go to Gloucester, MA instead. Because it was raining, I said, "No." I had mentally prepared myself to get on the train and face what I needed to face in Boston. She went mental on me because she was scared to death of the crowds and the train. So we compromised. We took a driving tour of MA, CT and RI. I wanted closure, instead we got a Christmas tree. It's really pretty. A man on a Christmas tree farm cut it down for us and secured it on the roof of the minivan in the pouring rain. Good times, good times.

Changes in schedule like that freak me out. It's not that I can't be spontaneous. I like to do things on the spur of the moment. But, if I have my mind set on something, I fixate and it takes me a LONG time to recover my composure.

Visiting with my aunt and uncle was about as expected. We sat around, pretending that there was nothing wrong. I loaded all of my carp into the car and came home on Saturday as scheduled.

I wish that I could write a bright, cheery post about the wonders of New England. I can't. I'm happy to have all of my clothes, shoes and calendars here, but I left MA haunted by a sense that my time there is not over. I almost called my pastor to ask why I should come home. I know that I am here in NJ for now, but there is something that must still be accomplished up north. I don't know what it is.

That being said, I'm choosing to dwell in this moment. Instead of looking to something that is not for now, I'm enjoying now. Chruch this morning was like Christmas. Old friends came to visit the new house. And...I think that they all felt at home. How awesome is God?

Massachusetts

2006-11-30T08:42:00.000-05:00

This morning I awoke, filled with anxiety about my trip. When I dug just a little deeper, I realized that today I am going back to the place where one of my biggest dreams...failed.

The stuff that I am going to reclaim today is much more than luggage, clothing, shoes, books and calendars. They are the pieces of something that I thought was going to long-term. I truly, in the deepest part of my being, believed that I was being sent to New England to effect change throughout the region. I thought that I would make a life up there, find a church and be in the place that I love.

I knew that it was not going to be easy. I knew that New England is a really rough place, especially for outsiders. But, I thought that God and I would conquer all of that.

Through tears, I told God all of this. Do you want to know what He told me?

Deneen, I sent you up to Massachusetts with the belief that you were going to change the world because you never would have agreed to go if you knew that it was you I was going to work on. It's not that you are not willing to do the work. It is that you are so focused on others that you forget about yourself. But, Deneen, I've not forgotten about you. You are always on my mind. I wanted to heal you and change you and rebuild you so that you could be where you are right now. You returned to NJ at just the right time, even though the timing seems off. You returned ready to enter the church, ready to begin trusting again. I took you into a land of distrust so that you would learn to trust.

I don't know if I should put this on my blog. I put it here to encourage anyone who has had a dream that appeared to fail. Sometimes God sends us on the journey to pursue our dreams, not for the dream's sake, but for our own sake. Or...that is what He did for me. And perhaps that is what He has done for you.

So, it is with bittersweet emotions that I return to the land that I love. The first time my feet touched the soil of New England, 14 years ago, I knew that it was a place where my heart would remain. I don't know how my teenage mind knew that, but it did. I can't wait to share Boston with my mother. I can't wait to get my shoes back so that I can walk a few inches taller. I can't wait to see Boston through my new eyes. I can't wait to come back to NJ to begin my life once again.

Pray

2006-11-29T15:32:00.000-05:00

A contact that I've made in Voorhees Township called me today. She was supposed to compile a list for us of kids who need Christmas presents. Her husband has been having medical issues and will be getting tests for the next two days.

Please pray for God's healing for this man, and please pray that God will show His face to this woman and her husband.

Thanks!

007

2006-11-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

There are very few prophetic words that I hold near and dear to my heart. I generally test a prophetic word given to me from someone else in this way: if I remember it by the time I journal about the experience, it's good. If not, then it's not. I'm sure that there is a more Biblical way to approach prophesy, but that is the way that I handle it.

A few years ago, my mother dragged me to a production that her church was having. When I say dragged, I mean it nearly literally. A woman from South Africa was doing some sort of dance and she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. If you know me, you know that this isn't exactly my cup of tea...especially after that incident in England that involved a flag and my head. My head is not, I repeat NOT a baseball.

So, I went begrudgingly. The dance was very...expressive. It was designed to encourage us to be more expressive, and to attempt to hear God in pictures or something like that. I kind of rolled my eyes and sighed.

But then God gave me a vision. I was on a globe, and I was jumping from continent to continent with my passport in my hand. The woman encouraged anyone who had a vision to come to the front because she believed that God wanted to interpret the visions for us.

Again, I rolled my eyes, but I went to the front. I told her what I had seen and what she said, what God spoke through her has stuck with me as a touchstone ever since. She told me that God was going to move me around, that I was going to travel all over the world. But, I was not obviously a Christian, so God was going to use me as a covert operative. I would be able to get into places that noone else would be able to enter because it would never be suspected that I am a follower of Christ. She said that I would be like 007.

Like I said, this has stuck with me. Rarely will you find me without my passport. I believe this...I believe that God spoke this because it was seared so deeply into my spirit. I don't think that He'll randomly lead me to the airport and place me on a plane without at least a few days notice. But my passport reminds me of who God has said that I am, and it reminds me of the promises that He's made to me.

A month or two ago, I sat down and spoke with Pastor John and Beth. It was my intention to talk about school, but we wound up talking about outreach, which is certainly something about which I am passionate. I was given the title of "ministry liaison." What that means, nobody really knows. But through this position, I've seen that prophesy that was seared into my heart so long ago begin to come to pass. I deliver doughnuts to township officials and noone bats an eye. I take food to the police department and the deputy chief is *almost* brought to tears. Being an English major in remission, I looked up the word "liaison." It was taken from dictionary.com for all of those who are just waiting for me to plagiarize so they can turn me into the feds. :-)

Liaison
1. the contact or connection maintained by communications between units of the armed forces or of any other organization in order to ensure concerted action, cooperation, etc.
2. a person who initiates and maintains such a contact or connection.

It's funny. That is what I do. I didn't know exactly what it meant, but there it is. In black and white.

I love what I do. I love what God has called me to do. I love what Pastor John and Beth have given me the freedom to do.

I am sensing that God has something else that He is asking me to do. Step up to the plate and see what happens.

But...I'm still scared. That seems to be the theme of my week.

Headed to Beantown for a few

2006-11-28T22:03:00.000-05:00

Well, after nearly six months of trying, I am finally headed back to Boston for a few days. When I return, I'll have my clothes, my shoes, my Tom Brady calendar, my favorite Bible. I can't wait.

I leave on Thursday afternoon and will return on Saturday afternoon. I'm fairly certain that 72 hours will be my maximum allowable exposure to Aunt Michelle and mom. I cannot wait to walk the streets that I love so dearly, smell the smells and take in the sights.

I wonder what it will be like to return to the streets with which I was so intimate for such a brief, intense period of my life. I'm sure that returning and leaving after so abbreviated an encounter will be bittersweet.

On a completely different note.

God is working out something in me that I have been...umm...I don't know whether the appropriate word is avoiding or ignoring. But alas, it has been brought to the forefront of my mind, and I'm going to be writing some things out.

Be afraid. Very afraid.

Real Life, part deux

2006-11-28T06:04:00.000-05:00

I begin this by saying that I love the women of The Sanctuary. My mom attended our chick night, and she left with nothing negative to say. She thinks that the women of our church have really sweet spirits. For her to leave with that impression is a miracle. So, thank you!

Have I mentioned that I love the women of The Sanctuary? In your average church, when you ask a bunch of women to make their signature dessert and to bring recipe cards, you get a whole lot of desserts and a whole lot of recipe cards. You leave the place needing a cup of salt because you are just about in a sugar coma.

At The Sanctuary, you tell a group of women to bring a signature dessert and recipe cards. What you get is meat loaf, buffalo deviled eggs, hot cheesy dip, lasagna and a bunch of desserts, with only one available recipe card for the buffalo deviled eggs! I love that I am in a church where we are free to be ourselves...our original, zany, funny, irreverent knucklehead selves. There is no fear of being reprimanded for being original. There is no fear that people are going to make fun of you for the food that you brought. I think that we celebrate our uniqueness rather than fear it. What a place of freedom.

What is amazing as well is that the underlying tension I mentioned in my previous blog was obviously not present. I think that we all actually like each other. I didn't have the sense that anyone tried to control the evening...it was basically an organic night with one part flowing naturally into the next. The teaching was intense, but in the spirit of celebration, that shows her uniqueness as well.

I'm a bit less afraid of women's ministry. Just a little.

Real life, real issues

2006-11-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight kicks off our women's ministry at The Sanctuary. We're getting together for dessert, recipe swapping and a short devotional. Women's ministry freaks me out.

In my previous experience, women's ministry began as a light-hearted tea with some deep morsels from God. It morphed into a militant good ol' gals club. I wasn't one of the cool kids; I wasn't accessorised enough and I didn't kiss enough butt. I wasn't invited into the club.

I'm reticent to engage a group of women. I don't know what it is about us, but there is this constant underlying tension for control. It all began in the third chapter of Genesis when the serpent lured Eve into splitting hairs about what God said, or more accurately questioning the validity of what God said. I know Satan was laughing when Eve died. I wonder if she felt a bitterness in her spirit as she took her last breath.

Genesis 3:6-7 says, "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."

As women, when we gain wisdom and knowledge, we want to disseminate the knowledge. We are nurturers, no matter what current psychology wants to tell you. We want to teach our kids to walk; we want to help our loved ones find healing; we want to teach the men in our lives to lift the toilet seat up before use of the toilet and put it down after use. Sometimes our wisdom is helpful and causes harmony and growth in the home. At other times, it causes pain and sometimes death.

I know that women have a voice. We have something valid to say, to add to the conversation. In the Bible, there are examples of amazing women--Rahab, Ruth, Deborah, Esther, Mary. These women knew under Whose authority they operated. Something in them innately bowed its knee to the Lordship of Jehovah, of Jesus Christ. But, there are examples of equally bad women. Jezebal is the most glaring example. She was given free reign--even over what gods to worship--and caused such fear in Elijah that he asked God to kill him.

Galatians 3:38 says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Obviously, God has given women a voice. I believe this voice has to be in the correct context and submitted to authority. Our generation needs a woman to stand up and be our voice, to be an example of what that life looks like. We need a role model. I look around at women in power, and I see noone that I want to emulate. Hilary Rodham Clinton and Nancy Pelosi seek to emacsulate men and create a female dominated society in which it is acceptable to kill the unborn because "it is our right." They want men to do their bidding. There are women in ministy whom I admire, but honestly none to whom I can relate.

I want a Proverbs 31 woman to follow--a woman who balances family life, the marketplace and ministry. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Lately I've been wrestling with my desires. As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a wife and a mother. Thanksgiving solidified these desires in me. I thoroughly enjoyed everything involved in preparing the house and the meal. But, as long as I can remember, I've also wanted to be a pastor. Yesterday cemented that is my spirit. I love telling groups of people what God is doing, and how God can, is and will work through their lives--though I admit I rambled because I was unprepared.

How can I reconcile two seemingly opposing desires? How can I live a balanced life, being a helpmate to my husband, mother to my children and a pastor? I'm willing to try. I'm willing to be a trailblazer. I'm willing to join in the women's ministry at The Sanctuary.

But know...I'm doing it afraid.

Breakfast

2006-11-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you put a Lutheran, a Wiccan, a lone ranger Christian, a Unitarian and an evangelical at a table? Breakfast at my house the day after Thanksgiving. Yes...it was interesting.

Yesterday we avoided the hot-button topics. We were on guard. When my grandmother declared that she can't stand Billy Graham because "he preaches at her" we pretended not to hear and moved forward. We didn't even make fun of her, which was tough.

Today we walked in full throttle. Here is the list of characters:

My aunt's boyfriend is a Lutheran. He believes in "high church" and thinks that anything that does not have a liturgical book is "entertainment Christianity."
My aunt prays to the great spirit. At one point she declared herself a wiccan.
My mother has been hurt by the church (and vicariously through my hurts from the church) and believes that "as long as you have the Holy Spirit" you are fine.
My father believes that all religions are the same and essentially "we all pray to the same god."
I believe that if you call upon the name of Jesus and repent for your sins, then you are saved.

How can one person address so many issues sitting at a table when the other four people are ready to pounce in unity? Well, I did what any decent person would do. I walked away. Noone at that table was ready to listen to any point that I would have made, let alone concede the point. Frankly, I'm the only person with whom I could have had a constructive conversation was with Paul, the Lutheran. But it was not the right time.

You see, there are much deeper heart issues to all of these ideologies (mine included) that cannot be discussed productively in a group setting. When I walked away, God showed me some of the issues. Once again, He's given me the tools...the issues through which I can pray for each individual. Instead of engaging in a fruitless battle, I was given the weapons, not made of flesh and blood, with which to fight.

In short, God is awesome. That is one thing that has not changed. Thank you God for being the same yesterday, today and forever.

Thanksgiving wrap-up

2006-11-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

Well, the dishes are clean. The family is tucked away safely in bed. Relatives are on their way home. The Cowboys kicked some butt. All in all, today was a successful Thanksgiving. It certainly did not feel like Thanksgiving, except for the feeling that my stomach gets when I've eaten "just a little taste" of everything.

This morning, a nerve was touched that runs so deeply that I got angry. My niece got all dressed up to go shopping with my father. He was so focused on getting to the store that he saw how her pretty dress would make it difficult for her to get into the truck rather than how pretty she looked in the dress. When I was a kid, all I wanted was for him to tell me how pretty I am. Instead, I got encouraged to go outside and "get some fresh air" or to get up at 0645 to play tennis. It's not that I think that my father doesn't love me. I know he does.

So, this morning, I got really upset with my father. I had flashes of everytime I wanted someone to tell me that I'm lovely and I was left wonting. So, I had a choice. I could remain in my anger, or I could recognize that this nerve had been touched so that God could heal it. I wish I could say my knee jerk reaction was to run to His arms and ask Him for healing. It wasn't. It took a few minutes. When I did run to my Father's arms, He reminded me of His word. My King finds me enthralling, beautiful, lovely. My Father smiles when He thinks of me, He sings over me with dancing, He chuckles at my humor. My Father, the Lover of my soul, finds me enthralling. It is in that security that I rest. Not in the opinion of man. In the opinion of the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

So, added to my list of things for which to be thankful is this. Emotional growth.

Feliz Dia de Gracias

2006-11-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is in full swing here at the White house. Today we did the bulk of the cooking so that tomorrow we can relax and enjoy the day. I cooked turkey and pork roast in the rain on the grill. It was AWESOME! I love to grill, and cooking on a charcoal grill in the rain presents a challenge...you have to get the lid off, check the food, add the coals and shut the lid before the rain extinguishes the heat. I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. I'm a goober. I admit it openly to all who ask.

The family converges tomorrow afternoon. My aunt is not traveling from MA, so that will take a bit of the tension out of the air. I plan on having an amazing day and loving my family...for their idiosyncrasies, for their odd opinions, for their originality. If it gets too difficult, I'm going to plug my mp3 player into my head and be reminded that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and that I have to show that fruit to my family.

I'm thankful that I am where I am today. God has brought me so far. At times I have to remember how far He's brought me. I tend to look at where I have to go.

I'm thankful for the friends and family that have stuck by my side through the good times and the terrible times.

I'm thankful that God is breaking an addiction that I have had since fifth grade.

I'm thankful that God has chosen The Sanctuary to be my home church for this time. I love this place. I appreciate my pastors pushing through my doubt and anxiety. I appreciate that they see in me what I've known was there. I appreciate that I am allowed to be me, not a round peg in a square hole.

I'm thankful that God is who He says He is in the Bible...He's proving Himself day after day after day. I can't imagine where I'd be without Him.

Thanksgiving doughnuts

2006-11-20T18:41:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to thank everyone who participated in our gift card collection. You have made a great impression on the township of Voorhees, and you have provided families with food for Thanksgiving who wouldn't have had enough for a good dinner. I can't say it enough. I love my church!

I took the gift cards and doughnuts to the township. The people in the township are amazed by our genorosity. We've developed a bad reputation. We're known as the church that does, not the church that talks. We're getting some free advertisement as well. We're going to be listed in the township calendar as a house of worship. It's amazing how many opportunities open with a few doughnuts and a lot of God's favor.

So, good work my friends and family. I can't wait to see what God will do for Christmas!

You're like Dr. Phil or something

2006-11-20T07:40:00.000-05:00

This weekend I hosted a parade of marathon phone calls and conversations. It all began with an innocent phone call about 5PM on Friday and didn't end until about 11PM last night. The calls ranged from the hilarious to the arduous. They all had one common thread. A friend or relative had a need to get from one place to the next, geographically or emotionally, and I was elected tour guide.

You see, I found myself utterly and completely unqualified in every circumstance to be speaking, even when telling a friend whether to go straight, right or left on a road I've travelled countless times. Sometimes, in the dark, over the phone, the world is muddy. Let's be honest. In the light of the noon sun, at times, the world is incomprehensible.

On Friday night, I bended my knee to what God has been encouraging since I was a young child. I have only spoken the two words to two people. It fits, but it scares me. In my mind, I've always had one career path, one idea of where God was leading me. But, when I wrote down the words "pastoral counseling" it seems that a dam in my life broke wide open.

Three hours logged into a call with my cousin whose father is cheating on her mother, trying to help her make sense of the situation, what role she can play for her little sister, how she can support her mother, who is choosing to stay in the situation with the man who has been my nemesis since he helped to move my aunt out of our house when I was six.

Between face time and phone time, I lost track of how many hours I spent convincing someone to talk to her sister. One is agressive; one is passive-agressive. Engage the two in a conversation that includes more than a how-d0-you-do, one leaves enraged, the other a massive bleeding wound. One leaves feeling victorious but unfulfilled, the other hidden tightly away in a shell that she has developed for these situations. How is it that I find myself having to call out a bully? Can a bully be reformed when she has created the caustic exterior to protect her from parents who are deceased who never protected her in the first place?

Another friend is in a transitional phase with work. She was really hurt by a church, though she will only admit fear. Today she leaves for an interview in Green Bay. She's already found a church and a mall, so she's pretty excited. Frankly, I'm excited for her because she needs to get away from this area, figure out what she wants her life to look like and go for it. I detest being the person to encourage my friends to go so far, but I want them to be healthy and successful so desperately that I'll back any of God's plans for their lives, even to my own detriment.

Last night, after listening to bits and pieces of this marathon, my sister said to me, "You're like Dr. Phil or something. When my friends come to me with their problems, I say to them, 'Dude, that sucks.' Do you really care? Do you really want to help?" That left me thinking for a long time.

I do care. I truly want to leave people better. Yet, I am in a precarious situation. I know that I have no qualifications. I have a long resume of life experience. The only thing that I have to offer is what I know of the heart of the Father and a limited knowledge of the scriptures. All I can do is lead them to what Jesus says, back to the basics of Christianity. I lead them to the foot of the cross.

So, yeah. I'm like Dr. Phil. Only difference is that I attempt to lead people to a dialogue with Jesus Christ, and not to the Dr. Phil House of Horrors or to the local bookstore to purchase a self-help book that costs half a day's salary and that will ultimately lead them back to my feet.

I want my friends and family to face the lion in the eye and KILL IT.

God is a bit of a punk at the moment

2006-11-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

I've said it many times. God works in mysterious ways. Right now, I don't think He's all that mysterious. I think He's a bit of a punk. Perhaps I'm a bit irreverant. Right now I'm sitting here, shaking my head, wondering. Just wondering. Perhaps you want to know what I'm talking about.

Last night, my mom and I had a rather long discussion about my cousin. Long story short about my cousin. She apparently attempted suicide last October (2005) and she wound up living in our house. Havoc was created for the next 7 months. She was sent back to live with her parents in May of this year.

Fast forward to last night. Mom and I were discussing her and the havoc that she caused in our house. This havoc was caused because boundaries were not set for her and because she was not in counselling while living in the house. My mom sees everyone through rose-colored glasses. I'm not so trusting. I don't give my trust easily, and once you lose my trust, I'm very, VERY slow to give it back, if I ever do. My mom told me that I'm mean and that I'm too hard on her. You see, when she's acting bad, I tell her to straighten up her act. I tell her what she needs to hear but doesn't want to hear.

Fast forward to today. My cousin got a new phone. She called me. Not my mom. Me. We talked for over three hours. And she's going to church tomorrow. In Pennsylvania near where she lives. I sincerely hope that she actually goes. Here's hoping.

So...here's why God is a punk. I've asked Him to walk through the chambers of my heart, find what needs to be cleaned and do what needs to be done. Last night I was discussing my frustrations concerning my cousin with my mother. Today my cousin called. God has dealt with my heart issue. Please understand. I'm not going to trust her just yet. But I'm willing to walk with her through the stuff she's dealing with, and I will lead her to the only place she can find true healing. AT the foot of the cross.

Did I mention that when she lived here, before I moved to MA, mom and I led her in the prayer of salvation? You see...God's Word NEVER RETURNS VOID!!!!!!

A reminder of why I want to do what I want to do

2006-11-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

God never ceases to astound me. Everytime I think I may understand what He is doing, He reminds me of how high His ways are above mine, and how high His thoughts are above mine. Seriously. He reminds me that my field of vision, compared to His, is like seeing a pin head and thinking I can see the entire planet and everything that is occuring on Earth.

I'm addicted to a few things in life. Two of them are blogging (duh) and myspace. I've been posting some really serious, honest blogs on myspace. I have to admit...many of them were baited and intended for people I know (read former churchmates) are hurting and distressed. My blogs were intended to show them that there is hope in God, and to chronicle a bit of the healing process.

This morning I woke up and check my email. I received the following message:

"i've just stumbled upon you...from andrea's page...& it was an amazing thing to do...the words of wisdom in your blogs were just what the doctor ordered! hope you're well...thank you...i needed a little reminder of what life is really all about! was feeling a little sad about the loss of a good friend, not something i could have controlled, nor is it something i should question, i know...that doesn't take the hurt away- but you made me think...& offer up a little prayer to thank God for all that really matters & to remember that i should be grateful that my husband & children and good friends are still here. so, thank you- my good friend...sending you big hugs & kisses...i really needed this tonite!"

This message is from a girl with whom I went to high school. We were not friends. I can't say that we were enemies, but we certainly didn't share a locker or a limo for prom. She was a cheerleader, and I was in the band. She was popular, and I was a tutor. You're getting the picture.

God has reminded me that as long as we do what we are doing for Him, that we will bear fruit. He has reminded me that His word will not return void.

Lord, thank you for reminding me of how great Thou art.

2006-11-17T17:27:00.000-05:00

My dog just punched my sister in the face. Good times at the White house. Seriously.

I'm coming clean. I did not write my essay today. Mom and I went shopping...for Christmas presents, for a winter coat for me (really pretty and RED.)

So, I lost control of the bold. Oh well.

Randomness whilst waiting for a ride to prayer. My friends are AMAZING.

Can't wait to see what God does tonight.